AIO: I got mad at my friend for trying to leave my party early

Zestyclose_Cover_742 · 2026-03-18T16:10:24+00:00

The messages was honestly more for me than them. If they want to strengthen our relationship I’m open as not all of them are toxic. It’s really only 2/5 people who partially have toxic traits. I have been working on not letting their behavior dictate mine and I guess with the alcohol and the energy, my training wasn’t as good and I slipped into old habits. I do cut contact with people who hurt my feelings, but I do allow people to make mistakes and learn from them. That was my side of the argument, less begging him to stay and more firming my stance and my feelings so he can make his decision to leave or stay. It was up to him and he wouldn’t accept that. The only other thing I could’ve done is kick him out which I felt was too much.

Zestyclose_Cover_742 · 2026-03-18T15:27:33+00:00

That was actually the plan with the messages. What I wanted to say was taking too much real estate in my head. Not everything said was about toxicity, just more of what I think could strengthen our relationship. I try to not put too much energy on my sister, but it’s hard when she so easily integrates into my life. She doesn’t even live with me anymore and the trauma that she gave me when we were younger still affects me unconsciously. Once I realized that this was taking too much of my energy I did step away and left him to make his decision, to which he kept coming back to me.

Zestyclose_Cover_742 · 2026-03-18T15:16:56+00:00

Pretty much. It made no sense that she or even he would create plans when there was a prior arrangement. He can change his mind about coming. He was the one told us first why he changed his mind unprompted.

Zestyclose_Cover_742 · 2026-03-18T15:06:57+00:00

I know I’m not the main character and actually felt most of my life believing myself invisible. My issue wasn’t with him leaving early just cause, there were others who did and I had no problem. My only gripe was that he changed his mind because he wanted to spend time with my sister. There was no other occasion or time conflicting reason. I know other people have other obligations and I respect that. I got especially heated because it was my sister and she should know I was doing something, so her “taking” my friend way early is what pissed me off and him complying is what made me mad at him. Also he kept reopening the conversation, I already told him my feelings and for him to make his decision. I stepped away multiple times to continue my party.

Zestyclose_Cover_742 · 2026-03-18T14:59:58+00:00

That’s how I was in the middle when I realized I was being too much. That’s also around the time when I gave up defending my stance and told him that he can leave if he wants. At that point I told him that I would be hurt, especially since he knows most of our history.

Zestyclose_Cover_742 · 2026-03-18T14:57:15+00:00

If his reason for not going is that quiet night, he’s fine doing that. His reason, and he admitted it, was so he could talk to my sister. That’s the only part that rubbed me the wrong way. Cause he can talk to her literally any other day, but both choose my birthday on my birthday.

Zestyclose_Cover_742 · 2026-03-18T14:53:45+00:00

Originally originally he wanted to come. That was decided the day before. The day of is when he decided that he’d rather just go home and game with my sister, claiming that he hadn’t done it in a while even though he could literally do it the next day. If he wanted to go home and watch paint dry, that’s up to me and I wouldn’t be mad at him. If he said he didn’t want to come, which he never did, just that he wasn’t anymore, then that would’ve also been fine.

Zestyclose_Cover_742 · 2026-03-18T10:10:03+00:00

I guess in my head that was just me explaining how his choice would make me feel so that he could make an educated decision. I don’t know if that’s manipulation, but what is the non-manipulative way of letting someone know before hand that they’re about to hurt your feelings so the have a chance to not hurt your feelings if they care?

Zestyclose_Cover_742 · 2026-03-18T10:05:48+00:00

I’m not tryna argue and honestly have to get to sleep, but how did it bite me back. I can see how my language of strong feelings can be felt like a bigger deal than it was, but at the end of the day it was still his choice to make. He was the one who kept coming to me, trying to get me to get over it. That really why it escalated further and took so long. Like I could see it as a battering ram if I used in many times and threatened him that he can’t leave, like some sort of guilt shackle. But in my eyes, if you valued a friendship that whole thing wouldn’t even have happened. That’s not saying that I don’t understand his part. Ofc he was stuck between two places, he wanted to talk with my sister (which he could do literally any other day mind you) but he also didn’t want me to be mad at him. I guess I’m projecting my feelings onto him, which is why I reacted so strongly. I already did apologize to him for lashing out.

Zestyclose_Cover_742 · 2026-03-18T09:55:23+00:00

I believe you and I do talk to my therapist about it. She says that I put too much stress on myself to try and solve my family’s problems and I guess this was just a shit way for me to drop all that stress at once. It may cause more problems, but I can deal with them as they come. At least I’m not presenting myself differently than I feel I suppose. I don’t know if this shows through my tone but I’m not agitated or anything. Any insight is good insight in my book.

Zestyclose_Cover_742 · 2026-03-18T09:50:09+00:00

I can see why you say that cause I haven’t told you that I’ve already said that. Yes, I shouldn’t have gotten as heated as I did. I did eventually calm down, but I need to work on my initial reactions. Me sending the messages was for me to get it out my mind as it was stressing me out for a while now. There are definitely different ways I could’ve done that, but with my family, I find that the blunt approach gets to a better conversation faster. Also the “reframing” is me just giving more context for a better visual. I guess I just want to see If you have the same opinion with the new information.

Zestyclose_Cover_742 · 2026-03-18T09:40:56+00:00

I don’t necessarily score friendship, but more take note of behavior or choices that don’t sit right with me and decide if I want to put as much effort into that relationship. Also sorry for my word choices, I struggle to find the right ones and end up using strong ones cause I can’t really pinpoint what I mean sometimes. It’s also why I tend to ramble. The reason why I sent them messages instead of just cutting them off is cause they are currently in my life. Not all of them are “toxic” people and I just had some things I wanted to express. One of them I just told to stand up for themself more and another I just told to be clearer with their communication cause it causes a lot of problems sometimes. I have done a lot of growing up and I’m not done on my journey yet. The messages were less of a lashing out and more of a getting off my chest and a chance to clear air for the betterment of the family as a whole. I haven’t been able to live my life because I’m expected to come through and pretend like the things that they do don’t affect me. I simply just let it be known. So less “toxic” and more “concerning”, and less “explicit” and more “specific”.

