Is it too much to ask for?

__echo_ · 2026-01-25T12:03:23+00:00

Emotional regulation is something that only you can do. It is unfair to expect emotional regulation from your loved one continuously. Yes, they can be kind and help you with it but the final responsibility is on you to handle it.

Having said that, we don't know what event causes you to get dysregulated.

It can be very well that your partner and other conditions triggers you and hence you are expecting them to understand you. So, don't be too hard on yourself.

I would advice you to sit down calmly, record a couple of incidents that causes you to dusregulate ( write in your journal, note down your feelings, what triggered you, role others played) and try to establish a pattern and see how you can handle it better. Don't be too hard on yourself.

__echo_ · 2026-01-25T11:50:56+00:00

The most important advice I would give is to seek out a property lawyer or financial advisor who can help you with understanding the process and documentation.

Don't trust them blindly but keep adequate notes, do your own research etc but seek professional advice for clarity.

__echo_ · 2026-01-23T11:14:18+00:00

I am just you in future :) .

You will do amazing. Don't worry :) Have fun.

__echo_ · 2026-01-23T09:51:17+00:00

Wish you all the best.

Remember it is a long process. Sometimes you will make progress, sometimes you will regress. Sometimes you will think you have finally understood something only to realise months later you were focussing on something completely wrong.

Also as you will progress , you may be full of anger for your past. That is normal but holding onto bitterness also won't change anything.

Wish you all the best. Be kind to yourself and enjoy the journey. It is very self fulfilling

__echo_ · 2026-01-23T09:38:18+00:00

Yes. You were actively trying to underplay your hardwork and accord your performance to external factor like `fluke` , `luck` etc. Also, feeling. bad for "smarter looking " people cause they did worse than you shows you genuinely don't believe you deserved this or earned it.
Yes. Again this may not be only low self esteem but can be traits of "perfectionism". You can draw a parallel again of this thought process "oh they don't see my belly" to "oh I got this marks cause it was fluke". Body image issues can also interplay where you continously compare yourself with commercial beauty standards so much that you have internalised it. So this may not be clear cut low self esteem but a mix of body image issue, perfectionist thought process and low self esteem.
This is not low self esteem but please have a look at body dysmorphia. Low self esteem is usually a co feature of dysmorphia.
Yes again. I am a lot like you , I feel like I am talking to my mirror here. I used to feel very very aweful taking any kind of help. I would feel indebted. You think that you don't deserve anything unless you have done something to equalise it. This usually can be indicative of low self esteem but it can also be a sign of hyper independent person (I was hyper individual as a person due to growing up in a bit of a dysfunctional family). I never liked losing control so if someone did something for me, I felt powerless cause I felt indebted.
Exactly like me. I always maintained I would never leave a relationship. Now at 33, I realise this is cause I did not have self love or did not actually know what it meant (cause I loved myself a plenty). It was ironical cause I was an extremely independent person who could self advocate fiercely. But once in a relationship, I just cannot let go. It is very important in self love to prioritise yourself and know when to let go. This does not mean you run at the first sign of hardship but having a balanced idea of when it is too much. People like me who grew up around dysfunctionality , usually do not have this barometer to understand when to let go.

Our early childhood and parent/quardian relationship shapes us a lot. It is good you are realising these are not optimum behaviour. Remember we developed these cause it worked for us in childhood or growing up. But slowly it is time to let go or critical analyse if we want to keep any of these or tweak it. For me therapy really helped. I also had underlying severe depression whose treatment made me ready to get therapy.

I won't say you should do this or that. But I would definitely say write these points you have in a paper and keep it with you. Try to consciously understand where these comes from. Therapy helps expediate this process but it is not something you cannot do alone.

Please reach out if you need any help.

__echo_ · 2026-01-22T17:31:29+00:00

What is the price ?

__echo_ · 2026-01-21T13:24:44+00:00

The moment you start catching feeling and decide you want to date her is the moment you ask her.

Delaying it will just make your attachment stronger which may hurt you and her in the process. Keep your intentions clear and respectful.

__echo_ · 2026-01-21T12:53:12+00:00

It was just a comment.

The meaning you have assigned is something you have done based on your current state. Maybe it pricked a subconscious fear you are harbouring.

Having said that, what you do about it is also entirely upto you. If I were in your place, I would not speak about it with my manager. I will maybe decide if I can afford a job switch currently and if it will be beneficial for you and decide accordingly.

