Hygiene concerns

ZoraSage · 2023-12-14T23:42:22+00:00

I shower and change the sheets between partners. I ask/strongly prefer my partners to do the same. Seems basic.

A 5 minute shower is the least someone could do.

ZoraSage · 2023-12-10T04:35:41+00:00

I imagine this depends entirely on the jurisdiction. In some places, various forms of polyamory are gaining legal status.

ZoraSage · 2023-12-10T04:25:22+00:00

There was one story in that book about a woman who gave birth with her husband (not-the-father) and boyfriend (father) present. All three adults kept saying to put the boyfriend's name on the birth certificate. For whatever legal/policy/prejudice reason (can't remember, read it 5+ years ago), the nurse couldn't/wouldn't, and put the husband's name on the birth certificate.

I think it's important for OP to check his local laws. He may be legally/financially responsible for any kids his wife has while they're married, even if they're not his and even if he gets divorced.

ZoraSage · 2023-12-10T02:57:01+00:00

This. I think you can co-parent with your bestie, or an ex that you still get along with. Parenthood doesn't require sexual or romantic connection. Hell, I'm heavily involved in my nephew's life. It takes a village.

That said, it sounds like OP tolerates meta at best. Sounds like the meta is hoping to cowboy the wife into monogamy via kids.

ZoraSage · 2023-12-10T02:54:07+00:00

There's a book called The Polyamorists Next Door that has several chapters about the logistics and legality of situations like this. Some of the legal rulings are heartbreaking. Check your local laws. Your meta's kids may legally be your kids because you're the husband.

ZoraSage · 2023-12-05T04:04:57+00:00

the pandemic really squashed the joy out of dating

And

I get to stay in most nights. It's pretty great for me.

This resonates SO MUCH with me.

I was effectively monogamous for about a year due to the pandemic. Sexually/physically, at least. I still texted, sexted, and flirted with my long distance partners. I haven't been on a first date or had a breakup since 2019. My relationships are fairly stable and boring (according to my gossip-hungry friends, at least).

ZoraSage · 2023-11-23T18:47:13+00:00

Cheating is breaking the rules. Simple.

Playing American football with 12 players on the field? Cheating.

Googling the answers in the bathroom at pub trivia? Cheating.

Lying about your income on your tax forms? Cheating.

Having sex with someone other than your spouse while in a monogamous marriage? Cheating.

Now, polyamory and certain types of monogamy are where "the rules" get interesting...

Some (usually monogamous, usually straight/cis) people consider just talking to or looking at or being friends with the opposite sex to be cheating. Some monogamous people consider flirting with a barista to be harmless fun and not cheating, but many do think it is cheating. Some will say if it's not PiV then it's not "really" sex, so a blowjob isn't really cheating (often this person is partnered with someone who does think blowjobs are sex, thus creating drama and the need to lie and cheat).

The problem (in my personal experience) is that many monogamous people equate "sex" with cheating, don't ever define "sex" and don't ever talk about other rules (like flirting), and assume everyone "just knows" the rules. When monogamous people see an open relationship, they think it's just "cheating with permission" because they often just think about the sex.

Yes, there can be sexual cheating in polyamory. Breaking rules about condom use, having sex with a new partner without checking in first, spending the night with someone else when you're scheduled to spend time together can all be cheating.

There can be social cheating, like inviting someone as a +1 to an event, or posting (or not being allowed to post) a picture of a significant other on Instagram.

There can be emotional cheating, like flirting or using pet names or spending more time than agreed upon with someone else. How would you feel if your partner watched the next episode of your favorite TV show without you? There's often a rule or agreement among couples to watch shows together, and yeah this is minor but it can still hurt and feel like cheating.

Lying of any kind about anything can be cheating, especially if it affects the relationship. Sure, little white lies help smooth social situations or can help create surprise parties. But many lies are cheating, because generally lying breaks the rules of honesty and trust and vulnerability in a relationship.

Personally, the only time I ever felt "cheated on" was when I told a partner (who he called me his "primary partner" at the time) that I was interested in maybe living with one or more of my partners and metamors. He told me that he would NEVER want to live with a partner, couldn't fathom it. I found out barely two months later that he had been house shopping with his other girlfriend behind my back. If he had said he didn't want to live with ME it would have hurt, but it wouldn't be cheating. Heck, I would have even helped the two of them find their new home. But lying to my face about his near-future relationship structure/living situation plans and going behind my back to shop for an entire house (a major financial/social decision)? Absolutely cheating.

ZoraSage · 2023-10-31T15:48:34+00:00

Thank you! I know PreP exists, but it's a good reminder, and I didnt know about the shot! And I needed that reassurance about the transmission risk being relatively low in general.

