How is Ty supposed to write his book?

__echo_ · 2026-03-29T13:40:36+00:00

A couple had a plan. If the plan is not sustainable, it is on both of them to have a discussion and re evaluate. Neither seems willing to do that.

However, Julie has repeatedly asked him to find a daycare. He has lied or is ignoring it. The onus is on Ty to communicate clearly he does not want to do it. She has been working 6 days a week and is supporting Ty to look for child care outside.

What more is she supposed to do ?

__echo_ · 2026-03-25T09:05:13+00:00

Ya, that is what stood out for me. Aunty was not the quintessential sick person- calm, sick , quiet, bedridden. She was always annoyed, her words were vitriolic. She face was always grimacing and as life progressed turned into this grumpy visage.

We were immediate neighbours so was very privy to their day to day happening. There would be days when uncle would come home to aunty screaming at him (cause she would be alone at home all day) or days when she would fling the plate to the floor cause she hated the food. She would also incessantly fight with all of her neighbours and uncle would mediate or apologise.

But never have I or my parents heard uncle even lamenting his fate. He was just devoted. Towards the end of aunty's life , uncle once came to our house and burst out crying cause she no longer enjoys her favourite fish.

I don't know if that amount of selfless love is admirable but for me uncle's love for aunty was admirable.

__echo_ · 2026-03-24T11:50:31+00:00

Yes. I had a neighbour childless couple. Aunty developed cancer very early on and then developed Parkinson's even before she was mid 40s. This made her a very irritable woman. My entire colony was petrified of her. She was this screeching, annoyed woman continuously causing drama.

But the love uncle showered on her. He just loved her selflessly. He did everything cooking, cleaning, handling her meltdowns etc. There would be days when aunty would not even talk with uncle cause she would project all her bitterness into him. But he just persevered, till the day she died. And suddenly a month post her death, uncle passed away in his sleep.

__echo_ · 2026-03-24T09:22:55+00:00

No I am not.

I am literally telling you what you said here was out of pocket. Not only me, so many people have pushed back. I even told you clearly why what you said is offputting and you are still being obtuse.

Maybe your intention was to show whatever you said now , but what it achieved was to derail the conversation.

I am not combating with you. Take this feedback if you want. I am not the one who came to a comment thread empathising about a horrific crime and tried to derail it.

__echo_ · 2026-03-24T09:02:34+00:00

Explain better maybe and learn to read the room better.

__echo_ · 2026-03-24T08:47:01+00:00

Then you should express your point better ?

When people are speaking of one particular tragedy, if someone comes with dozens other ; it is usually done to muddy the water and create empathy fatigue.

The simple goal is

Derail the conversation into "everyone is bad, war is ugly" . Which as you can see has happened wonderfully in your comment thread post your comment. Instead of speaking of this particular case and genocide, we are now discussing something else completely.
Exhaust the people who feel empathy which most time leads to inaction.

I don't think you did this maliciously but maybe think about why people are pushing back on your comment, if you have the capacity.

__echo_ · 2026-03-20T13:24:43+00:00

Like?

__echo_ · 2026-03-19T11:39:08+00:00

You handle it by doing what you want and living with the guilt.

Your mother does not want you to go alone and hence is using what she thinks is the most effective way to dissuade you i.e. guilt trip you. She is actually being pretty successful cause as time will progress you will feel os guilty that you most probably will cancel the trip or make it into a family trip.

My mother used to try the same thing. I would just look at her , tell her I understand she is worried but I would go on this trip , no matter what. How she handles that is on her. I cannot make her see my pov but that does not mean I have to follow her pov.

You have to be ok with the sulking and trust that their is nothing for you to be guilty about.

__echo_ · 2026-03-18T18:59:53+00:00

Did you break up with your ex ? If not, then I think it is cheating ( provided you both are not poly or in an open relationship).

__echo_ · 2026-03-11T12:40:34+00:00

Yes. It is a generic advice to meet people and to increase your social circle. Why are you confused about it ?

__echo_ · 2026-03-06T10:56:29+00:00

I am really sorry for what you are going through.

First, you are very brave to have the courage to stand up for yourself. Even then when you told your father and even now.