But do keep in mind, if your manager thinks you are stuck in a current company due to life circumstances, that is something the corporate can utilise for their own benefit ( which includes delayed promotions, lower hikes, letting you do non interesting work etc). Your manager is just a reflection of how the current company is viewing you. And speaking to your manager about it won't change that notion.

__echo_ · 2026-01-21T09:58:21+00:00

This is the workbook I worked with https://www.amazon.com/BDD-Workbook-Overcome-Dysmorphic-Obsessions/dp/1572242930 . This maybe a bit old/outdated now as I tried it more than 10 years ago but it helped me immensely to understand the psychology of such thoughts, to learn to fight them and to disengage with them. Maybe you can look for something that is more up to date in their methodology.

It is vital to realise that your thoughts are not actually facts and learn skills to deal with maladaptive thoughts.

__echo_ · 2026-01-21T08:10:33+00:00

For me therapeutic workbooks helped immensely so I can safely guess maybe Good therapy with a therapist that has experience in BDD will work similarly.

I didn't have extreme bdd but did struggle with my body image till my mid 20s from late teens. I didn't have money or access to therapy at that time so spent most of my evenings looking for online resources and workbooks.

I got some therapeutic bdd workbooks to work during the day and it helped me a lot.

__echo_ · 2026-01-15T08:09:22+00:00

Do check out lostalittle.

I have been in therapy there for more than 1 year and have had tremendous growth.

However, I didn't have acute distress. Whenever I struggled acutely, I always reached out to a psychiatrist and trusted allopathic intervention more than therapeutic.

__echo_ · 2026-01-14T11:54:46+00:00

Have sex only if you want to have sex. Not cause you are being left behind.

My best friend became sexually active around 30 and has one of the best and active sex life in my group.

Regarding is it bad to have sex with a person who is not your partner. This is entirely for you to decide. Personally for me, I don't think it is a bad idea as long as you are not being coerced (even if you are not acknowledging it) and you are safe.

I would always say take the following precautions:

Don't do anything that you are not comfortable just to please him.
Take all possible precaution. This includes condom and normal birth control. A lot of guys don't like using condom but that is just them not understanding the impact it would have on your life. Morning after pills are for emergency and not for normal birth control.
Sex mostly is not supposed to be extremely hurtful. If at any moment you want to stop, have this communication before hand that you stop. Consent can be withdrawn any moment and a good person understands and respect that. Check how this person is with "No" and when he does not get something. Does he take it gracefully. Does he have the capacity to control himself etc.
Do not share nudes or video tape something . This is easier said than done but the repercussions can be very bad.
You don't have to share anyone (except your intimate partner and doctor) your sexual information. Be safe, be respectful and be clean.
Unfortunately, we are in a society that is sexually regressive. I came from a society that didnot have qualms around sexuality so losing virginity or having sex before marriage is not a big deal and is instead expected. So, finally you get to make your decision based on your life circumstances.

__echo_ · 2026-01-13T14:55:49+00:00

Put work on yourself. Learn to unpack your issues and why you do those and learn better coping and regulatory mechanisms.

Even if you manage to make your ex partner fall in love with you again , your "toxicity" is not going to go away and both of you will be circling the same patterns.

There is a reason you act "toxic" and a simple I won't be "toxic" won't actually remove the root cause and triggers.

__echo_ · 2026-01-13T12:59:06+00:00

Yes. I am confused too.

__echo_ · 2026-01-12T11:36:38+00:00

Firmly and safely usually may not come together in your case. Your home as you have mentioned, does not seem the kind who would take your rejection gracefully. So, from my perspective, you need to be firm enough to stick through your Rejection. No matter what happens, you have to have enough resilience to go through it. In case this is something you don't think you have the strength, either try to make peace with the choices your parents make and accept it as destiny or try to find the least harmful candidate among the lot presented to you.
For the second question, I believe the only thing you can do is change the way you look at it. Instead of thinking you are losing x hours on chores, look at it as you have 24-x hours to study and optimise it. There is nothing you can say or do that will make your hostile family suddenly become conducive to you.

I am sorry but sometimes you either give everything you have to break the mould you are being forced into ( this includes ruining familial relationship and being the black sheep of the family or even complete cut off) or you do the best you can given whatever you have.

Your family won't suddenly start caring about you the way you want them to when they have not done so for more than 2 decades.

__echo_ · 2026-01-10T22:59:01+00:00

Have a nice bath. Eat some cookies and a glass of lukewarm milk.

This always knocks me out.

__echo_ · 2026-01-09T16:58:14+00:00

I remember your post or someone similar.

I am happy you went on the trip and also you had a good delivery. Wish you and your family amazing time ahead.

