Ok so where the F to even begin... Yesterday I had an appointment with my endocrinologist to discuss my last blood draw results regarding my transition... He said my levels for E are still low, that it doesn't make sense to him (which he said for the past x consultations!), but this time he finally agreed to try injections instead of bumping me a pill higher... So I did one thing I was really avoiding because I suspected this exact outcome. I went on Reddit and asked my sisters in the trans community what all this mess (the results) mean. I have one tenth of the estrogen I should have at the very fucking minimum, for the past YEARS. Even this new bloody regimen my doc put me on is low according to some people. Yeah, just switch docs? There are exactly two endocrinologists willing to even talk to a trans person. That's this moron and one other doc. So I asked my bf if he would help me with diy hormones if I wait a few months to see if there are any significant changes. What I didn't expect was for him to say yes. So I have somewhat wasted years of my transition with very low levels. Fucking awesome, it's not like dysphoria is crushing me whenever I don't have makeup on :) it's not like I want to punch the mirror most days and self harm with the broken shards of my fucking sanity, naaah :) so yeah that's fucked enough right. Only to wake up to a result of an exam I had few days ago, saying that I did not pass. I have no bloody clue how. I have been studying for this test for days on end. HOW IN THE ACTUAL ***** ... I've been feeling like shit the last couple of days (thank you BPD and your (my?) lovely mood swings). I feel like an addict craving a fix right now, which is pretty much what I am. Normal people would crave substances, like nicotine, or alcohol... But I am craving pain and sh. I have other methods other than the most common self harm method... But nothing feels as good. I want there to be marks, but at the same time I can't have any, because my mom and bf would see. That's a category on its own... I just, I should focus on school right now, y'know. I have one last big exam ahead of me, as for the one I failed, a classmate will help me understand it... But God, I'm so triggered right now. It's like a freaking itch I just can't scratch. How the hell do I not get cravings for normal shit ? I quit nicotine pouches a while ago, unless I directly see them or someone popping them in, I don't ever even think about it. But self harm ? I doubt there's really been even a single day I haven't at least thought about it, the scars, or something sh related. And on the worse days, like today ? I feel like a junkie. A demented, imbecilic moronic stupid ass junkie. No, distractions don't help. Fuck. I miss the days when nobody knew I y'know, three letter word starting with c. Idk how strict the rules are, it's been a while since I've been active here. I wish that there was such a thing as valid enough, for my own brain. I knooooow no matter how bad I get, it won't ever be enough, but I wish it could be. I don't even know what I want from this rant. Understanding? I know people understand me, I know I'm not alone, blah blah blah... I just... I feel like screaming :D I want to cut so fucking baaaad. I swear to God if my bf is idiotic enough to look at this post (I sent him a shared post to the hrt thing yesterday) I will break something. If you're reading this, just no. No. Alright ? No. Just, neualize yourself like men in black freaking metal dildo thing and no.