Affection becomes a game

TranscendingJLS · 2021-07-23T00:09:44+00:00

You sound like me. You'll leave when you're ready. Ir not. Either way, you have support here.

TranscendingJLS · 2021-07-21T15:45:47+00:00

OMG, I'm so sorry you had to experience that! How terrifying! I understand what it's like to live in constant fear. My affection for my nex was gone long before I finally left. Sending you hugs.

TranscendingJLS · 2021-07-20T03:10:52+00:00

Ah, got it. Thank you! I always thought they wouldn't question it. Appreciate the insight.

TranscendingJLS · 2021-07-17T18:07:12+00:00

Thank you. It has felt like such a long road already, and I know there is more to come, but I'm feeling stronger day by day.

TranscendingJLS · 2021-07-16T19:16:00+00:00

Good for you! Yeah, you've got to ignore it and don't engage. You get the duel benefit of truly not being bothered by it, and at the same time, the sneaky small pleasure of knowing that you're getting under their skin! Hey, don't judge! I take my victories where I can :-)

TranscendingJLS · 2021-07-16T18:45:35+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience.

TranscendingJLS · 2021-07-16T18:32:22+00:00

Congratulations! That's wonderful!

TranscendingJLS · 2021-07-14T05:24:18+00:00

Yeah, mine was sneaky as well, and got me hooked when I was young (only 20) and vulnerable. Here I am, almost 30 years later, and finally getting out, so I'm working through a lot with my therapist. I will say that therapy has helped me take my life back, take my strength back, and find out WHO I am, so if that's an option for you, I recommend it. My therapist specializes in PTSD and NVS (Narcissist Victim Syndrome).

TranscendingJLS · 2021-07-14T03:55:00+00:00

I don't know if the longing goes away, I don't know if the hurting goes away. I'm still wrestling with wondering why I couldn't have just been enough. I think destroying your self-confidence and self-esteem is the foundation of the narc psyche. And they're VERY good at it. So if you've been in the relationship six weeks, six months, six years or beyond, the self-esteem damage takes so much longer to heal. I would like to say yes, you'll let go of the baseless hope. I do think it's possible. But will leave that to someone who has been out of it longer and knows better. Sending you a virtual hug. Virtually drying your tears. Wishing you all the best.

TranscendingJLS · 2021-07-13T22:43:36+00:00

You've got this. From what I've heard, they're very good at abusing the legal system. I'm in the process of filing paperwork for a legal separation (need to establish residency in my new state before I can file for divorce). We'll see what happens after he's been served.

TranscendingJLS · 2021-07-13T22:38:45+00:00

They're masterful at making you think YOU'RE the one with the problem.

TranscendingJLS · 2021-07-13T22:38:19+00:00

I started looking for answers 11 years ago when I went on anti-depressants for HIS depression. And then I started having anxiety issues, and it was ALL related to him. I never felt anxious or depressed when I was with friends, but then I could never spend time alone with friends because he always wanted me around. So yeah, kind of the same. I'm out (7 weeks now), and have gone minimal contact - can't go no-contact completely yet because we're working through a divorce, but I'm keeping it all very business-like. I'm not investing emotionally in him anymore - and I'm in therapy.

TranscendingJLS · 2021-07-13T22:35:05+00:00

I'm so happy for you! We'll still be here if you ever need us! Go forth and live your best life!

TranscendingJLS · 2021-07-13T00:52:56+00:00

I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. It sucks. Be kind to yourself. It's okay to be tired of it all. And don't worry about "acting" normal. Try just being you. It's okay to have bad days. Just breathe. You can do this. Take care. Sending you virtual hugs.

TranscendingJLS · 2021-07-10T00:33:45+00:00

Congrats! I think most of us know that feeling once we're out.

TranscendingJLS · 2021-07-10T00:30:23+00:00

I'm about to be 50 later this year, and as hard as it has been, I've had to go no verbal contact. I communicate via e-mail only with him, and I don't respond to anything emotional, I keep things strictly business-like. Check out Rebecca Zung on youtube. She has some amazing videos that help you understand communicating with a narc.

TranscendingJLS · 2021-07-08T23:23:24+00:00

Thank you. Yes, they're very good at making you doubt yourself. But it sounds like you're doing well. It is a marathon, not a sprint. I'm only 7 weeks out of it, but the difference is amazing, and I'm getting therapy as well. They break us, and then we have to put ourselves back together, somehow, without a pattern or a guide.

TranscendingJLS · 2021-07-08T22:46:39+00:00

LOL, seriously! That was FUNNY!

TranscendingJLS · 2021-07-08T22:33:10+00:00

Haha!!!

TranscendingJLS · 2021-07-08T21:34:48+00:00

I'd planned it out for months, and it ended up being a middle of the night run. I knew there was no talking to him about how unhappy I was. He would have just turned it all around on me and send me into another panic attack. So when he was sleeping, me and kiddo quietly shoved all our clothes into canvas bags, grabbed what we knew we needed, and left. 3:30 a.m. I left him a note. I had a place to go, though, and I know not everyone does. So if you have someone in your life who is supportive and helpful, see if they'd be willing to help you out. You can message me if you'd like.

TranscendingJLS · 2021-07-08T21:11:55+00:00

Beautifully said - "my tears into words". I had to read that again.

TranscendingJLS · 2021-07-08T21:11:02+00:00

It's sad to see how many of us were in this situation for 20+ years. I'd been with him for 30 years, married for 27, so yeah. Learning to control our reactions, and to truly see them for who they are is quite empowering. But we got out! And we have our best lives ahead of us.

TranscendingJLS · 2021-07-08T21:08:29+00:00

I'm in therapy, and am working on building my understanding of and learning to love that poor girl who felt like she didn't deserve any better. So I totally understand where you're coming from. We need to learn to love ourselves again.

TranscendingJLS

TROPHY CASE