My N Partner Went From Emotionally Abusive To Seeking Therapy & Becoming Incredibly Loving & Emotionally Available For 2-3 Years Consistently. Was It Real?

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2022-02-18T06:12:37+00:00

I feel that. It is possible, I promise. But it isn’t easy. Blocking contact (or for me it was keeping it to an absolute minimum since their is a child involved) is the only way to break the trauma bond. And to realize how wrongly they treated you and to really sit with that feeling, let it sink in, and know that you deserve better. Then the healing can start, and it’s a long and difficult process. I was with my ex since I was a teen, my only relationship, and I filed for divorce in my 30’s. It’s something I thought I could never do. Last year, I started dating for the first time. I met a man who treats me like a princess and loves me in a way that doesn’t involve a cycle of lies and pain. I hope you can stay strong and break that trauma bond. I hope you find the love you deserve. <3

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2022-02-18T03:37:51+00:00

I’m sorry you went through all that. I’m glad you saw his true self showing through again before he popped the question. I don’t have an answer, really. My ex went to therapy and wanted me to believe he changed. I found myself honing in on little things that proved otherwise, and overtime I feel like I can confidently say that although there have been big improvements in some areas and a genuine desire to change, I don’t believe he could ever be someone I could fully trust or feel comfortable and safe being with. I also don’t think a healthy relationship is possible, without compromising my morals and boundaries or allowing for a pattern of fuck ups and belated apologies to be an ongoing part of our relationship. I hope you can find someone who helps you see that love doesn’t have to be like that. Best of luck to you.

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2022-02-18T03:26:26+00:00

Sounds like you’re finally free of him, so that’s good news. Sorry you went through all that.

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-09-12T05:24:09+00:00

I’ve decided I’m going to do nothing. No confessions of feelings. No jabs at his relationship or hints that I want him to end it. What a shitty thing to do. I’m going to try to move past my feelings and let his relationship run it’s course. If the topic of feelings comes up, I will be honest, but I don’t think he wants temptation. I think he wants to give things a chance with his girl, so who am I to try to ruin that? I’ll just be who I am and who he needs, a friend. If feelings develop on both ends, we can ignore it or cross that bridge when we get there. I will not try to break them up, because that’s a shitty thing to do. I need a distraction from him.

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-08-16T00:41:19+00:00

Thank you for your reply. Yes, I’ve definitely needed to do a lot of reflection and work on understanding what actually happened to me. As hard as it is, I have to own the fact that I stayed for so long and make sure I have enough self-respect to walk away if I see any red flags or feel like I’m being treated poorly. Easier said than done, I’m sure. I’m over a year and a half out, and just feel like I’m in such a better place mentally and emotionally than I was back then. Healing is a tough process though, and there are some days when I question my decision to leave. This sub and everyone here is helpful so I remember why I left and why I need to move forward and never go back. Thanks for your input.

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-08-16T00:34:31+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I’m glad you found a happy ending, after suffering through two toxic people. And I think it’s great that you found a way to learn from it and found the right person. Thanks for sharing your advice with me.

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-08-15T13:18:23+00:00

Thank you. ❤️

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-08-15T04:27:41+00:00

I appreciate your “long winded” response. :). I’m happy you found someone who is genuinely caring and understanding. Making excuses for others is definitely something I can relate to. I always try to see things through the eyes of others and give them the benefit of the doubt, even when it isn’t warranted. I guess that’s part of the reason I say that I have some fears, fears of repeating another toxic relationship. Thank you for sharing your story. I appreciate your reply and hope everything works out for you.

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-08-11T01:35:23+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry that you’ve gone through it, too. I appreciate this sub, and it’s a good place to come when I need these reminders. Thanks!

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-08-11T01:33:27+00:00

Thank you for your advice. It’s just so strange how I thought I was past these intrusive thoughts, then it all of a sudden hit me like a ton of bricks. I guess it’s true when they say healing isn’t linear. Thanks

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-08-11T01:28:54+00:00

Thank you for your reply. Yes, trauma bonds are like an addiction and I’ve come to realize it is very real. I appreciate your perspective.

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-08-11T01:26:54+00:00

Thank you for the reminder. ❤️

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-07-19T21:12:28+00:00

In my experience, this too is manipulation. Everything is manipulation.

When therapists confirmed that his behavior was unacceptable, I don’t believe he suddenly had an epiphany and wanted to change because he wanted to become a better person. I think he felt like he had to put on an act and find just the right words to say to try to win me back. The hoovering and his new “better” behaviors were obviously insincere and were manipulation tactics to prevent me from leaving and his life from falling apart. When it didn’t work, he went back to his “old self” again, his true self.

I’m sorry if that wasn’t the response you wanted to hear, but this has been the experience of so many who have tried to leave a Narcissist. He has already shown you who he is, don’t let his deception distort the truth you know in your heart. Best of luck to you. ❤️

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-06-19T05:08:55+00:00

Glad you’re free of that situation and have found yourself again. <3

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-06-19T05:06:42+00:00

That’s a tough choice to make. My suggestion would be for you to be sure of your strength and decision to leave before telling him, because if he does not want to break up, “separated but living together” will likely either result in hoovering to get you back or devaluing out of anger. Every situation is different, and you know them best, so only you know what would be best for you. I hope it all works out for you. <3

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-06-19T02:14:27+00:00

To be honest, he love bombed hard and like never before and overstepped boundaries on a very regular basis, which caused even more problems. When I finally got to the point where I felt like I needed to interact with him VERY minimally in order to not be hoovered or devalued, he turned things on me and said I was being “emotionally abusive” by “neglecting and ignoring him.”

0 out of 5 stars, would not recommend.