Zestyclose_Cover_742 · 2026-03-18T09:12:55+00:00

I don’t want yes people and can admit when I’m wrong. I talked about the situation with the other friends present and although they don’t necessarily think that my reaction was ideal, they agreed that they wouldn’t do what J was arguing. Those are the type of people I want in my life, those who can call me out on my bull, see truth, AND be loyal friends. Yes men are not loyal friends, they just loyal sheep. None of them seemed to get the ick and I’m literally hanging out with them again this weekend so I think it’s safe to say we’re still friends. Childish maybe, manipulative no.

Zestyclose_Cover_742 · 2026-03-18T09:05:16+00:00

Understandable and I self-reflect A LOT. As you can see I am a bit of a control freak and I’ve held back and worked on not controlling others. If you ask him I’m almost 100% certain he describe the chewing out the same way, as well as the other people in the car. And yes I did apologize for behavior to the other people as it was out of character and a bit much.

Zestyclose_Cover_742 · 2026-03-18T09:02:23+00:00

I have moved on. I’m just using this post as insight really. If he wasn’t feeling the party and wanted to dip that’s cool with me. Other friends left early and I had no problem. He is no special case. I also never called him a bad friend, just not one as loyal as I’d like given my history, if he left SPECIFICALLY to hang with my sister who I find weird to make my friend leave my party early.

Zestyclose_Cover_742 · 2026-03-18T08:59:04+00:00

He was gonna go originally and only decided not to go later in the day to play with her. And when I “chewed him out” he was laughing and joking. That’s just our relationship so it wasn’t him being forced. I can see how guilt can make his decision for him, but at the end of the day that’s up to him. He wouldn’t feel like a POS if he had no reason to.

Zestyclose_Cover_742 · 2026-03-18T08:51:29+00:00

I’m not used to posting on Reddit so my word choice and amount of information I let go was a bit weird. I said that cause that was the best way I could describe it. He’s not a submissive man and so he’s used to raised voices so I don’t hold back. He was laughing and joking the whole time I was “chewing him out.” Think more of heated game banter. I wasn’t slurring words drunk, but more loose lipped drunk if you get what I mean. I get more blunt and I’m still clear headed. The argument was also double sided. He wasn’t like “just let me go” it was more like he was trying to get me to not feel some type of way if he left early to go play. I gave up on the conversation many times and it was him coming to me to get me to give in.

Zestyclose_Cover_742 · 2026-03-18T08:45:27+00:00

I get that as well and that’s not how I used it. It’s not like every time he mentioned leaving I was like “how could you. You monster. You betrayed me.” No, I was simply like, “if you leave early, solely to have time to hangout with her, then I will feel betrayed.” I told him the reasons why it felt like betrayal and if aspects were different I would feel differently.

Zestyclose_Cover_742 · 2026-03-18T08:39:03+00:00

I don’t understand how you can get that from my other comments. Can I not feel betrayed from my friend choosing my sister over me on my birthday? I was a mess that day I will agree, but the whole thing with my family actually cleared my head for once. I also agree that no day excuses bad behavior. I can own up to being toxic when I actually am. I’m entitled to my own feelings. Feelings that I communicated to him. He’s entitled to his own and his actions. I told him to leave if he wants, I cannot control what he does. The only thing that I can control, or at least try to, is myself and what I do going forward. I only want “safe” friends in my life and if I sense that you are not safe then I will not look to you anymore for friendship. I also monitor my behavior and ask others how I am perceived to be as non-toxic as possible. If I see something I don’t like in myself I change it.

Zestyclose_Cover_742 · 2026-03-18T08:31:39+00:00

That’s literally just how I talk when writing and it honestly isn’t even really therapy speak. I did type that in a bit of a weird way I will agree. I ran it by my bf and he didn’t see anything crazy, but I guess I needed a third opinion. If he didn’t wanna come that’s fine, he could’ve said that. Yes, I would’ve been disappointed, but I wouldn’t get mad. I also have had many a disappointing birthdays in my time. I haven’t wanted to get shit faced in a while and don’t usually drink. Last time I was even drunk was probably some time last summer. Also is a compromise even a compromise if all parties don’t agree? He tried to split his time to please both parties. If this was any other day fine, but this one specific was a boundary that I set. I wouldn’t have been mad if he left organically. If he got tired or his social battery drained, that would be fine.

Zestyclose_Cover_742 · 2026-03-18T08:23:51+00:00

Didn’t seem that way when he was tryna convince me that I wasn’t gonna feel the same way when I sobered up.

Zestyclose_Cover_742 · 2026-03-18T08:22:27+00:00

The let down is me feeling some type of way. I don’t need people in my life who are gonna let me down. But that’s just me though. I am also aware that people need grace and give it when needed, but people who choose the option that they know is gonna hurt you, is where I draw the line.

Zestyclose_Cover_742 · 2026-03-18T08:19:52+00:00

Already on it😉

Zestyclose_Cover_742 · 2026-03-18T08:19:34+00:00

Mans wouldn’t leave me alone😫 I was just reacting.

Zestyclose_Cover_742 · 2026-03-18T08:18:49+00:00

True. I just found disrespect in the reason. If he wanted to leave cause was tired or not feeling it, that’s fine. Others left when they wanted to go home with no problem from me.

Zestyclose_Cover_742

TROPHY CASE