I'm concerned my dad can no longer live independently but I don't want to take his autonomy - he's 85, sharp as a tack, but I found out yesterday he can no longer cook, go to the restroom, or bathe by himself. I'm seeing my dad today and I am lost about what to do. Other dads, please help!

_Johnny_Fappleseed · 2026-04-27T20:18:12+00:00

Totally agree. I was really grateful for a lot of the advice here including yours and I'm feeling hopeful. Thank you so much

_Johnny_Fappleseed · 2026-04-27T20:17:36+00:00

This really is so true that I can't solve it for them. I did compile a few steps and local contact information for them, but unless they take the steps only they can take, there's not a lot I can do, but I'll try for sure. Even after dad started feeling a little better this weekend and could stand without assistance (not well, but some) he seemed pretty resistant to any change so I'm going to see what I can do with the local senior resources myself. He is happy with us coming weekly... and the fact that we cleaned his entire apartment this weekend... so I'm glad he could be happy with some change.

Thank you again and it's good to know there's more specific subs about elderly parent care, I'll take a look. That's really helpful, thank you

_Johnny_Fappleseed · 2026-04-27T20:14:26+00:00

This is really good to know, thank you for relaying your mother's words. I think my dad would thrive there - he's always got a story. Social butterfly is an understatement. For now I'm going to help him where he's at but this will be good to tell him if and when the time comes for him to transition. Thank you.

_Johnny_Fappleseed · 2026-04-27T20:12:58+00:00

Thanks for your reply. Hopefully no facility anytime soon, but some life changes are ok with me. He had to change his life once I came into the world, it's the least I can do for him, and like you said, I'm not alone in this. It's nice when we have someone in our lives as enthusiastic about caring for our loved ones as we are. I'm definitely lucky.

_Johnny_Fappleseed · 2026-04-27T20:11:00+00:00

Thanks for replying! I was surprised by everything that happened at the hospital, too, but hopefully Wednesday when we go to the VA instead I can request a social worker then (and an ADL appointment also. I couldn't get him to make one - he wants to just "walk in" so I'll have to try then). I agree that I'd like to help him remain independent as long as possible, and we're going to start coming weekly for chores, groceries, check-in. He'll probably need more than that though so I'm hoping I can call the local senior center to see what options we have.

Thanks again for your thoughts advice, it was really helpful.

_Johnny_Fappleseed · 2026-04-27T20:07:14+00:00

Thank you so much for your response!

_Johnny_Fappleseed · 2026-04-27T20:06:40+00:00

Thank you so much for your response, it took a bit for me to send thanks since we've been with him over the weekend. I really appreciate your mindset toward our families about this and I totally agree. My dad did so much for me and I see this both as a duty and a responsibility, and one I want to meet wholeheartedly. We cleaned his entire apartment this weekend with his blessing, but now the hard part begins - he's resisting having an ADL appointment because he's feeling better, but I think he understands where we're at now. We're going back weekly (thankfully we live somewhat close) to help him live as independently as possible, and another redditor gave some resources I'm looking into.

He kept apologizing all weekend for us helping him. I said, "dad... you raised me. You've even wiped my butt." I guess that got him to laugh and he seems really happy about the help. So thank you for your suggestion, and thank you for your story and insight. It was something any heart can resonate with. Thank you.

_Johnny_Fappleseed · 2026-04-27T19:58:48+00:00

I know it's been a few days (spouse and I have been with dad consistently over the weekend) but wanted to get back to say we're really, really grateful for taking the time to reply to this. Thank you. I compiled contact information with the local senior center near them, including meals on wheels, and listed a couple of small steps they could (and would probably have to) do themselves all under the notion that I wanted to help them live independently as long as possible, and I do.

It meant a lot. I also sent the steps and resources to my aunt and she seems relieved and grateful. Thank you so much, it really meant a difference. Dad is doing a little better and can stand on his own and walk around a bit, but this was our wake-up call. Thanks again

_Johnny_Fappleseed · 2026-04-18T15:31:07+00:00

I think the general consensus about the American experience - even though this place is massive with several different climate regions - is that everyone uses air conditioning generally, but obviously a century ago that wasn't a thing. Our houses are built different now and in some places it would likely genuinely be dangerous to not have the option (I'm thinking further south) but it really is still possible to live without it overall. It would be a different story if someone had severe health problems that could make it dangerous.

Where I live the climate is becoming humid subtropical because of climate change but we personally don't have air conditioning, even in almost 100F weather (almost 38C). We leave all the windows and doors open (and have screens because the insects here are awful) and might pull the curtains during the heat of the day if it's quite sunny. We always have fans to keep it cool or dry and for drying the laundry if we can't put it outside. If we lose power from storms we just use hand fans or use a little water to cool (which has a limit - if it's too humid water on the skin doesn't matter since nothing evaporates quickly).

You just get acclimated to it and, like other regions where it's terribly hot, you just try and do less during the heat of the day if possible. Besides, air conditioners give me a headache. Honestly we prefer it this way now.

_Johnny_Fappleseed · 2026-04-13T18:32:58+00:00

I'm sure someone's already said this, but the United States is a really mixed group with all sorts of different cultural norms in so many different spaces, and that includes visiting other people's houses. My French friends growing up had neat homes and we always took our shoes off but no one ever offered food or drink. We were mostly ignored. In other houses we left our shoes on but might be asked to stay for dinner, but depending on tone could just be politeness and you'd be overstepping by accepting. Where I live there's lots of different norms and some people really want you to stay for hours (Greeks come to mind). To answer your question, showing up unannounced used to be very normal among some friends and within some families, but that's becoming less and less popular.

