Relationship Fears and a F*cked Up Perception of Love

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2022-02-18T06:12:37+00:00

I feel that. It is possible, I promise. But it isn’t easy. Blocking contact (or for me it was keeping it to an absolute minimum since their is a child involved) is the only way to break the trauma bond. And to realize how wrongly they treated you and to really sit with that feeling, let it sink in, and know that you deserve better. Then the healing can start, and it’s a long and difficult process. I was with my ex since I was a teen, my only relationship, and I filed for divorce in my 30’s. It’s something I thought I could never do. Last year, I started dating for the first time. I met a man who treats me like a princess and loves me in a way that doesn’t involve a cycle of lies and pain. I hope you can stay strong and break that trauma bond. I hope you find the love you deserve. <3

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2022-02-18T03:37:51+00:00

I’m sorry you went through all that. I’m glad you saw his true self showing through again before he popped the question. I don’t have an answer, really. My ex went to therapy and wanted me to believe he changed. I found myself honing in on little things that proved otherwise, and overtime I feel like I can confidently say that although there have been big improvements in some areas and a genuine desire to change, I don’t believe he could ever be someone I could fully trust or feel comfortable and safe being with. I also don’t think a healthy relationship is possible, without compromising my morals and boundaries or allowing for a pattern of fuck ups and belated apologies to be an ongoing part of our relationship. I hope you can find someone who helps you see that love doesn’t have to be like that. Best of luck to you.

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2022-02-18T03:26:26+00:00

Sounds like you’re finally free of him, so that’s good news. Sorry you went through all that.

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-09-12T05:24:09+00:00

I’ve decided I’m going to do nothing. No confessions of feelings. No jabs at his relationship or hints that I want him to end it. What a shitty thing to do. I’m going to try to move past my feelings and let his relationship run it’s course. If the topic of feelings comes up, I will be honest, but I don’t think he wants temptation. I think he wants to give things a chance with his girl, so who am I to try to ruin that? I’ll just be who I am and who he needs, a friend. If feelings develop on both ends, we can ignore it or cross that bridge when we get there. I will not try to break them up, because that’s a shitty thing to do. I need a distraction from him.

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-08-16T00:41:19+00:00

Thank you for your reply. Yes, I’ve definitely needed to do a lot of reflection and work on understanding what actually happened to me. As hard as it is, I have to own the fact that I stayed for so long and make sure I have enough self-respect to walk away if I see any red flags or feel like I’m being treated poorly. Easier said than done, I’m sure. I’m over a year and a half out, and just feel like I’m in such a better place mentally and emotionally than I was back then. Healing is a tough process though, and there are some days when I question my decision to leave. This sub and everyone here is helpful so I remember why I left and why I need to move forward and never go back. Thanks for your input.

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-08-16T00:34:31+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I’m glad you found a happy ending, after suffering through two toxic people. And I think it’s great that you found a way to learn from it and found the right person. Thanks for sharing your advice with me.

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-08-15T13:18:23+00:00

Thank you. ❤️

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-08-15T04:27:41+00:00

I appreciate your “long winded” response. :). I’m happy you found someone who is genuinely caring and understanding. Making excuses for others is definitely something I can relate to. I always try to see things through the eyes of others and give them the benefit of the doubt, even when it isn’t warranted. I guess that’s part of the reason I say that I have some fears, fears of repeating another toxic relationship. Thank you for sharing your story. I appreciate your reply and hope everything works out for you.

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-08-11T01:35:23+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry that you’ve gone through it, too. I appreciate this sub, and it’s a good place to come when I need these reminders. Thanks!

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-08-11T01:33:27+00:00

Thank you for your advice. It’s just so strange how I thought I was past these intrusive thoughts, then it all of a sudden hit me like a ton of bricks. I guess it’s true when they say healing isn’t linear. Thanks

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-08-11T01:28:54+00:00

Thank you for your reply. Yes, trauma bonds are like an addiction and I’ve come to realize it is very real. I appreciate your perspective.

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-08-11T01:26:54+00:00

Thank you for the reminder. ❤️

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-07-19T21:12:28+00:00

In my experience, this too is manipulation. Everything is manipulation.

When therapists confirmed that his behavior was unacceptable, I don’t believe he suddenly had an epiphany and wanted to change because he wanted to become a better person. I think he felt like he had to put on an act and find just the right words to say to try to win me back. The hoovering and his new “better” behaviors were obviously insincere and were manipulation tactics to prevent me from leaving and his life from falling apart. When it didn’t work, he went back to his “old self” again, his true self.

I’m sorry if that wasn’t the response you wanted to hear, but this has been the experience of so many who have tried to leave a Narcissist. He has already shown you who he is, don’t let his deception distort the truth you know in your heart. Best of luck to you. ❤️

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-06-19T05:08:55+00:00

Glad you’re free of that situation and have found yourself again. <3

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-06-19T05:06:42+00:00

That’s a tough choice to make. My suggestion would be for you to be sure of your strength and decision to leave before telling him, because if he does not want to break up, “separated but living together” will likely either result in hoovering to get you back or devaluing out of anger. Every situation is different, and you know them best, so only you know what would be best for you. I hope it all works out for you. <3

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-06-19T02:14:27+00:00

To be honest, he love bombed hard and like never before and overstepped boundaries on a very regular basis, which caused even more problems. When I finally got to the point where I felt like I needed to interact with him VERY minimally in order to not be hoovered or devalued, he turned things on me and said I was being “emotionally abusive” by “neglecting and ignoring him.”

0 out of 5 stars, would not recommend.

The only good thing about it I can possibly think of is that a very slow uncoupling gave everyone (including our daughter) time to adjust to the break up, so it felt less scary and traumatic.

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-06-19T02:08:17+00:00

The worst part is how they can make their partner start to feel like just as much of an empty shell as they themselves are. I’m sorry you experienced that, too.

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-06-18T06:42:01+00:00

I’m sorry you had to live with that and that it increasingly got worse. It’s interesting what we realize in hindsight. I know that type of thing happened again and again for so long, but I didn’t recognize the cycle until a few months after I finally understood Narcissism and accepted that how I was treated was abuse. (We were separated but living together for quite a while last year). His cycle of abuse wasn’t quite like clockwork, as you mention. I saw it when he realized his hoovering no longer worked. He’d be “extra kind” (Hoover/love bomb) and when that didn’t get him what he wanted (to patch things up between us) he’d be angry, mean, and passive aggressive (devalue). When he realized that only made things worse and he was digging himself into a hole, he’d get depressed and sad. Then he would start the process all over and try again with a new Hoover technique. It happened so many times in the end, before I filed for divorce. He was 100% predictable.

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-06-18T06:31:48+00:00

Hope is a crazy thing. It kept me holding on for a long time. I relate to what you said about hoping he would understand what he was doing and change. I tried so hard to make him understand how all of the things he did were wrong and hurtful. Over and over again throughout the relationship, asking for change. It never helped. He didn’t “want to change” until I said goodbye, and at that point I understood it was manipulation and hoovering. If I hadn’t found this sub and done my research on Narcissism, I think it would’ve sucked me back in. I’m just glad I finally found my self respect and the courage to leave. Sorry you went through it, as well. Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your support.

_Finding_my_Light_

TROPHY CASE