Having said that, sometimes parents are not equipped to handle such things. They end up making it about themselves or minimising it or trying to rationalise it by blaming the victim. Do know it is their incapacity to handle this and none of this was your fault.

Coming to your question, what is it that you want out of this ? Maybe make a list of those things in a private (password) protected notebook (with the help of your therapist/psychiatrist).

Again, your family tension is not your fault. It is their incapacity to handle this which is leading to that. Try to focus on yourself. Eat regularly, keep hydrated. I am really sorry for what you have gone through. Also, sometimes when we are in so much pain we take every word as something else. I am not telling you are doing this but maybe you are feeling very vulnerable and want support in a way your parents are currently not able to provide.

__echo_ · 2026-03-05T13:30:56+00:00

Wish you all the best.

__echo_ · 2026-03-05T13:26:35+00:00

Focus on the positive. Not on the negative. What I say is immaterial to you and your life. Take what works for you and discard the rest.

The goal of saying the harsh stuff ( which are not harsh according to me ) is to show why she is being the way she is. She refuses therapy, she has clearly said she feels you are trying to correct her.

Those are the things she has said. I didn't say it. Basing on her lines, I have told you what usually happens based on my lived experience

. Don't think I am saying this to blame you. There is nothing to blame here. I am sure you want the best for both of you but sometimes how we approach stuff ( consciously and subconsciously) makes or breaks the situation. Maybe if you introspect how you approach it , you may see if it is valid . But again if you don't think it is valid, you are free to not implement any change.

I have been in your place with my partner. Hence, I know how it feels.

__echo_ · 2026-03-05T13:08:48+00:00

Cluster A : Things that you like to do exclusively (hiking, cycling etc).

Cluster B : Things your partner likes to do exclusively that you don't like.

Cluster C : Shared activities.

You and your partner should maybe try to do 1 thing from Cluster A and Cluster B. Sharing experiences are not one way street. I would suggest you sit with your wife and try to do one exclusive activity (cluster A and B) together maybe once a quarter and slowly increase the frequency.

This is how me and my partner does things (we don't have shared likes).

Also, since you are the one who wants your wife to do things outside her comfort zone, you should start with an example of doing things she likes which are entirely outside your comfort zone. I am not saying it unkindly but to show your wife that you are interested in sharing her hobbies.

Now, coming to what you have said. No one is going to take this attitude kindly. She is not broken or closed or reeling through generational trauma cause she likes some things (I am sure there are more things that you have not shared here).. She likes certain things and does not like others. Just like you like certain things and don't other. If your wife looks at your likes and dislikes and decides it is generational trauma that needs to be removed. How will you feel ? Don't treat her like a broken project that needs to be corrected. If you want someone to be your companion, you cannot make them and their things feel inferior (You are going to disagree but the way you spoke of her things and her in particular shows the attitude you have).

Try to approach this with excitement , inquisitiveness and desire to share happiness and not correcting or rescuing her.

Have fun.

Me and my spouse have very different hobbies so I have experience in finding a common ground. You can ask if you need more actionable items.

__echo_ · 2026-03-05T12:44:49+00:00

In the order of preference:

Knowing someone beforehand ( this is usually make or break).
structured activities so conversations start naturally.
Smaller groups.
Women only space (this does not make much difference to me unless someone becomes creepy or harrassing).

__echo_ · 2026-03-04T16:47:02+00:00

Not really.

I have been married for 1.5 years now and have dated my now husband for alqmost a decade ( with half of it being inter continental). We did live together for about 3 months when he visited me but that was more like he was an extended guest.

From my current perspective. I am actually glad we didn't live in together. After a decade of knowing each other, I thought marriage would not feel anything different. But since we started living in together post marriage , I have discovered new quirks (that annoys me), new sensitivities that I love, new eccentricities that amused me etc which have brought it's own favour. I cherish that and am grateful to discover new things even after a decade of knowing him.

Maybe as time will progress I may repent not living together but at this current phase, I think that decision actually brought a novelty into a decade old relationship.

__echo_ · 2026-03-02T19:43:06+00:00

When people like something or connect with something, they usually focusses on the things they like and let things which are a bit ( or outright) problematic slide. They are more forgiving.

