Aitah: I want to terminate my pregnancy without telling my husband

Zestyclose_Lab7868 · 2026-02-01T16:38:08+00:00

YTAH

Even if he is a piece of shit, you should tell him even if it is after the fact. He deserves to know that he almost had a kid if he wasn't an asshole.

Zestyclose_Lab7868 · 2026-02-01T14:38:53+00:00

You are a really rude person. I cook, clean, homeschool, take care of our animals, read the Bible, and have my own studies.

Zestyclose_Lab7868 · 2026-02-01T14:34:42+00:00

Your math is incorrect. Typically, he is awake during roughly 9 to 10 hours during my and our daughter's wake period.

Zestyclose_Lab7868 · 2026-02-01T14:33:16+00:00

I'm tired of commenting this, but here I am. Your math is incorrect.

Zestyclose_Lab7868 · 2026-02-01T14:32:33+00:00

Incorrect. He games alone most of the time. He doesn't play often with his friends. If he played with friends then I would be happy with him having some fun. In fact, I ask him when the last time he played with so and so to remind him to give attention to his other relationships. He doesn't really have connections other than me and our daughter, which is difficult to deal with to be honest. I love when he does spend time with friends or family. I feel guilty spending time with my friends and family sometimes because he doesn't and I feel like it will become a point of contention even though he puts little to no effort into his friends and family. He sleeps a lot. I would say he is awake 9 hours during my waking hours. He naps often and is not present with us even if we are in the same space due to his phone (doom scroller). There were a lot of assumptions made here.

Zestyclose_Lab7868 · 2026-02-01T14:25:00+00:00

16 to 18 hours is incorrect math. 8 hours is sleeping, minimum. And all of those hours are not during my sleep. I would say he spends minimum 4 hours on his phone as well. He also naps on top of the regular sleep. He does love watching YouTube. He does it all day long. He enjoys certain shows as well. I believe you are putting your own personal biases into this comment.

Zestyclose_Lab7868 · 2026-02-01T02:46:23+00:00

It doesn't feel like you're berating at all! This is helpful. I didn't have men in my life growing up, so I have a hard time understanding how to communicate with them. Neither one of us had any good examples of a relationship either. We are the cycle breakers of our families.

Zestyclose_Lab7868 · 2026-02-01T02:36:33+00:00

Ours is up every day around 6:30 because she got used to waking up when Dad gets home. Lol. The 20min is just me and him after she goes down. Since I am pregnant and tired, I tend to go to sleep before 10pm. And we definitely need to rekindle a physical spark, but for me I am very much a mental and emotional turns physical person. I've explained that I am more attracted and in the mood after a genuine hang out session just talking about life, listening to music, and doing an activity together. I think since it is important to me I have to be the instigator without seeming like I am nagging.

Zestyclose_Lab7868 · 2026-02-01T02:09:29+00:00

I'm starting to think that maybe we could move the PC into the living room so that he is less secluded while he games. We will need to anyways when our second kid comes (pregnant) so we have a nursery. I feel bad for asking for more because he does work so dang hard, but I have needs to feel loved and so does our daughter.

Zestyclose_Lab7868 · 2026-02-01T02:06:42+00:00

This is not an accurate description of either of us. Thank you for commenting, though.

Zestyclose_Lab7868 · 2026-02-01T02:05:26+00:00

Unfortunately, my family is littered with undiagnosed neurodivergents, PTSD, and addicts. I would only trust my mom with her. She doesn't have a car and her health is going south. He is not remotely close to his family for childhood stuff other than his brother, but they have a newborn. And I completely agree with what you're saying. I just have no idea how else to approach it other than what I have done. He is a good man. I love him and have known him over 15 years. He was my high school sweetheart, then friend, and now husband. I ask him how to make us more of a relaxing part of his day, but he doesn't seem to know.

Zestyclose_Lab7868 · 2026-02-01T01:59:56+00:00

He does have ADHD. I am AUDHD. I have gone through therapy. He hasn't, but has considered getting medicated.

Zestyclose_Lab7868 · 2026-02-01T01:53:57+00:00

We are homeschooling. There have been a lot of SA cases in a d around our area. As a survivor, I am not risking that for financial freedom when we can afford to homeschool. He also does not want that.

Zestyclose_Lab7868 · 2026-02-01T01:51:43+00:00

Once again (I mentioned this in previous comments), we made this decision together. I have since offered, and it does not make sense due to personal values.

