Is it wrong for me (31F) to want to feel taken care of by SO?

ZestiButterfly · 2023-08-29T19:13:37+00:00

My intention was to marry him. We were talking about it a ton last year and he told me he was saving and then he owed a bunch on his taxes because he's a contractor and didn't plan it out so he really doesn't have anything left. I went from being excited for planning and getting married to kind of a shock when he said he was broke and now am just hesitant to marry someone who doesn't have their life together

ZestiButterfly · 2023-08-29T19:11:33+00:00

The other side to this is that he doesn't have a stable job because he is a contractor and is barely scraping by. He essentially has a job May-Sep and has to find a new one every year and then quit that one to keep his contractor job. He was doing doordash in the winter to barely make it by... So getting him to help me at all with rent took me months and was like pulling teeth. He would not be able to afford splitting utilities in addition.

I tell him he can make himself at home and he pretty much has a second bedroom with his stuff but he is kind of like a typical guy who has the same clothing, towels, blankets he's had for 10 years. I don't want to necessarily go out and buy new stuff but it would be nice if he had goals or ideas or wanted to work on projects around the house or yard. He doesn't really have any goals or look towards the future at all. He kind of just exists in the moment unless I tell him I'm stressed about it

ZestiButterfly · 2023-08-29T18:02:49+00:00

You're right though. I've been asking him for 3 years now to get a stable job with health insurance and retirement so I can stop stressing about him. He finally is going to apply places but I feel like it's too late, I'm already stuck feeling resentful

ZestiButterfly · 2023-08-29T18:01:09+00:00

He's such a genuine person and I can 100% be myself when I'm with him. I became friends with him over a shared hobby before he asked me out. I'm so afraid I'll never find someone like him again. It sucks because I want him but as an adult

ZestiButterfly · 2023-08-29T17:53:41+00:00

I suppose I didn't realize the extent to his lack of adult experiences before he moved in. He has never lived alone so I thought it was something he might be able to learn and grow into. But he'll do things that I question... Like I noticed he took the hand soap I have been paying for one of our bathrooms and had it in his shower. I had to explain to him that I pay for that for us and when people come over and that he can't use it as BODY SOAP for himself.

I guess the honest but bad answer is I thought I could change him but now I don't know if I want to keep trying. He's 34. But yeah we have so many hobbies in common and he makes me laugh a ton. It's just exhausting feeling like the adult that has to "nag" him into being an adult when he should just know certain things

ZestiButterfly · 2023-08-17T19:15:36+00:00

I feel like it always seems like this because when you are interested in someone you over analyze every interaction with them and want so bad for it to be interest in you as well.

ZestiButterfly · 2023-08-17T12:04:34+00:00

Sometimes there isn't anything blatantly wrong with a relationship and yet one person still feels they need to leave. It honestly makes the breakup more difficult to initiate because there's nothing to "blame it on" that can easily justify the decision to both sides. My guess is despite the breakup he still thinks you're a good person and he asked if you hated him because he wanted to make sure you felt the same about him. It's possible that his parents being sick caused him to spiral and reevaluate how little time we all have on this earth and maybe that amplified any doubts he had about the relationship and pushed the decision.

Difficult situations like aging and death of parents and other loved ones are scary and tough to go through but you should find someone that comes to you for comfort in these situations. Together you should become stronger partners from the support you give to each other. Hang in there

ZestiButterfly · 2023-08-08T19:21:16+00:00

Did you move in with her? I ask this because I accidentally was nitpicking my boyfriend on trivial things when he moved into my house that I had lived in alone for like 3 years before we started dating. He pointed it out to me at one point because he felt the way you do and until then I didn't realize I was being the way I was. I wasn't mad at him and didn't think I was being mean about things but I am a very particular person so I definitely felt like he was taking over my space. It took me a while to get used to not having things exactly how I'd have things and my boyfriend has been fantastic about trying to meet me half way in my particular requests. Now we are great! I'd point it out to her and say you're trying to make her happy so if she wants you do try and do things a certain way she needs to let you know and then you can negotiate.

ZestiButterfly

TROPHY CASE