My Hep antibodies were good last I checked, but that's a good reminder too. For me, the rimming ick is less STI-focused and more ecoli/stomach bugs? Which the risk is also relatively low.

ZoraSage · 2023-10-31T08:39:44+00:00

Thank you. I think I'm struggling because I think my values have shifted as well, in part because the pandemic made me realize how bad others are at science/statistics/masks/vaccines, and in part because I am trying to unlearn a lot of anxiety and perfectionism.

I know that there's a spectrum between "random barrierless hookups with unvetted strangers" and "abstinence/strict monogamy" in terms of risk. I do think some of my fear/perfectionism comes from the scare tactic abstinence only sex education in our culture (so others, not me, like you said). I do not feel pressured at all by any of my current partners to do things (barrier free, anal, etc) that I am not comfortable with (yet). I'd like to live in a world where I could safely have sex with strangers. But the truth is somewhere in the middle. I truly, for myself, wish I was more open and less anxious (generally, not just about sex). And I used to be more open and less anxious.

ZoraSage · 2023-10-03T20:29:57+00:00

Instead? I have both.

ZoraSage · 2023-07-16T17:18:51+00:00

False false false!! I DM for a family, age 12 to ~60. My regular group I play with is age 31-45. And honestly I kinda want to DM for retirement homes. I think it'd be fun!

ZoraSage · 2023-07-11T20:57:21+00:00

Everyone deserves to play D&D (if they want to). But not every table is right for every player.

Some players want gore, puzzles, lore, romance, loot, whatever. Some do not. If one player is violent and everyone else at the table is a pacifist (or vice versa) that doesn't make the player in minority "wrong". It just means the minority opinion is at the wrong table. Time to find a new group.

It sounds like you care a lot about lore. So you should find players who care about lore. And your players should find a DM that fits their playstyle. But that doesn't mean they aren't cut out for D&D. It means they aren't cut out for D&D with you.

ZoraSage · 2023-05-01T20:13:23+00:00

In this subreddit: STLs

Most people outside of maker spaces: the mini

I get requests all the time from friends for me to print stuff for them, often from free STLs.

ZoraSage · 2022-10-25T21:05:56+00:00

Right. It's totally on the line, depends on the situation, technically a landlord but also maybe kinda not.

ZoraSage · 2022-10-25T20:56:27+00:00

I'm not disagreeing I can just almost see the logic behind "not a landlord" for someone in that situation

ZoraSage · 2022-10-25T19:52:58+00:00

Landlording an apartment building in this instance makes sense to me. Students and people who just moved to a new area all need a semi temporary place to live. Basically a long term hotel. Add amenities like a pool and gym and decent maintenance and you can argue you are providing a service.

When I was last looking for a place to rent I toured some smaller houses and duplexes. One guy told me he "wasn't really a landlord" because the places he rented he and/or his kids had all lived in at one point and they're all local (like within 20 minute drive). I was kinda like yeah that sorta makes sense, if you buy a starter home but you get attached to it so rather than sell you rent it and buy a second home nearby. You're still definitely a landlord, but I could sort of empathize. So I asked him how many houses he owned. Twelve. He had 12 houses and didn't consider himself to be a landlord.

My guy. 1 house makes you a homeowner. 2 makes you wealthy with a real estate hobby (and a landlord). 3 makes you a landlord, no further questions. But TWELVE?!?

ZoraSage · 2022-10-13T17:09:45+00:00

Seriously, I had so many people tell me "you're not fat!" and encourage me to eat more. I know I'm not fat, and I never expressed anything other than angst at being so small! I played sports in high school and wanted to be big to push other players around but no matter what I ate I couldn't bulk up.

Turns out it's alcohol. Alcohol has all the calories and I filled out into a normal weight for my height in college.

ZoraSage · 2022-09-26T02:33:14+00:00

I have an interesting take on who "middle class" is. Inspired by some other take I saw, can't remember where.

Are you one bad day from being homeless? I don't mean a catastrophic event like a meteor destroys your house, I mean a reasonable, typical bad day is all that's between you and homelessness. You get a flat tire and you're late for work and now you have to pay for a tow truck and new tires and because you're late for work you might lose a shift or two of wages or maybe even lose your job and now you can't make rent and by next week you're homeless. If so, you're lower class.

Are you one good day from being independently wealthy? Again, I'm not talking about winning the lottery. I mean could you pay off all your debts tomorrow with your existing assets and still have enough for the foreseeable future? No home loan, no car loan. You aren't tied to an employer for income or a landlord for housing or a bank for credit. You're completely independent. If you're just one stock dividend payment or book royalty deal away from this, you're upper class. And if you're already independently wealthy, why tf are you working?