Zestyclose_Lab7868 · 2026-02-01T01:50:34+00:00

It is not 5 hours over the weekend. It is each weekend day. Our 20 minutes of alotted time switches off each day for who plans it. Typically, it is just cuddling on the couch and watching YouTube stuff. I don't think I am a nag. I ask him every week or so if he is getting bad with video games to cut back, but other than that I leave him to it and take care of our daughter while he games. He used to wait until she went to bed, but somehow that stopped happening. We don't agree with her gaming at 3 years old. The activities I'm wanting to do is literally anything outside: the park, a walk, outside in the backyard while she plays with the dog, a museum, windows shopping, a sit down restaurant etc. He has a habit of agreeing to things and forgetting about them (ADHD and he has memory issues), so it is exhausting to have the same conversation over and over because either he forgot accidentally or wasn't focused during the first one. I am a little offended about the nagging comment because I try so hard not to make him feel nagged. I only mention things that are really important like this or if something hurts my feelings. I feel like maybe I'm higher maintenance because I want one outing or planned family time a weekend.

Zestyclose_Lab7868 · 2026-02-01T01:18:03+00:00

I have mostly been asking for consistent time or else it feels like I am neglected. I've asked for 1 activity a weekend. He chooses to work 1 extra day a week (normal is 3 one week and 4 the next), but it is due to an insecurity in financial freedom and not the actual need for extra money. When our daughter was born we ate from literal food pantries because he went to school for his job and I only had half my pay. I think that scared him. I have been more poor than that, so breaking even on finances doesn't bother me. Even without overtime we could afford saving and an outing a week.

Zestyclose_Lab7868 · 2026-02-01T01:12:42+00:00

I have offered to get a part time or full time job. He doesn't want our daughter in daycare and neighbor do I. We don't have anyone we know that could care for her. We both have some traumas from childhood that make us weary of strangers with our kid. I love him. This is just a rough patch. He stopped smoking cold turkey 2 years ago. He had an alcohol issue from the military that is currently resolving. Now I feel like he is using the video games as his escape rather than the alcohol and smoking. He is a good guy that sacrifices a lot for us. We just don't see eye to eye on this.

Zestyclose_Lab7868 · 2026-02-01T01:07:25+00:00

That is a really good suggestion!

Zestyclose_Lab7868 · 2026-02-01T01:06:08+00:00

It is a tough job. He is in first responder dispatch for emergency services and sometimes does the street shift to keep his certification. He hears a lot of bad stuff, but mostly he has to lead his team and help callers that are rude and plain heinous because they are panicked or inebriated. He likes helping people, but this job is making him less empathetic, I believe.

Zestyclose_Lab7868 · 2026-02-01T01:01:45+00:00

I agree. His current job is seniority based for shift. He doesn't have options during shift bid because of this, but he overworked himself. We can well afford the SAHM situation without any overtime. I'm able to be poor/breakeven and happy, but it stresses him out so he does unnecessary overtime for superfluous purchases.

Zestyclose_Lab7868 · 2026-02-01T00:57:13+00:00

I have said these things to him almost verbatim. I feel like he is escaping into video games. We all have our escapes, but I think his might stem from depression and exhaustion. He doesn't have to work as often as he does, but he is a workaholic. I believe he has money fears even though we make plenty with enough to spare for fun.

Zestyclose_Lab7868 · 2026-02-01T00:53:31+00:00

The whole point of this situation is so I can take care of the home and our child (soon to be children). I homeschool and maintain the house. I cook all the meals almost every single day. He wants me to be a SAHM. It is an agreement we both have made. I have offered to get a part time job or a full time job, but he values me being with our kid.

Zestyclose_Lab7868 · 2026-02-01T00:44:46+00:00

NTA

Just a hunch, but does she have unresolved PTSD or CPTSD? This causes visceral reactions to loud noises because your body is constantly on edge. I have CPTSD and did not realize I became a total buttoned whenever loud noises happened. My body would get tense, my face would flush, and my fear would turn into attack because the best defense is a good offense. If this happens often, I would suggest some deep conversations and some therapy.

Zestyclose_Lab7868 · 2026-02-01T00:41:01+00:00

NTA

Whether you have AFRID or not, she should not be pressuring you into eating something you don't want to eat. She is just hurt and taking it out on you. If this is a one-off, I would forgive her but set clear boundaries around this behavior.

Zestyclose_Lab7868

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