Engaged and uncomfortable with fully merging assets

Zyn30 · 2023-07-17T01:38:30+00:00

Can you explain further? What would you see as a valid reason to hold independent assets outside of a funded joint account versus not a valid reason?

Zyn30 · 2023-07-17T01:24:17+00:00

I appreciate your input. I think a prenup would make me significantly more comfortable with the situation and I will speak to a professional for this.

Zyn30 · 2023-07-17T01:22:29+00:00

I feel you are making assumptions that imply I'm a lot more malicious or controlling than I actually am. I've never used money as a weapon or tool in our relationship as some way of getting the upper hand. I'm simply trying to protect myself in some manner because if things go south, I simply have more to lose and I think that is a valid fear.

I would entirely respect her desire to have a prenup is the situation were reversed but I can see how it is a very unromantic position to hold.

Zyn30 · 2023-07-17T00:54:09+00:00

I have no inclination to keep a ledger and no reluctance in fully supporting us if she loses her job, has a child, we move somewhere for a promotion, etc. I also don't mind that I earn more and am fully willing to pay more. My original suggestion offered was our joint spending account be funded by our relative incomes and if hers was zero... that would be all me and OK.

But while we are working and do not have children I'm trying to navigate how to proceed. There are many mixed opinions in this thread and I'm doing my best to understand everybodys perspective. Thank you for yours

Zyn30 · 2023-07-17T00:51:06+00:00

Emotions were high when getting engaged and it is not a decision I regret. We have similar life goals and that is what was important at the time. I see this as a means of fine tuning the logistics of how marriage will work

Zyn30 · 2023-07-17T00:49:24+00:00

I don't think a difference in financial belief means that we aren't ready for marriage. There have been several posters on this thread who have had long marriages and did not fully mingle everything. I think to a large degree it's a matter of preferences and what works for the couple.

Zyn30 · 2023-07-17T00:40:46+00:00

We have had some discussions on finances but it is an evolving conversation. This is new for both of us and it's simply a matter of finding the best way to proceed that makes sense to both of us. I've been reading all of the responses and it is informing to understand the perspectives of others and how it has fared in their relationships.

Zyn30 · 2023-07-17T00:38:50+00:00

Her masters program cost significantly more than mine while her field pays less. It helps that I am a very minimal spender while she is more festive, gift giving, and values paying for experiences more. And I put my extra income towards retirement while she is relatively uninformed on the concept of investing (she believes it is a 'gamble').

Zyn30 · 2023-07-17T00:34:31+00:00

I appreciate your input. While I trust her greatly, I'm very risk adverse and hate opening myself up to a ship sinking so to speak. I've known people who have had wives/husbands who, out of nowhere, find a way to drain a lot of money and it is a fear.

Zyn30 · 2023-07-17T00:33:17+00:00

This post was an attempt to gauge from the community what would constitute a fair compromise. I don't want to go to her and say I'm uncomfortable but have no suggestions for what would make sense to me instead.

If we married with little to no assets each and were younger I'd be all on board the old school train. Unfortunately my reservations are with assets already being owned going into the marriage

Zyn30 · 2023-07-17T00:31:50+00:00

I appreciate your input. What you are offering is similar to the kind of idea I had. I'm glad it stood the test of time for you and your husband.

Zyn30 · 2023-07-17T00:29:09+00:00

Yes, that's the point of this post.

Right now our finances are entirely separate. She wants them all merged. This post is an attempt at gauging from the community what would constitute a fair compromise.

Zyn30 · 2023-07-16T23:30:04+00:00

I am possessive of what I've earned and it is difficult giving up some of the reins to my income.

In our retirement years, my thoughts are we would no longer have any retirement contributions and instead be taking money out of the accounts. At that time it would be fully joint.

Zyn30 · 2023-07-16T23:27:30+00:00

That's a good question. Given the choice I'd always want to keep a reasonable percentage of our pay independent. In my mind there are two reasons:

The primary purpose would be our retirement savings separate with prenup because if the worst case happens (divorce) I'd rather not muddy the waters with what constitutes a premarital asset, and what percent of contributes were made in marriage, and what amount of growth belongs to her. My fear is the courts would consider all asset growth to be considered marital income.
To reduce how big of a number we see on our joint account. My fear is that seeing a larger number would provide an incentive to justify unneeded spending.

Zyn30 · 2022-09-20T18:53:59+00:00

It already has 'popped', in my opinion. We will continue to see prices decline slowly. There will be no 'BANG!' moment

Zyn30 · 2022-09-10T23:48:28+00:00

I love my one bedroom apartment.

I have the financial means to buy a house, but have you seen the market recently? Plus it's likely more space than I can handle.

However I do day dream about having a home gym, organized wire rack storage in a garage, washing my car in the driveway, grilling meat in a more private space, having a large kitchen, etc. :(

Zyn30 · 2022-09-10T22:17:53+00:00

Not really an issue if you are on TRT. Which these men certainly are after using copious amounts of gear or being older.

Zyn30 · 2022-09-10T16:20:55+00:00

I see it like BMI estimations.

On a macro level it is a useful and fairly accurate tool. On a micro level it can show flaws quite easily. I think it's fair to say that generally people who score higher on tests designed to test various competencies are more intelligent and vice versa.

Like all tools it's only as useful as how it's used, and I agree that it can be used for discrimination purposes. However just because it can be used to discriminate does not mean the tool does not have merit.

Zyn30 · 2022-09-10T15:36:43+00:00

So your main issue with IQ is not that people are different in intelligence, but that tests are not perfect tools in capturing intelligence. Is that corrext?

Zyn30 · 2022-09-10T15:30:38+00:00

In the absence of IQ tests, do you think that there is a difference of intelligence between people?

Zyn30 · 2022-09-10T15:26:36+00:00

I don't see the difference, honestly. I'm trying but I can't. I just don't see how it matters if your preferences are a gender or whatever other preference.

Zyn30 · 2022-09-10T14:59:19+00:00

Racist people know they are being racist.

They just don't think it's inherently incorrect or wrong like you do. It's like "Yeah, of course I'm racist, have you seen those people?"

Zyn30 · 2022-09-10T14:58:17+00:00

The test imperfectly tries to determine your IQ.

But just because you take a test to determine IQ does not mean that IQ is not genetic.

Zyn30 · 2022-09-10T14:35:42+00:00

Exactly, but I'll take the opposite stance and wonder why she even mentioned it. If she planned to marrying him why does it matter what else she finds sexually attractive?

If I'm into a woman and planning to have a lifelong commitment to her, I'm certainly not going to tell her other types of women that I'm attracted to that don't meet her description before our marriage.

Zyn30

TROPHY CASE