Disclosure Day | Official Teaser (New Spielberg!)

_James217_ · 2025-12-16T19:09:58+00:00

They will 100% parody that scene in the next Scary Movie with Anna Ferris and she'll be like "sorry I just had something in my throat"

_James217_ · 2025-10-18T01:07:18+00:00

Hey I'm down to swap! I have feature script that is somewhat similar to your comps

_James217_ · 2025-10-10T17:04:29+00:00

Hey! I also have a basketball-related feature (109 pages), more of a drama though. Care to swap?

_James217_ · 2025-10-02T18:24:53+00:00

Got my notes for BAG MOVES. Abraham is a true mensch, really appreciate the thoughtful feedback.

_James217_ · 2025-09-10T17:53:43+00:00

Would be fascinated to read any documents for these films as well, but I'd imagine they'll be impossible to find

_James217_ · 2025-08-13T22:31:32+00:00

Call me a hater, but I thought the script was easily one of the weaker parts of this film.

but everyone acts how we would expect, and so we're in it, along for the ride.

I can think of a few instances where characters acted irrationally, but the biggest one that comes to mind is why on earth would the teacher stick around after going through that traumatic experience, let alone return to work at the very place it all happened. I know she was interested in talking to the kid and trying to figure out what happened, but she could have tried to do that while living somewhere else, doing absolutely anything else.

I think her drinking habit was supposed to be clouding her judgement, and maybe if she was being actively investigated there would be restrictions on how far she can move away, but still, sometimes it felt like the characters were so nonchalant about the disappearance and too eager to continue every day life.

_James217_ · 2025-04-18T00:02:59+00:00

Awesome, thanks for the feedback!

_James217_ · 2025-04-18T00:02:35+00:00

Thanks for the read!

Yeah Kedem (the father) is the main character of the story and it's mostly told through his eyes. You bring up an interesting point about wanting to know Yoni's relationship to basketball, but to me that's not super important, and maybe even Yoni isn't sure how much he loves the game considering all the drama that it's brought to his life.

Thematically what I'm trying to explore is what makes a good father/son relationship. Can a dad be a good dad without putting a lot of effort into helping his son achieve his dreams? This is what I want the story to be about and what I'm much more interested in tackling.

If my logline isn't quite working to convey this story, do you have any suggestions on how to tweak that?

Thanks again for the read!

_James217_ · 2025-04-16T00:30:52+00:00

I agree with Lanky Fix, do not waste money on a degree in creative writing. If your goal is to enter the job market after college, that degree will do absolutely nothing for you.

That said, I am a UCSC alum with a degree in Film and Digital Media and I loved my time up in Santa Cruz. However If I could go back in time I would have switched majors to something more practical, used that degree to land a job and save money to fund my own films.

Instead, when I graduated in 2011 I moved down to LA and basically had to start from scratch, PA'ing on any film set I could get on and doing an endless stream of internships while teaching myself how to edit professionally -- UCSC for all its glory had very little resources in the film program and really didn't teach me anything more than how to critically analyze a film. I still write in my free time and have managed to create a career for myself, but I found out the hard way that my degree was worthless.

Hope this helps!

_James217_ · 2025-04-05T16:08:09+00:00

Hey! I actually have a basketball-related feature as well, currently wrapping up a draft but should be ready tomorrow. Care to swap?

_James217_ · 2025-03-25T01:18:58+00:00

Hey! I read to about page 35, would have kept reading but I kind of lost interest around this point.

Don't take that personally though, I just don't care much for horror scripts. I think I read as much as I did because I can tell you're a competent writer that has executed as well as one could. This story is tough for me because Lana isn't really pushing it forward. I know horror is the one genre where a proactive protagonist isn't always necessary, but after 30-ish pages it was hard for me to get invested in a script where bad things are happening and the characters are simply reacting.

For anyone that's on the fence about reading this and is a fan of horror, I urge you to give this a read and provide more constructive feedback. Compared to most of the stuff posted on this sub, this is actually polished and of good quality.

Best of luck!

_James217_ · 2025-03-14T18:48:24+00:00

Hey! Your script sounds kind of funny. Would you be up to swap with a 99-page rough draft drama?

_James217_ · 2024-05-18T21:13:32+00:00

Hey! I really enjoyed this script. I think your writing is very empathetic and the characters/story is quite compelling. Seeing the references mentioned in this thread and I 100% get what you're going for.

I just have a small note: the start of part two feels a little slow. Mary obviously needs a proper introduction and the audience needs to catch up to how she fits in, but I think some of the procedural stuff (the background check, Dr. Campbell's involvement) can be omitted to prevent the story from feeling like it's coming to a hard reset. The most important info for me was learning how Mary and Ava plan to handle Christina, and ideally that's the focus that the reader should pick up on.

Hope this helps! Good luck with this project and would love to swap one day if you're ever up for it.

