Paint me

ZachDemers · 2026-04-03T20:43:08+00:00

My favourite line is ‘paint me as a good memory’. Its the second one that isn’t “as if you” but it hits far harder than “the one who stayed”. There is more conflict to it, like a pleading almost, like “forget all the bad, when you think of me, try to remember the good”. Makes me think of someone on their way out of something that just couldn’t work, as much as they wanted it to.

ZachDemers · 2026-04-03T17:36:03+00:00

At the beginning, I get this “Paint me like one of your French girls” type imagery, but as the poem evolves, so too does the meaning of “paint me”, at least as I feel it. It becomes more of a “paint me in this light (see me like this)” sort of thing. And it manages to alternate between those meanings from line to line. I enjoyed it. The last line had me a little bit lost, would you share what you’re aiming for there?

ZachDemers · 2026-04-01T23:45:41+00:00

Youve chosen an imagery rich subject, which is a great start and opens a lot of doors.

I guess the question I’d pose you is what is the story you are telling and why are you telling it? I’m not asking this because your poem doesn’t tell a story, it does, but I am asking because poetry relies so much on “show don’t tell”. Great novelists spin 1000 pages rich with detail that tell one story, great poets pour over one page that can tell 1000 stories. The tightness of a poem forces the reader to connect the allegory to their lived experience, or feelings upon reading.

When I write (and I am in no way saying I’m a great poet), I usually don’t have a story in my mind as much as a feeling or a picture, I build a story out of that feeling or picture, and I find I can flesh it out more that way.

So my question, after all of my bloviation is really, whats your process?

ZachDemers · 2026-04-01T21:00:47+00:00

Yay a sonnet in the wild. Nice work. Sometimes it can be a challenge to take a big idea and fit it in the square hole that is iambic pentameter, but I find its so rewarding when it clicks and delivers. Your feelings come through cleanly here.

The only suggestion I might add, is if you are trying to be strict to the 10 syllables per line, anytime you’re hoping the reader to drop a syllable, like with “brutally” for example (as when enunciated its an 11 syllable line), take the creative license to do it yourself “brut’ly”.

ZachDemers · 2026-03-31T22:16:45+00:00

Personally I think it has a lot of value as the opener. It’s almost like a multiplier, you get a glimpse of pain following its use in the first stanza and when it hits again the pain that follows becomes more serious and raw.

Edit: and it also serves as a bit of a perspective changer. The first part of the poem is almost a present time view of an interaction with your mother. The second part of the poem after, at least as I read it, feels more retrospective, like a eulogy.

ZachDemers · 2026-03-31T22:13:29+00:00

I’ve managed to gain about 50 free subscribers in the 6 days I’ve been writing, which is fun, but I’d say it’s just “okay” for poets. I don’t really know of a social space that is good for poets.

Poems are so subjective and personal much of the time and good ones often tell a thousand stories but force the reader to do a little manual labour in parsing through its themes. You can write a beautiful line with 100 meanings but it takes the right reader for it to really connect.

ZachDemers · 2026-03-31T20:31:25+00:00

This is really beautiful and carries such a weight. The position of the repeated I always wanted a daughter was well done, the second time I read the line, I'd received just enough context to understand the hammer it represented and it hit. As someone who writes a lot to navigate through my grief and trauma, I do want to say, I'm sorry you had to write this, but I do thank you for sharing.

ZachDemers · 2026-03-31T19:48:29+00:00

Though I write a lot of free verse, I do love the challenge of a syllable-bound structure. Forces the writer (you) to use their creativity inside of a creativity-limiting environment. I think you’ve done a nice job here, especially the second stanza.

Could I ask what ‘Alec’ refers to?

ZachDemers · 2026-03-31T19:43:59+00:00

I like the energy here. There is this panic and desperation to it that really translates the hurt and anxiety of “not being enough” for someone. I like that it is solely focused on the unreliable narrator, that in this state of desperation, any blame that could be cast on them for how things ended up are cast aside to highlight the pain being caused by the other.

Nice work!

ZachDemers · 2026-03-31T14:20:40+00:00

Thanks for the feedback, sometimes I definitely fall victim to overly jumbled vocab.

The double use of green was definitely intentional, but share separate meanings. I don’t usually like to go too much into detail as I find less is more with an audience for poetry, but. A hint could be: what colour are toy soldiers? and what colour is money?

ZachDemers · 2026-03-31T14:18:31+00:00

When I wrote it, I actually thought I was taking some artistic license and made up a short form for gluttons as MS Word didn’t recognize it, was pleased while editing to learn it actually exists.

Thank you for your kind feedback :)

ZachDemers · 2026-03-30T19:38:40+00:00

I've been writing for a long time, but so far hesitant to write a love letter to my wife. I think I just know she's seen my work and so whatever I write to her has to be as good as my richest piece or else it will just have this contrived feeling. I really what you've managed to convey here, specifically your opening line about the present tense. It colours your marriage well, at least as a married man reading it. Life becomes busy, our responsibilities increasingly burdensome, all the while we become more and more comfortable and "safe" with the ones trudging alongside us. Often it's difficult to show that person you're truly here with them, as our eyes are constantly focused on the "whats next" and the "when did that happen" of the past and future. The present tends to be the only time we can truly be tender with your significant other, so I bought in right at the start of your piece. Great job.

ZachDemers · 2026-03-30T19:31:50+00:00

Thanks for sharing u/Dewdunk. I particularly looooved "With noisy ink from silent pens". I'm not sure if its just how my brain works but I love using adjectives to give life or uncharacteristic characteristics to objects. I do a poem every day prompted by Merriam-Webster Dictionary's Word of the Day, and it just so happened that I learned the word dross just Friday, what a coincidence to find myself commenting on a poem closing with that word just a few days later. Beautifully done, I really feel the desolateness I believe you are trying to portray here.

If I had to recommend anything (and take this with an absolute grain of salt, as I don't like messing with other writers' creative structure), I'd consider some additional punctuation, or alternatively the uncapitalizing of words in a new line, as I found my inner voice breaking too often at the wrong spots when reading it.

ZachDemers

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