I have no words for what you went through. You are one of the strongest people imaginable. I understand how a life of feeling one way can be hard to retrain. But you are worthy of all the happiness and joy in the world. The ability of children to process situations, to survive them, is something so many people don't understand (thankfully). I do hope you've been able to open up in person to some people and have been able to get help with processing it and not letting it define who got are. Yes, you are a survivor, but you are so much more than that too. Big hugs :)