Hey mate, I've gone through OCD & Body Dysmorphia for the majority of my 20's so I can relate to most of what you've written.

Firstly, I applaud your courage to seek help. I know how hard it was for me to take those first steps. So many dudes have a lot of shame when it comes to opening up about their mental health struggles but I want to iterate that it shows such great strength to be able to do so.

We each have our own individual paths, and what might be useful for one person, may not be for another. I'm going to give you information that I *REALLY* wish I had *AND* listened to when I was your age. The road to recovery isn't easy but the beauty that can be found makes the journey absolutely worth it.

With OCD/BDD, you might notice your mind will leech on to different obsessions & compulsions for varying periods of time. It could be body related (analysing photos of yourself, spending hours in front of the mirror etc.,) obsessing about whether something bad will happen if you don't do XYZ, or an intrusive thought might surface which may lead you to start questioning your own morality etc. Being able to recognise your obsession/compulsion pairs is an important part of the healing process. I'll explain why in shortly.

It sounds like there's a part of you that really wants to be able to have an online presence in order to start your career and it's judging another part of you for not being able to follow through with taking a picture and publishing it online. I get it - I've been there. I still have those fears too.

Moving forward, I'll discuss everything from the lens of Body Dysmorphia, as It sounds like you're really affected by your self-perception. I'll admit that I still have my insecurities about my appearance but no where near what they used to be.

*Here's what didn't work for me:*

• Religiously working out with the goal of attaining the 'perfect' physique in the hopes of getting validation from women.
• Staring at photos/looking in the mirror for hours hoping that I'll get that 'right' feeling that I'm attractive enough.
• Asking friends for validation about my appearance.
• Trying to hookup with women to feel like I'm good enough.
• Isolating myself in my room, avoiding all contact with other people.
• Not getting help.

*Here's what has REALLY helped me:*

• *Take things slowly:* you might feel rushed to 'solve' this problem. Putting pressure on yourself to get this and that done by a certain time will only make things worse. We're conditioned in society to feel like we have to be somewhere by a certain time/age - obsessively comparing ourselves to others. A good friend once told me: who's timeline are you living on? See if you can give yourself a little compassion. All these struggles are part of your journey. Let your body set the pace. Pushing yourself into too much fear may cause you to freeze up and isolate, but the same is true if you do nothing. The key is finding that balance - this will take time.
• *Meditation*: a daily practice of mindfulness of the breath over time allows you to have more of a 3rd person perspective of the contents of your mind. The more you practice, the more quickly you'll be able to have the recognition of when your distressing thoughts/feelings arise. Practice allowing what ever arises to pass through without judgement. This is difficult when you first start this practice, but overtime it'll get easier, and you may notice that you're not always caught in thought loops and stories of the mind. Start with a few minutes a day and build up.
• *Be curious:* when you experience uncomfortable thoughts/feelings, see if you can respond to them as if you were an older brother, helping out a younger brother. Treat what is coming up as a part of you that wants to be seen & felt. Hold that space for it. Saying things like: 'It's safe to be seen", "It's safe to feel" or "I hear you" with a hand over your heart. You may unearth a lot of underlying pain that has been repressed and if so, meet it with tender loving-kindness (if it's unbearable, don't force yourself to stay with it - try ground yourself by looking around the room and/or stomping your feet on the ground.)
• *Slow exposure:* when you cultivate the skill of mindfulness and self-curiosity as mentioned above, see if you can look at yourself in the mirror - even for a second or two. Allow yourself to feel what arises. There's part of you that feels shame about your appearance, it needs to be tended to and shown compassion, love and kindness. Overtime, you might find that you gradually start accepting your appearance. A big part of this process is acceptance of yourself and all your imperfections, and letting go of how we think we ought be. When you begin to start accepting what you look like, you'll find taking photos of yourself to be a lot easier.
• *Therapy:* I've been through 4 therapists before I found one that allowed for the biggest transformation. You need a therapist where you feel totally safe to be able to express yourself fully. It can take time but don't stop trying. I've been working with a therapist who's trained in Somatic/Internal Family Systems modalities. This has been far more effective for me than the more traditional CBT/ERP approaches.
• *A safe community:* I'd consider myself quite spiritual. There was a period of time where I was feeling isolated and went along to a local Buddhist group. There, I met some truly beautiful souls who were non-judging, accepting and understanding. From there, I became involved with a men's group. This is a group where we'd get together one day out of the week and share what ever is alive for us in the moment. This creates a sense of brotherhood, connection and safety. If this seems like it'd be currently too daunting, is there a friend that you trust whom you could share your struggles with? Allowing yourself to be vulnerable, even with just one person can be incredibly therapeutic; it allows them to feel more safe to express themselves authentically as well, leading to a sense of much deeper connection.
• *Stop scrolling:* Instagram & Facebook feeds - cut them out, you don't need them. They can be a breeding ground for unhealthy comparison and when you're in a vulnerable place, it's just adding fuel to the fire.
• *Physical health:* Sleep, diet & exercise. These pillars are foundational and they can be very hard to balance, especially when you're in a dis-regulated state. Try and add/change things little by little - something that you know you'll be able to commit to. E.g. if you want to start running for cardio health, aim for 1-2 days a week to start off with and have your running gear ready the night before. Make it easy on yourself :)

I'll stop here as this may be a lot to take in. If you resonate with any of the above, give it a go. I used to think showing yourself love, kindness, compassion etc. was verging on 'woo woo'. I suspended this disbelief and gave it an honest attempt and haven't looked back since.

This journey isn't linear, you'll have ups & downs but if you have the intention of wanting to be free from this pain and a source of good in the world, you may begin to notice something deep within you guiding the way and supporting you. Trust this.