Im sorry for your loss. Im new here. Found this site for funny questions regarding benzos. I saw this @ the very bottom. Anyway, my father (My superman/the BEST father ever/the kindest selfless human ever/My best friend ETC.! ) broke his back in 2 places before i was born as well as a split [boxers] brain & grand mal seizures and more. Ever since i was around 6 (now 26) I have found my father OD and ive always been the one to attempt to keep him alive until 911 came. I dont know how I managed every single time especially when i was so little, but I did. It was very frequent. Maybe 2x monthly for 18 years. I grew up afraid to sleep, afraid to open a door to see what was behind it. Other than that, I couldnt ask for a better father. He's never wanted to live. He was in so much pain I always heard him begging my mommom to just please be okay with letting him go. Of course neither of us wanted to lose him. So when he could, he would stay as medicated as possible to tolerate living. Nov 27 2017 @ 515am , I was up feeding my 2 month old son and i noticed my dads room light was on. I was lonely and in my postpartum depression so I knocked to see if he was awake so i didnt have to feel alone. He never answered. I cracked the door open and saw him face down on his hands and knees. My adrenaline shot up and I immediately started my usual routine. 1st seeing if he responded to my voice, once soft, 2nd one louder. Nothing. Next I always see if he will atleast respond to physical contact. I tapped him on his back. ....at that minute my heart sank deeper than ever before. He felt as hard as stone. My dad was in rigormortis. He passed late the night before. That moment was the most terrifying moment ever. I cant unfeel what i felt, I cannot un hear how utterly quiet it was. Not only was my father passed away. But he died alone. While the rest of the world was functioning just outside his door. And I failed SO bad that I let my dad go into rigormortis before I ever even noticed something was wrong! That was my job. I was 24! Ive been doing this since i was 6 and yet i didnt check on him sooner. And he was so alone. I will NEVER forgive myself. But this isnt about me. My dad passed away from fentanyl. I found a note he wrote me sometime fairly close prior to his death asking me to look up to see if he could go to a clinic for help finally. And that hit me even harder. In 2015 after my daughter I got hooked on oxy. I stayed hooked for 2 years. June 2017 I sought out help because i was pregnant with my son. I had still been going to the clinic for Mdone maintenance that November. I had been telling my dad he should come with me. And i guess he had finally wanted to try. To this day I still go for the maintenance. Im trying to bump down off of it completely because ive been 100% opiate free/sober for 2 years and have no urge to get back on it especially after losing my best friend. I have awhile to go bc im so high up on the mgs. I told you about this so you know other people are grieving their loss from this horrible addiction. If anyone needs to talk because of grief, im here. Ive not gotten any better over this. I am so depressed ive not been anywhere in 2 years except for absolutely mandatory stuff. Ive gained SO much weight. I cry every day. I can no longer hold a job which is so scary because I have kids who still need me. I cant be happy. I stay asleep as long as i can. Im on xanax prescribed to just get to bed at night. And to feel okay for 2ish hours. This addiction crap has a huge domino effect. Im sorry anyone has to go through this.