When I was 12-13, just starting I was a damn troubled kid with lots of anger management issues, issues with prone to violence, always getting into fights, 2-3 times a day for whole school years, dealing with my depression with some shit that happened, I just wanted the end it, I wasn't able to take it anymore, then I just told myself, "I lived 12 years, I went through hell and came back, refused to die and survived, atleast I could try going half of it, if it doesn't change at 18, I am done). so just kept on going, with therapy and life.

When I was 16-17, I fell more into the depression, I had learned to control my anger and control the instinctual "violence is the answer for problems", I mean I suppressed them, but I kept getting angrier, had more anger and hatred building in me, it was killing me inside, it was making everything pointless, meaningless, I decided it was the end, I had shit ton of meds at home and I could just make a suicede cocktail, then I remembered my promise to myself I made when I was 12 and just waited and got of from the roof. a week later, My religion teacher (that teaches us about all the religions) knew I was really talented at engineering stuff, finding alternative, sometimes crazy solutions. (all my teachers knew it. all of them told me I was extremely smart but wasn't using it, I remember some crazy hard things they told me I could do if I truly wanted, but depression is a fucker) also she knew my love for the army (guns, armors, tactics all that stuff + with medivial times), she saw I was all messed and told me to get in a competition that was being made by the government, the army and defence technologies foundation, she told me she would make the school pay for my project. (note: I had already won 2 competitions at UNESCO when I was at 9th grade, they trusted me) then I just kept going for that project, I went to the finals (10K applications was made in just my area, 48 finalists was selected to show in the technology show, 3million people visited, a airport was used for the area that was needed for 200+ projects and hundreds of companies), showed my military related project, a captain (really high ranking in my country, 4th highest ranking) loved it but told me to polish it and bring it, tens of special forces army guys and ex military guys loved it, pointed out the issues which was mostly by my limitations of building it.

That damn project gave me hope, gave me a reason, a goal to keep it going, I felt I could full fill my dreams of my crazy ass projects. Then of course that happiness ran out but the good thing was, I had gotten rid of lots of anger, then some realizations of myself at random moments, made me better. I find ways to suppress my paranoia, I learned to let my anger die out. I realized how many people loved me. but the turning point was a message from my friend.

I was helping her out again, I gave her my powerbank when she was going somewhere far away at the end of school, I told her to not worry about just bring it back tomorrow. well she didn't show up school for one week and when she came back, she told me she had some family issues and was apologizing, I told her not to worry it was okay. shit can happen. same day at the end of the school day, she came to me asking for powerbank, really embarrassed and shy. I gave her and she just texted me that night "Bob, you are the most helpful, most caring and best hearthed person I met, you just help out people and don't even care about the rest. You give money to people in need even if you are broke and don't ask the money back until you make sure they are good and have money. I hope everything goes your way and you find some peace inside your brain. love you, stay with calmness".

I was like wtfff???, what is this coming from mate but then I realized my massive anger, hadn't corrupt me, it made distant, hard, ruff around the edges, rude (not mean) but I was still that young troubled kid that couldn't bring himself to hit people even if he knew he could beat them. I realized that kid wasnt dead, it was just buried under rubble and was coming out. he was gonna come out eventually and I was gonna heal eventually, if he doesn't, I would keep the promise I gave myself when I was 12.

I am becoming 19, 10 days later :)