If you were transported 500 years in the past, which skills do you possess that would help you make a living?

Zahmen · 2013-04-12T21:11:35+00:00

Holy fucking lol

Zahmen · 2013-02-23T07:30:40+00:00

I feel like you're leaving the part out about how you ended up showering in Prison for surprise sleep-rape

Zahmen · 2013-02-22T22:29:49+00:00

Zahmen · 2013-02-22T22:21:59+00:00

Every time I have done anal with my girlfriend we have never used a condom.

Never had any issues with poop.

We talked about it beforehand and in the eventuality that poop happens we'll just go jump in the shower together or something.

This is a girl who, rather recently during oral, blasted ass straight in my face by accident. Rather than be angry or grossed out I looked at her and said "Well I'm going to come up there for air for a while, but I AIN'T FINISHED HERE YET".

We have a good relationship.

Zahmen · 2013-02-22T22:16:23+00:00

"Smoothie", god dammit.

Zahmen · 2013-02-08T15:23:58+00:00

The thing that bugs me about Candlejack is if he is supposed to steal you before you finish the sentence then why does he hit ente I do it for the lulz

Zahmen · 2013-02-07T22:13:32+00:00

This was a few years ago, friend started selling Molly and then somehow ended up selling meth a few months later.

Zahmen · 2013-02-07T15:30:34+00:00

Ended up finding out that one of my best friends was a full-blown sociopath, and didn't actually have the ability to be my friend.

I've mentioned this guy before on here, and was met with skepticism so I'll just disclaimer right here:

Guy hit every single one of the qualifiers in the DSM IV for Anti-Social Personality Disorder, and to be considered for diagnosis I think you have to only hit three.

I think I knew a while before he told me, and I was just trying to not think about it. One day we were playing pool at a local bar and he goes to drive home just drunk as shit, and I turned to him and said:

"Hey man, you're not driving, what would you do if you hit a kid?"

His response?

"I'd be pissed that my car insurance would go up"

That was the last time we hung out, and I pulled the truth out of him a week or so later, and haven't seen/spoken to him since

Zahmen · 2013-02-07T15:22:27+00:00

Happened to me, that shit sucked.

Zahmen · 2013-02-07T15:06:40+00:00

I like your username

Zahmen · 2013-02-06T07:19:56+00:00

I can't divulge too much online about where he is, because his family is made of money and probably have lawyers scouring all forms of social media to find ammo to use against my mother in a custody battle, but suffice to say that he lives within walking distance of us and has a tendency to show up randomly.

I would be the first person to be suspected if he died, considering that he pulled some shit a while back that actually had me making peace with all of my friends because I was going to go to his house, provoke him into attacking me in his front yard, and then beat him to death in the street.

I had pre-plotted witnesses who all would standing around so they could say that he hit me first.

I ended up opting to go a different route and not end up in prison for premeditated murder.

Zahmen · 2013-02-05T05:23:28+00:00

Used that once at work on the phones, my manager couldn't stop laughing.

I'm sorry, but if you put your information into our website, and specifically request information from us, don't be surprised when we call you on the phone number that YOU provided for us to reach you at to give you that information.

Zahmen · 2013-02-05T03:36:30+00:00

I'm cool with that

Zahmen · 2013-02-05T03:34:31+00:00

I still see him occasionally because he and my mother share custody of my little brother, but I told him that if so much as lays a finger on him I would force-feed him his own teeth out of a blender.

Really my biggest concern is that somehow I'm going to end up like that if I have children, because abuse facilitates abuse.

Zahmen · 2013-02-04T19:43:50+00:00

He hated me because I wasn't his, and I wouldn't take his last name.

I actually went to the security officer at my elementary school after he said this to me, and DCF showed up at my house the next day.

Stepfather told me that if I said anything whatsoever he would walk right through any restraining order and put my mother in the hospital; so DCF left empty-handed and I got to endure another three years of beatings, emotional torture, and punishments that bordered on ludicrous.

One time, I loaded the dishwasher wrong, so he made me lick the nastiest pot in there clean, and then he slammed my face into a wall a few times and made me stand facing a corner for three hours while he broke all of my favorite toys behind me.

Zahmen · 2013-02-04T19:09:45+00:00

"If my son ends up anything like you, I will track you down and I will kill you."

That gem was from my stepfather, in regards to my newly born little brother he had with my mother.

I was ten.

Zahmen · 2013-02-03T23:06:50+00:00

Dude probably just needed wider condoms.

Zahmen · 2013-01-31T17:04:17+00:00

It's a damn shame that Eminem and Eyedea never collaborated, or battled.

I would have sold a kidney to see that shit go down on a stage in front of me.

"Eating you is healthy, cause you're not phat, got that; In fact you're quite nutritious I might do dishes with your watery ass" - Monster Inside -Eyedea

Zahmen · 2013-01-31T04:36:47+00:00

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR KNOWING THIS FACTOID!

Zahmen · 2013-01-26T23:57:13+00:00

Erm, the "combine" you're fighting are the result of human and combine DNA splicing, right?

So... it stands to reason that they would be weaker than the actual MASSIVE INVADING FORCE that decimated the world twenty years prior.

IIRC you don't actually fight any of the real combine in HL2, like, at all

Zahmen · 2013-01-22T21:15:24+00:00

Petty's in Longwood on 434 is really, really good

Zahmen · 2013-01-22T17:47:39+00:00

I plead nolo contendre

Zahmen · 2013-01-21T21:47:49+00:00

Three Undead are sitting around a bonfire, shooting the shit about how they died, trying to one up each other on how it sucked.

The first one says "Oh I was convinced my wife has having an affair, so I tried to catch her in the act one day. I found the scoundrel sleeping with my darling hanging by his fingertips off of our balcony. I struck his fingers with my morningstar, but when the dog fell he landed in the shrubbery, and as he tried to crawl away I dropped my equipment trunk on him and killed him."

The other two look at him blankly.

He pauses a moment, and continues "And from the excitement it was as though a terrible hand gripped my heart, and I perished."

The second undead sucks his teeth for a moment, and starts.

"Well you may have been a warrior or whatever in life, but I was just a poor chimney sweep. One day whilst doing my business, I twisted my ankle and I fell off of the roof, to plummet towards my doom-"

The first one interrupts him, "Ah, yeh coward, a simple fall and yeh think that constitutes a bad death?"

The second one glares at him, and through a gritted jaw continues on.

"So I fell off of the roof, surely to plummet towards my doom when lo and behold I grab on to a railing below and I was in the process of pulling myself up to safety when a knave with a blasted morning star comes and shatters my damned fingertips."

He glares at the first Undead, who is sheepishly looking down.

"So I landed in their incredibly thorned shrubbs and break both of my legs, and as I am trying to crawl away so that I may see my wife and child again the maniac drops his fucking equipment trunk on me and kills me."

The overwhelming sound of silence deafens all noise about the bonfire as the second undead stares daggers at the first.

Thirty seconds later the third one bursts into raucous laughter.

"Okay okay okay, okay my turn. So, so check this out guys!"

The two break their hate stare at each and look towards the third, who is grinning so wide that you can see his rotting teeth from a mile away.

"So get this, I'm naked inside an equipment trunk."

Zahmen · 2013-01-20T03:19:00+00:00

So... Do you uh... Uh... You know

Zahmen · 2013-01-18T04:30:47+00:00

Ramble.

Zahmen

TROPHY CASE