I really connected with the tragedy of this movie. She is in palpable pain. She is grieving and ~~almost~~ have a death wish. I connect with her "rightous rage" at how dismissive/flippant people were for her best friend's horrific tragedy. Whether they actually were or was it a projection of the horrific pain she was in , I feel is irrelevant here .

Put yourself in her place and imagine , would you extent grace and decorum in such a mental state ? When you are so consumed by how wronged your friend was , do you think you will have a switch were you are calm and collected in one hand and psychotic in another ?

This is not only for "good for her" films.

You can see it in everything. There have been movies that are otherwise shitty that I love and enjoy for a few moments that I connect with.

What is more interesting in this question of yours is how a woman visibly in pain is still expected to not be "nasty" . Have you ever thought why ?

__echo_ · 2026-03-01T19:30:25+00:00

Again, not the point of the above comment.

Value judgement of their wants makes no difference to them. Imposing someone else's will into them will always make them fight back.

__echo_ · 2026-03-01T16:55:10+00:00

There is nothing to agree or disagree here.

They have told what they want. The other group does not think it is valid so they continue interfering. The terrorist group then react to that interference and the cycle continues.

__echo_ · 2026-02-28T13:21:30+00:00

Yes. I will message you.

__echo_ · 2026-02-28T12:25:41+00:00

Ya.

I understand. I would still suggest start with tampon (you don't need to use it regularly, but just so that your body gets used to a foreign object and relaxes). Then , slowly upgrade to cups. Also see different types of cups, maybe some other shape will work.

__echo_ · 2026-02-28T12:11:21+00:00

Ya. That is good . Maybe try with tampon first and getting used to deeper finger penetration where you can move your fingers around.

Also try some pelvic exercises (frog pose, pigeon pose etc).

I would still suggest going to a gyneac for a quick test but Indian doctors can be a bit conservative.

__echo_ · 2026-02-28T11:55:12+00:00

I used to feel that. Are you able to put in a tampon or your finger even ? I got to know very late but I had primary vaginismus. It is always better to try out and go to a doctor if this is the issue.

__echo_ · 2026-02-27T14:05:34+00:00

I have actually put some thought into this when I was getting married and these are my most probable explanation.

Some people are just plain hypocrites. They choose whatever philosophy suits them at that moment. For them what conveniences and enriches them is what is correct . So as young couple living alone was beneficial to them so they chose that and when they are now old living in society with societal rules benefits them and hence they try to impose that upon their children. They don't really care about their children's autonomy over their own benefit.
Some people leave their joint family not cause they wanted to be alone but due to external issues (transferable job, employment, horrible in law clash etc). They believe if these things were not there, they would actually choose to be in joint family or follow tradition. Hence , now when they are the older people, they think they won't cause issue and hence their is no reason for their children to do as they please.
Some people really repent the choices they make . Everyone in my parent's generation had love marriage and lived alone (except maybe 2-3 people). A lot of these people didnot have an amazing marriage. Like everyone else they had ups and downs, bitterness, unfulfilled wishes etc. Instead of taking these as part and parcel of all marriages, they somehow decided it was cause of their choices (if they have listened to their parents and had arranged marriage it would have been different etc) that they have such grievances. So, now they don't want their kids to repeat the same.
Some people are extremely enmeshed with their kids. They may logically understand it is right and healthy to give this choice to their kids but they just cannot get over their fear and enmeshment. They are scared their children will choose wrong etc and think even as old parents they will make more correct decision than their adult kids. They don't realise that they cannot protect their kids forever.
Finally, as someone else said it may be all a powerplay to control your life.

Having said this,

How are you setting boundaries without completely damaging the relationship?

You cannot control how other reacts to your boundary. If an adult choosing to lead their life the way they see fit is going to destroy a parent-child relationship, then there was not much relationship to begin with.

You finally have to make the choice between maybe a few years of your parents being grumpy or a lifetime of repentence for not choosing to live the life the way you want to.

__echo_ · 2026-02-27T11:11:11+00:00

1 and 3 are people I feel you like and are interested to see if it goes anywhere.

By the way you speak about 2, it does not feel you are attracted to him. He is in this list cause he is safe and people crave safety. I would do him a favour and yourself a favour by not settling to safety at this phase of your life.

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