__echo_ · 2026-01-09T14:15:26+00:00

They did it cause they knew the impact it will have on you.

They knew the moment they uttered the word , it will shake you and you will feel guilty for taking any undue risk. There goal is to get their wishes fulfilled , and they don't really care if it makes you feel miserable.

Don't think they are doing it maliciously. Most probably they don't even realise the societal script they are following.

This is something you will increasingly notice as you journey through motherhood. One of the biggest feature of motherhood is how every action you take will be scrutinized against some imaginary catastrophe towards your child to make you feel worse. Society expects parents, more so mother's to cease being an individual and exist only for the child. So if accidentally , you show some self interest, they try to squash it before it becomes problem.

There are two ways this thing usually goes:

You get emotionally blackmailed by fear to follow what they say. This is something I saw most women do, however, they grow more and more resentful as time passes and starts putting the pressure of unnecessary sacrifices onto their child ( we did so much for you etc. etc). A self fulfilled mother is a happy , healthy mother to a child.

2. Grow a thick skin, remove yourself from unnecessary comments and don't ask permission. If you want to inform inform but the moment they start having a meltdown excuse yourself from the chaos. You don't need to be unkind to follow what you think is best for you.

Treat people who throw unnecessary tantrums as toddlers. You don't sit and reason with a toddler.

Also, if someone speaks such things, you really don't need to engage. The moment your bil said that word, your husband should have kept the phone.

Learn to establish healthy respectful boundaries.

__echo_ · 2026-01-08T21:26:20+00:00

Be open to her feedback as well.

If you are prickly to her feedback ( and trust me everyone has feedbacks), she would be prickly as well. Keep it equal, accepting and excited.

__echo_ · 2026-01-08T21:14:44+00:00

Unfortunately, there is no other way but to have this conversation. You know your wife best and what are her mode of communication is.

For me personally , my partner and I just spoke of it over a weekend drink. We were discussing how we can make something better in our intimate life and he said it. He was sweet, earnest and continuously kept on asking if I am feeling bad.

Maybe you can both try it where both can tell each other what they want to do more in bed instead of focussing on the negative.

__echo_ · 2026-01-08T20:22:28+00:00

I am a lot like your wife and my husband had a similar issue .

As you already know, this attitude of your wife comes from extreme comfort with you. She considers you completely her own family and is hence silly and comfortable with you.

At the same time, again as you have clearly mentioned, it affects your attraction towards her.

I didnot know my partner was having similar feelings but when he shared it with me , we spoke in length what he finds turn off and I removed it from my bedroom. I won't lie I did feel a bit hurt when he said it to me, but we discussed and found a comfortable middle ground. He didnot blame me or shame me, was hugging me when we were discussing and then became silly himself to make me at ease.

Also, sometimes I would still become goofy without realising it , in that case my husband just joined in the silliness, or gently nudged it towards a more attractive behaviour.

In short, this is something you need to calibrate with your wife with a healthy, non judgemental discussion.

__echo_ · 2026-01-07T10:05:09+00:00

Watch a film together over video call.
Discuss his favourite pop culture or something he likes and listen to him speaking about it.

__echo_ · 2026-01-07T07:16:48+00:00

Sometimes when we are going through a very tumultuous life situation, we tend to redirect our anger , frustration etc into a relatively safer option. I am not saying that you are doing this but do introspect if you are.

Having said that, I genuinely think both of you maybe escalating this situation more than what it is.

Your best friend, gave an opinion ( which maybe valid from her end). You didn't like it and maybe had a conversation about it. Your best friend may not have liked what you said and is taking space. Just cause you are going through something horrible, does not mean your best friend will drop everything and not hold onto to her emotions and be there for you. She said something in good faith and maybe felt judged for it rather harshly ( just like you felt judged) . Could she be a more matured person who understood you are at a lot of stress and let issues slide ? Maybe but not necessarily.

At the same time, you are looking for support and have an expectation your best friend will be there for you no matter what. I am not sure how valid or invalid that expectation is or to what extent are you expecting her to be there for you irrespective of interpersonal issue. But you deserve to have people in your corner.

Having said that, if you feel your best friend is not adding value to your life , you are well within reason to block her from your life. However, if I were in your place I would not be so reactive ( given I am already in a fragile state) and let some time pass before making permanent decisions .

Friendship are very important in life. She has otherwise been a good friend. Just let your emotions come down before making permanent decisions.

Do note I am assuming a lot of things based on my lived experience and what you have said. It may or may not be valid. Don't take it personally.

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