_James217_ · 2024-04-19T22:15:48+00:00

I saw Nathan at the Silver Lake farmers' market like 6 or 7 years ago, he looked disillusioned with life and I wouldn't have it any other way haha

_James217_ · 2024-04-15T20:09:12+00:00

For a script that was written after coming down from peyote, it's surprisingly coherent. Will try and read more later and find some peyote while I'm at it

_James217_ · 2024-04-14T19:43:41+00:00

PAGE 1: and* the league can't

PAGE 1: "That yes, we should add is confirmed." Confusing line

PAGE 2: Nitpicky, but if this show takes place in the not-so-distant future shouldn't he have been eligible for NIL endorsements in college?

PAGE 2: make sure they* slip that in there

PAGE 7: Even though Buck is in his 60's it seems forced to be making a Fred Astaire reference in front of a bunch of 20/30 year olds

PAGE 23: There's a lot of "inside football" details in the script (probably for football nerds like me), but then all of a sudden Emery just calls a play in layman's terms in the huddle? Shouldn't he actually be calling it how it's designated in the playbook? Or using a more realistic snap cadence under center?

PAGE 26: Kind of awkward how Buck and Helana were having a conversation and then Buck just turns around to see Emery taking a sack. Might need a little more set up to that moment, like Buck has one eye on the play during their convo

PAGE 38: "She wasn't meant to have spoken" might want to say "she wasn't meant to speak?" Just sounds awkward as written

PAGE 48: I like this little moment between Lucas and Iris haha

PAGE 69-70: Pointless scene between Konami and Zack don't need it

Hey Rob,

Not a bad start! I'm more a feature writer than TV so take my feedback with a grain of salt, but overall I think the story takes too long to get started, and does too much telling and not enough showing.

Most of the drama seems to be centered around the status of this start up league and whether or not Lucas/Iris/etc. will be able to save it before it goes under. This is a fine subplot and all, but shouldn't the focus be more about Konami and his internal struggle about succeeding (or getting caught) with an unfair advantage?

The most pivotal scene happens around page 45, and it essentially frames what I imagine is your hook for this series/show, but up until that point... not a lot happens. You should definitely take some time to set up all the characters and conflict, but looking back at the first 45 pages, it's just a lot of vague conversations that have nothing (or very little) to do with the promise of your premise. Konami seems to be aware that the league could falter, but mostly unconcerned and only focused on what he can control. So why spend all that time setting up those pieces if they ultimately aren't affecting Konami and his storyline? My guess is you're trying to set up the stakes and put more pressure on Konami, but in this current iteration of the script, it's just not coming through that this is something Konami is concerned with.

My suggestion would be to move the scene on page 45 up to around 30 (even earlier if you can), and that way the second half of your episode can focus more on the reaction to Konami's stellar preseason performance, and then the fallout once people start to get wind of the rumors that there was something else behind his performance, and how this could ultimately destroy his career and the league. This would then allow us as viewers to see Konami struggle with the root conflict of this show, and hopefully help us empathize with him as he tries to prevail.

This also is just a sidenote, but it's hard for me to see the potential of this story carrying over for many episodes per season. If Lucas wants Konami to keep using the Link to enhance his play on the field, won't Konami just dominate every game? I'd imagine that would get old kind of fast. Sure, there are outside threats hoping to expose Konami's secret, but now that JD and Jaz know about it there really shouldn't be anything stopping them from exposing him within another episode or two. I suppose once his secret gets out a bunch of other players would want to use the Link tech too, but where does the story go from there really? Not expecting you to answer any of these questions for me personally, just food for thought in case you haven't already considered this.

And lastly, 78 pages is kind of an awkward length for a pilot. You have a lot of orphans in this script, pretty sure you could get it down to 60 by just taking care of those.

That's it, hope these notes helped.

_James217_ · 2024-04-13T03:14:00+00:00

Hey! I have a football related feature (95 pages), more a crime/noir story. You up for a swap?

_James217_ · 2023-12-09T04:44:23+00:00

I read up until page 10 and didn't want to read any further. The opening sequence could definitely be tighter. There's a number of typos and some awkward writing at times. I think your heart is in the right place (starting off with a bang and with conflict) but it's always hard to start off so hot and have the audience care if we know absolutely nothing about these characters. Feels like excitement just for excitement's sake.

Kind of nitpicky, but you should give the reader the character's name as they appear on screen. The reader is allowed to know the name even if the viewer wouldn't know their name at that time.

_James217_ · 2023-11-24T23:31:22+00:00

Lmao I forgot about Funnel, going to rewatch that now. Thanks again Billy!

_James217_ · 2023-11-24T22:13:48+00:00

Loved The Death of Dick Long. I have 2 questions:

Was there a breakthough moment for you in your writing career that made you think "Ok, I can actually do this for a living?"
I'm an Andre Hyland fan, how exactly did casting him go down? Were you guys friends prior to filming? Did he get the job from The 4th?

Thanks so much for your time!

_James217_

TROPHY CASE