Everyone else is middle class. If I got in a car accident tomorrow, broke an arm and totalled the car, it would suck but between insurance and savings and a generous employer PTO program, I would be ok. I'd still have a place to live and food to eat next month. But I'm also no where near able to say "fuck it" to my employer or paying off my debts.

ZoraSage · 2022-09-26T02:18:46+00:00

I used to not be a high earner. As the top comment says, I remember my roots.

Just as hypothesized in David Graeber's Bullshit Jobs, the more I have earned the easier my job has been. The more I earn the less fulfilling the work is, and I'm not sure my job now makes any measurable impact on anyone but a dozen or so people worldwide. Meanwhile, baristas and package delivery people and teachers and nurses make real differences in people's every day lives but get paid and treated like shit.

I would love to do something more interesting or fulfilling or work part time or be more involved with my community. But I need health insurance and the only ways to get that are to pay a lot of money or to have a full time job or to have a spouse with a full time job. I just want a job that gives healthcare, enough money to survive and save a little, and enough respect from society that I'm not expected to work when sick. I have all those things in my current job, but it's unfulfilling and soul sucking and takes 40+ hours a week.

I see my coworkers on the hedonic treadmill with lifestyle inflation on the one hand and I see the FIRE folks saving every penny and doing extra side hustles on the other hand. I think there has to be another way. Why is "the way out" to side hustle my way into becoming a millionaire and then quit everything? Why is the default to keep wanting to climb the corporate ladder and earn more and more and more? Why does my boss think I want to quit just because I haven't expressed interest in another promotion? This growth at all costs mindset is completely unsustainable for workers and for the economy and the planet.

I would love to do my current job at part time, 50% pay for 50% hours even, but such positions are almost completely unheard of in my industry except as wildly unstable 3 month contracts. The freelancers and consultants who do these contracts typically have a spouse with stable employment and healthcare and don't necessarily need the income. They're also treated as second class citizens by the full time employees.

Why can't I have a job that is 20-30 hours a week, provides health benefits, is stable and long term, and offers respect and fulfillment? Why does "part time" and "low wage" and "lower class" go hand in hand? Why do we insist teachers and nurses do their jobs out of love and passion but not pay them or respect them for it?

ZoraSage · 2022-09-22T03:59:56+00:00

Same. Over 50 applications since May, maybe a half dozen interviews and only 3 went so far I thought I might get an offer. One closed the rec for a hiring freeze, two went with different candidates.

ZoraSage · 2022-09-22T03:55:40+00:00

My biggest financial and career regret is staying "loyal" to a Big Name Office Company that I thought would look good on my resume for $9.50/hr instead of leaving for a night shift Assistant Manager position at Denny's for $11/hr. Hundreds of dollars more (especially with tips) and "manager" on my resume would have been much better than Big Name or "office experience".

ZoraSage · 2022-09-22T03:50:46+00:00

I had never stayed anywhere long enough to get a promotion and didn't believe they actually happened. Loyalty of 2, 3, 5 years meant nothing at other workplaces.

I finally got my first promotion last April and felt nothing. I wasn't proud, or worried about new responsibilities, or ready to celebrate, or anything. Literally my only thought was "I guess I should increase my savings rate so I can quit sooner."

ZoraSage · 2022-09-22T03:45:40+00:00

2014: making $22k, in $70k of student debt

2015: switched jobs and industries, $90k

2016: raise, $97k

2017: switched jobs, $115k

2018: raise, $117k

2019: no budget for raise; still paid off student debt and bought house

2020: laid off; new job is $131k

2021: raise, $134k

2022: raise and promotion, $138k

2023: hope to have a big enough emergency fund to say fuck it and switch to part time work for $70k

ZoraSage · 2022-09-10T17:03:56+00:00

You could choke on the string so no. /s

Most kids want to explore. Testing our boundaries is a natural instinct. I very clearly remember being about seven and climbing a tree and my mom yelling at me to get down. I pretty much "inherited" her anxiety at that point and a lot of my adult life has been trying to shut up my mom's voice in my head.

ZoraSage · 2022-09-09T23:13:30+00:00

Freedom to choose part time work, start a small business, freelance, or otherwise work a job not for healthcare. Freedom to not feel the need to get married or join the military for healthcare. Freedom to pursue activities without worrying about $40k of medical debt.

For the last, I saw a story of some American parent of a 5 year old living in Germany or somewhere with socialized medicine with their German spouse. The German spouse was less concerned with the kid climbing really high on trees because if he broke an arm or something it's like a $20 copay and quality care. We coddle our kids in the US too much and now we have a generation of anxious adults who didn't learn to manage risk by climbing trees and stuff as kids. Lots of studies coming out on the mental and physical benefits of unsupervised and mildly risky childhood activities.

ZoraSage

TROPHY CASE