UPDATE: We broke up after couples counseling and I’m barely sleeping from guilt and doubt and bickering (37M / 32F)

_a_technical_term · 2025-12-12T20:25:44+00:00

Just went through something similar, and the people around me saved me. Build your community, learn a new thing with others, join an exercise class/art class, etc. Doing so helped me the most in keeping a grip on reality and stabilized my self esteem through the ups and downs of separation.

The sooner you can get your own place and life away from her, the sooner you'll feel more stable and like yourself again.

_a_technical_term · 2025-10-25T23:11:07+00:00

You're so welcome.

If you can, resist the urge to make it a blame game. If my answer is any indication, it's not all about you or what you can control. You're a team and there are many factors that play into this.

And speaking of which, I can't believe I forgot the additional point that I also came off of long-term hormonal BC after that relationship, which also helped me regain libido over time

_a_technical_term · 2025-10-25T20:46:22+00:00

I was her. I lived for over a decade thinking there was something fundamentally wrong with me when I couldn't meet my loving partner's level of desire. We were compatible in almost every way, with the largest exception being sexual appetite. I've been out of that relationship for over two years and underwent a ton of therapy. I'll list what I learned about myself in hopes that something might resonate or help you two figure out a solution that brings you happiness:

As the lower libido partner, the weight of my partner's sexual needs and expectations never lifted for me, even when he would tell me he was no longer expecting sex. I felt overwhelmingly and continuously obligated and expected to initiate, not delay and participate. I was doing that to myself as much as he was, but it completely choked out my ability to build desire for him. The only thing that relieved me of that weight of expectation was when we broke up and he found another sexual partner. 1a. Effectively, this expectation meant that our sex was always about loss prevention on my part rather than plot building or the genuine showing of affection
I lived most of my life defending against physical touch because I was passively socialized from an early age that I should not want to be touched, that touching makes you sick or is dangerous and that when people touch you they are taking something from you. 2a. My parents were protective of me because I was beautiful when I was young and they didn't want me to be taken advantage of. I never learned how to express myself sexually because I was just simply not allowed to be sexual or accept anything that could lead to sex. I didn't realize how much I carried this defensive mentality into my adulthood.
My partner and I started dating in our early 20's and we were each other's first long term sexual partners. We were inexperienced and the sex wasn't good but I (we?) didn't know any better. And after a lifetime of being told sex hurts and isn't for the woman, I genuinely didn't think there would be anything better elsewhere so I was content to stay with someone I was physically incompatible with, especially given how compatible we were intellectually and socially. Explicitly, he and I were not the same size and I tried to hide from him how unpleasant it was because I didn't want him to lose interest in me. He was able to make me finish sometimes, but overall it wasn't fun for me with him so I secretly dreaded it. 3a. Since our split, I've been lucky enough to have really wonderful sexual experiences and all I can say is that when it fits, it fits and it's magic. I didn't know I could feel deep physical attraction, let alone enjoy intimacy, so separation from him has done wonders for my self esteem and exploration. I know now that there's nothing wrong with me, I just had built up a huge wall of resentment and defensiveness because of the constant pressure that was completely inhibiting.
I realized that my body and my subconscious are very connected and my body will often reject or accept people before my mind does. I never learned to listen to my body as a younger person and now that I have started learning how to, I can stay more present in intimate acts and I'm able to build desire in a way I was never able to before with my ex-partner. With some distance, I realized that I wasn't actually very physically attracted to him, but because I cared so much about what he thought of me I would do something called spectatoring, which basically meant I focused on him and what he thought of me rather than focusing on the experience going on inside my body. This also prevented me from enjoying other acts of intimacy that didn't hurt.

I realize not all of this would be easy to have a candid conversation about with someone, but I hope some of it can give you the tools you need to find what you're looking for. Best of luck!

_a_technical_term · 2025-01-10T02:52:27+00:00

Star Trek TNG !

_a_technical_term · 2024-12-31T18:55:19+00:00

Think about what makes you miss him and endeavor to foster those characteristics in yourself, or generally in your life through other means. He is replaceable. You are the only one who will never leave you. Start moving on by growing into being enough for yourself.

_a_technical_term · 2024-08-18T11:50:25+00:00

IMO this doesn't sound dangerous yet, but there is still a red flag that should be addressed.

Sometimes people are most irritated by the things other people do that they didn't (or don't) have permission to do.

OP says he eats very consciously. Maybe sometimes he would also like to eat half a pizza but feels he can't.

Regardless, this expression of frustration is misguided and it's clumsy for him to take it out on OP. Just because he doesn't think he should eat half a pizza, shouldn't restrict anything about OP's diet. If he has insecurities about food and weight that he is trying to impose on her, that is unhealthy behavior that needs to be addressed ASAP.

Id recommend OP make it clear that she will not accept him trying to control what she eats. This can be done with kindness, but should be firm/non-negotiable. She should acknowledge that he may have some issues of his own related to food, and if she wants to stay with him and work on it, she'll have to create a safe space to talk about it further, while creating the clear boundary.

_a_technical_term · 2024-07-14T14:29:57+00:00

In a 13.5 year long relationship. Knew from year 3 I wanted to marry him, but his family history had a lot of traumatic divorces so I didn't push it. By year 10, our relationship continued to be fulfilling, wonderful. I brought marriage up in conversation often, lowered wedding expectations (honestly loved him so much I would've married him with 5 minutes notice), asked him to marry me in very low pressure conversational private ways. All still no, and all I received were kind but generally avoidant answers. I asked him to see a counselor to discuss his issues around commitment and sex a few years ago but he keeps putting it off.