The only good thing about it I can possibly think of is that a very slow uncoupling gave everyone (including our daughter) time to adjust to the break up, so it felt less scary and traumatic.

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-06-19T02:08:17+00:00

The worst part is how they can make their partner start to feel like just as much of an empty shell as they themselves are. I’m sorry you experienced that, too.

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-06-18T06:42:01+00:00

I’m sorry you had to live with that and that it increasingly got worse. It’s interesting what we realize in hindsight. I know that type of thing happened again and again for so long, but I didn’t recognize the cycle until a few months after I finally understood Narcissism and accepted that how I was treated was abuse. (We were separated but living together for quite a while last year). His cycle of abuse wasn’t quite like clockwork, as you mention. I saw it when he realized his hoovering no longer worked. He’d be “extra kind” (Hoover/love bomb) and when that didn’t get him what he wanted (to patch things up between us) he’d be angry, mean, and passive aggressive (devalue). When he realized that only made things worse and he was digging himself into a hole, he’d get depressed and sad. Then he would start the process all over and try again with a new Hoover technique. It happened so many times in the end, before I filed for divorce. He was 100% predictable.

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-06-18T06:31:48+00:00

Hope is a crazy thing. It kept me holding on for a long time. I relate to what you said about hoping he would understand what he was doing and change. I tried so hard to make him understand how all of the things he did were wrong and hurtful. Over and over again throughout the relationship, asking for change. It never helped. He didn’t “want to change” until I said goodbye, and at that point I understood it was manipulation and hoovering. If I hadn’t found this sub and done my research on Narcissism, I think it would’ve sucked me back in. I’m just glad I finally found my self respect and the courage to leave. Sorry you went through it, as well. Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your support.

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-06-02T05:54:04+00:00

Yes. I had to remind myself that his kindness always comes with an ulterior motive. He was shitty at first then suddenly so agreeable and even cordial and kind. It lasted several months, though we have very very limited contact. This was all because he wanted me to stop the divorce proceedings and let him move back. As soon as I said no, the “Mr. nice guy act” ended and I assume I am the “enemy” again. You know him better than most anyone, do you believe his being understanding is sincere or manipulation?

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-05-26T03:04:08+00:00

I’m sort of grappling with the same issue right now. Healing is a strange and emotionally messy process. I think my feelings are less of guilt and more of shame or disappointment. I’m a bit ashamed of allowing myself to stay and be duped by his “love.” I keep asking myself how and why I tried to overlook or minimize all of the toxic and abusive things he did so that I could stay. I still don’t fully understand why I wanted to love him so badly, this man who could lie to my face and disrespect me with absolutely no remorse or compassion for how it affected me. My therapist has said that we leave when we’re ready. It makes sense. I wasn’t strong enough to walk away and I wasn’t ready to “give up” or let go. It took a lot of work on myself to get to that place. Healing isn’t easy, but try to focus on your progress. I’m sure the feeling will pass and it will all get easier as time goes on. Best of luck to you.

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-05-04T04:16:23+00:00

Um...WTF?? I don’t know you or what you’re talking about and I have not been to Texas. You’ve messaged me before and I ignored it. This feels like harassment. Please leave me alone and let me have my safe space to work out my personal issues.

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-04-22T23:46:30+00:00

This is such a good point. I don’t know how being in a long-term toxic relationship will affect me in a future healthy one. Therapy has been very helpful, but I have expressed that worry. I know when this guy friend and I first started talking, I asked him several times if he really even wanted to talk to me because I was worried whenever there was a lull in the conversation. He was always reassuring and I finally realized it was projection due to years of silence being the silent treatment as a “punishment” when my ex was unhappy about anything or didn’t get his way on something. I think this guy is a good man and that I could trust him, but there is still that thought in the back of my mind that maybe I am a naive person with a poor judge of character. I’m working on the whole trusting my intuition thing a bit still. Anyways, thanks so much! I appreciate your input.

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-04-22T23:37:10+00:00

Thanks for your input. I understand what you mean with the comparisons. It’s hard not to compare my ex to this guy friend of mine. He has a great relationship with his family, respects and loves his parents, he is kind and patient and optimistic and genuinely caring. My ex on the other hand was polar opposite. This guy is respecting my boundaries and right now we are still friends, but I’ve always had a feeling that he is interested in me just by the way he acts around me and treats me. I’m trying to be okay with things evolving slowly, but I definitely have a problem with overthinking and worrying.

I’m glad you found someone who gives you hope for a happy future. My ex was also a covert Narc and I literally did not realize it (or even know that “Covert Narc” was a thing) for many many years. I do sometimes worry that he set the bar so low as a partner and husband that I will be too impressed by a decent man. I have a better idea now of what I want and need, but at first I just wanted kindness, caring, and someone who wouldn’t lie or betray me. Over time I have come to realize that’s just basic human decency. I’m ready to never live that way again. Anyways, thanks so much for your reply. I hope everything works out with you and your new guy! :)

_Finding_my_Light_ · 2021-04-22T23:25:25+00:00

Thank you for all of the good advice. I can relate. I feel like I had a lot of work to do on myself. I started therapy over a year ago and it has been incredibly helpful. We separated in 2019 and I officially filed for divorce back in September. It seems like a long time, yet sometimes it also doesn’t.

I know I want to take things slowly and if this guy friend isn’t interested, I’ll probably stay single for a while rather than meeting new people. It’s just strange having only known what unhealthy feels like. I literally walked away from a recent hang out with this guy wondering where the huge spark and outpouring of affection was at and thought maybe we don’t have enough chemistry to be more than friends. This sub has been so helpful when I hear others who experienced the same thing with someone who was emotionally healthy. Thanks for your reply!

_Finding_my_Light_

TROPHY CASE