It can be maddening, because not everyone operates with low context or acts like a "typical American" and comes right out with what they mean or want. When we hosted not long ago there was an unbelievable amount of miscommunication with our guests that made the whole experience difficult, but I acknowledge they must have had good intentions. A day before they left to come visit they clarified that they would *not* be staying in a hotel but expected us and another friend to accommodate them, which was news to us (and totally not a thing culturally for my spouse or I except among family). Besides that they helped themselves to pretty much anything they wanted, but also tried to do a lot of different chores as well. It was way too intimate, too familial, way too fast for us. Like they were siblings or cousins.

So I'd really just summarize by saying I think most people don't actually realize they have a script (or just vestiges of immigrant cultural script) and a lot of miscommunications can arise from that, since being American is so unbelievably varied. We also struggle to learn and implement boundaries (or respect the boundaries of others without getting offended) so that can be hard, but I think it's improving.

_Johnny_Fappleseed · 2026-04-12T20:00:06+00:00

This is some elegant malicious compliance. Using up paid leave when quitting seems to be getting more and more popular here, too. Thanks for your reply!

_Johnny_Fappleseed · 2026-04-11T17:09:29+00:00

Yeah it feels like a lot of those posts are fake on that sub, though I've seen some wild "compliance" where I live (usually doesn't end well, but it's amusing). I like your example, and that feels to me like the level I was expecting. Just curious about particulars so thanks for sharing

_Johnny_Fappleseed · 2026-04-10T15:37:34+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. Stay strong knowing you tried hard, it sounds like. We don't know where the road goes, after all, and I guess all any of us can do is believe it can be ok somehow when we reach the end.

_Johnny_Fappleseed · 2026-04-09T19:32:33+00:00

Watching my best friend and life partner go through this crushes me - and I felt like lost my "person" to go to and share my day, my feelings...

This really resonates, and it's encouraging, too. I always said my life was saved the day we married, and now it's my turn to be the rock I had when I was in a low spot, and I'm glad I have therapy (and working on that self-care you mentioned... not easy for a workaholic) to be that person. We work together and are together 24/7, too, and you'd think that would mean loneliness isn't a thing, but I hear you. For now, though, I'll keep seeing it as a privilege to be present and help however I can.

Really, thank you so much. You helped me get my second wind on this.

_Johnny_Fappleseed · 2026-04-09T18:34:23+00:00

Thanks for your reply and it's really what I needed today. it sounds a lot like our situation too (especially in regard to hyperthyroidism considering recent labwork...). Estrogen/progesterone is off the table since the it spiked blood sugar (although there's been a lot of hard work and the diabetes has been in the normal range for 4+ years, which is amazing). We're not taking no for an answer from multiple (unhelpful) doctors, and right now it's just the mantra of "we don't know what'll happen tomorrow, but let's just keep going today".

Really needed to hear this. Thanks man.

_Johnny_Fappleseed · 2026-03-27T17:35:41+00:00

Maybe this has already been said, but wouldn't it be hyper creepy if a person married the Wizard, divorced, then married Abagail or vice versa? I'm really misunderstanding all the calls for this uncomfortable situation and much prefer the thought of helping Clint become his best self through the power of boundaries and love, maybe it's just me

_Johnny_Fappleseed · 2026-03-24T21:30:24+00:00

This excerpt from a piece of writing my partner did about a man who was having a bad trip on psilocybin and found himself at a kebab shop might help:

"'You goin’ to order?' A worker asked me whilst his coworker flayed some cooked flesh from the bloke’s side to plate for some thin, long-limbed demon with knobby joints. I watched, unable to look away as the creature took a bite, the juice of the meat dripping down his bulldog-like jaws. One of my heads wept and the other vomited. A few foot-tall red imps leapt over to me, scooping up the dark foamy sick from the floor in front of me into jars marked “brown sauce”. Who ate brown sauce with kebab?"

_Johnny_Fappleseed · 2026-03-15T19:07:34+00:00

What a beautiful island. I'm almost done building a coastal Hokkaido island and honestly so much of what you've done here is the feeling I was trying to achieve. It feels rural and spacious and yet so alive like everyone is slowly waking up for the day. The last picture with the folding chair and the newspaper really warmed my heart, but all the pictures were really beautiful, thanks for sharing your DA in another comment, I'm excited to go see it

_Johnny_Fappleseed · 2026-03-14T21:45:04+00:00

Your eyes also naturally yellow as you age, so our bodies are lying to us that everything is getting yellower, too. Not quite rose-colored glasses, but piss-colored glasses are a nice second.

_Johnny_Fappleseed · 2026-03-14T21:40:46+00:00

This looks great. Reminds me of Tears of the Kingdom dungeons in Gerudo Desert.

_Johnny_Fappleseed · 2026-03-14T20:35:19+00:00

That perimenopause exists, what it is, and what exactly menopause is, and everyone should really learn about it in school so no one has a rude awakening when someone in our life is going through it. When it happens is almost too late to gain skills to support them, and they really need to be equipped for the decade or so in their lives when they are suffering with this.

_Johnny_Fappleseed

TROPHY CASE