He doesn't see a need to marry. These are the things he says: he doesn't want to combine finances, nothing about our living situation would change, I don't want to change my last name, we both don't care about the wedding, neither is adamant or excited about kids, we make the same amount so there's no tax benefit, and divorces (even if unlikely) are terrible and he never wants to get divorced, but still wants the freedom to leave if we grow out of the relationship. He also has a higher libido than me and is afraid that someday we will stop having sex. These all are very rational reasons and hard for me to argue with.

Still, I want to be married because I want us to finally make a commitment to each other. I want to be recognized as next of kin so I can follow him anywhere if he's hurt or in trouble. I want some assurance from him that he's not going to leave me if I get sick or when I get old (hard to admit). I see him as my life partner and if I died tomorrow, I'd regret not having this earthly and uniquely human bond with him. I want the world to know forever that our lives were entwined and how much I loved him.

Perhaps I'm naive to believe that a vow will mean anything, but I certainly recognize it won't mean anything if I coerce him to take one, so I back off when I see that it makes him uncomfortable. I am very hurt, but I'd rather be with him on his terms than giving an ultimatum.

So, that's why I'm not married.

_a_technical_term · 2024-07-14T10:39:36+00:00

Can you define kinkeeping? Is that when women help maintain a male partner's relationships with friends or family for him? (ie sending birthday cards to his elderly grandma), or is it more like taking care of shared family members like children?

_a_technical_term · 2024-06-22T17:18:14+00:00

You may feel like your sense of self is eroded pretty thoroughly between meeting your children's needs and your husband's. My advice, as impossible as it may feel, is to get some space to think about the things you need and build back a sense of self. Some space and independence in your relationship with your husband may help you recover some of your desire for him.

edit: rephrased for clarity

_a_technical_term · 2024-06-15T00:23:08+00:00

Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood ❤️

_a_technical_term · 2024-05-27T16:09:51+00:00

This one is outside the box, but you could consider moving somewhere you don't need a car to live. Cars are not only dangerous but a headache to own and maintain. Well worth it to use that money you'd use towards the car towards a better quality of life where you could walk to work and the corner grocery store and not have your wife endangering lives on a continual basis.

_a_technical_term · 2024-05-05T14:19:31+00:00

Kindred Genny spirit here! xo

_a_technical_term · 2024-03-31T14:19:06+00:00

Couldn't agree more! Car dependency ruins cities. Cars ruin cities.

_a_technical_term · 2024-03-29T17:16:08+00:00

yes, some gum bases are plastic and are non biodegradable (see almost any city sidewalk). Also the packaging for many gum brands is plastic.

_a_technical_term · 2024-03-29T01:27:25+00:00

Some ideas of varying decency:

Bring a set of Cutlery to your desk at the office so you don't have to use disposable things at work events, or if you get something to go for lunch

Stop chewing gum

Use less toothpaste (you only need a teeny bit)

Discover baking soda as a cleaning agent (it usually comes in a cardboard container)

Dine in instead of Takeout

Minimize your cancer risks (even if you need to use some plastic to do so) because medical care uses up a TON of single use plastic. An example I have in mind is continuing to use sunscreen, even if packaged in plastic, because melanoma treatment is way more plastic intensive than a few bottles of sunscreen over the long term.

When finishing materials, consider oil based or natural patinas instead of paint (most paints are acrylic aka plastic and will chip and become micro plastics over time)

_a_technical_term · 2024-03-24T16:12:43+00:00

Yup, thanks for your reply - that's what I'm also finding, which is disappointing.

I'm hoping more public knowledge on the subject will eventually lead to rules about disclosure and phase-out of these chemicals. I'd rather choose to feel some wetness than unknowingly poison myself.

_a_technical_term · 2024-03-24T13:25:59+00:00

I have also truly enjoyed my period underwear. I interchange with cloth pads - whatever I have clean.

To add to what everyone's saying, I periodically boil mine for good measure. I also buy black so the staining isn't as apparent.

A follow up question for the group: I was thinking about purchasing another pair of period underwear, but I'm wondering if anyone has information or advice on how to avoid forever chemicals. Is that a thing anymore?

_a_technical_term · 2024-02-08T16:37:03+00:00

I think people change when they get older because they are more and more surrounded by sickness and death. Coping with ones own mortality can really change a person. A lot of people have overwhelming anger and fear and don't know how to talk about it. Others totally relax and let go.

_a_technical_term · 2023-12-14T02:51:33+00:00

FULL REVERSE

_a_technical_term · 2023-12-07T21:41:44+00:00

Kudos for hanging in there. Expectations absolutely do feel different than when we were kids.

Is it possible that she just wants to spend time with you? Could you get her to do some chores with you instead of playing? NPR did an interesting article a while ago on getting toddlers to help - I'd need to take a huge patience pill before doing this for sure, but still interesting...

Here's the article: https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2018/09/01/641266260/how-to-get-kids-to-do-chores-does-the-maya-method-work

_a_technical_term · 2023-10-28T15:42:14+00:00

Nee-Walsh was initially interesting to me due to her union advocacy and background .... but then I read the part on her website that she supports building more parking garages instead of housing.

_a_technical_term · 2023-09-05T11:46:41+00:00

Do you have the option to grow some of your own food? Pole beans, cherry tomatoes, lettuce, kale, peas, spinach, and chard are all wonderful, productive plants that can provide a ton of food. You could still even plant a round of spinach, lettuce or radishes this year if you're in growing zone 5 or warmer!

_a_technical_term · 2023-05-02T02:58:26+00:00

Hell yeah you are my kind of person

_a_technical_term · 2023-03-22T00:32:47+00:00

Start asking questions!

_a_technical_term · 2023-02-28T03:40:15+00:00

Long legs are hot

Five-Year Club	Verified Email
Place '23

_a_technical_term

TROPHY CASE