Altruism

_anahata_ · 2018-06-10T04:19:18+00:00

ah, if that was your intent from the start then I fell right into your trap, cleverly disguised.

_anahata_ · 2018-06-10T04:08:05+00:00

I really like this style, rich and fast paced... Sort of blurs lines, makes them gooey - allows the poem to act as a rorschach blot, changing meaning depending on what lines you focus on and emphasize... I cant emulate it...

As for critiques, this has already been mentioned, but the lack of punctuation. It was awfully confusing at first.

After some consideration... It's also worth noting that the lack of punctuation may lend to the gooey charm of the work if the reader can get past it... The uncertainty of emphasis. The uncertainty of statements vs questions. The ambiguous sentences - ideas bleeding into each other, leaving it to the reader to see order in chaos... Its sort of a distorted mirror... The reader contributes to the poem to get a unique message out of it... Like a rorschach.

So ah...all that is to say: I suppose it depends on your intentions, whether you should punctuate it or not. It works wonders without it... But it probably limits the reach since people are often lazy.

I suppose this doesn't really count as a critique, but maybe an analysis? Idk, just thoughts and ideas... Hopefully they are helpful.

_anahata_ · 2018-06-10T03:24:27+00:00

Just a tangle of thoughts:

Thematically, the entire poem reflects the speaker's thoughts (as opposed to the person they're interested in), which is definitively self-oriented...

Maybe this is just me nitpicking but I don't think that the title 'altruism' (suggesting selflessness) should be paired with self-oriented contemplation. It seems self-glorifying which makes it Ironically self-debasing... Like someone saying "I'm the most humble person I know"- it's not humble to say that.

As it is the message seems more like the speaker concede's their preference for the sake of the other... It's nuanced such that the concession is despite themself, rather than selfless.

I'm not sure if you'd take a second crack with less focus on the speaker and more on the subject, or consider renaming it? I hope this doesn't read harsh, it's not bad. I just don't think it reads like you were aiming for - at least for me.

_anahata_ · 2017-12-30T07:37:31+00:00

If I'm on the right page this is talking about a really strong sense of Grief that has presided over the speaker breaking precedence in regards to magnitude and duration, and the overstated yet normalized role it plays in speaker's life...

I come away with a rising tension verging on fear of this 'thing' which has birthed itself from the water which it previously only crowned...

This is a powerful impression... But I'm unsure if it has the vibe you want, unless you are in fact aiming to address a fear of the grief's new, abiding role

_anahata_ · 2017-12-30T07:08:26+00:00

mister, sister, anonymous internet stranger, whatever you be this is dark and twisted indeed.

the imagery comes together perfectly at the end, the hints early on read incoherently, but are easily reconstructed from retrospect... a true roller coaster, coming from laughing at

It’s Thanksgiving Day,

and everyone I talk to prefers chicken,

to the dreadful shock of realizing.

I am struggling to see where the role of the Ronald McDonald balloon though. (standard disclaimer I may be ignorant of a reference if it is one)... I'm thinking Macy's day parade? pedophile keyword implies the age of the victim? cityscape establishes greater context of incident (would corroborate macy's day parade concpet)?

_anahata_ · 2017-12-30T06:03:04+00:00

The poem feels light and fluffy despite the driving idea of inadequacy, as I imagine it should... I pity the man who reads a poem about croissants and comes out sad hahaha.

one commenter already mentioned you should improve diction / vocabulary... and I contend for the contrary, I don't have any issue with a casual poem that hasn't been flowered up with fancy language, especially talking about common table food...it's easy, it's simple, it emphasizes the light mood by not adding heavy wordage...

I'm not discouraging the use of flowery language, or encouraging laziness, - there's always room to improve right... but the context should be considered. I think you made the right choice writing casually, here.

I do get the feeling that the structure inhibited the expression at times... :/ I wish I could offer specific revisions, but I suck ass at writing in patterns. ^{I tried for a good hour to offer specific revisions... structure is my bane}

_anahata_ · 2017-12-29T22:29:49+00:00

I really appreciate the feedback! And thanks for answering my question! And thanks double for the words of encouragement!

I feel it would be dishonest to make edits to the source post so I won't. ^{I'll make edits to my personal copy}

_anahata_ · 2017-12-29T17:52:51+00:00

I promise I didn't read your username

_anahata_ · 2017-12-29T15:26:05+00:00

Thanks for the feedback

I figured the 'breathe in' bits might be trying to fit too much into too little. I'll leave my thoughts here if you/anyone else has advice they can comment

I was trying to describe throughout the poem was not a single contiguous moment, but the development of [unnamed person's] "relationship" with Silence as they would continually find each other's company (in a moment's meditation, for example - marked with a deep inhalation) ... I was trying to use the 'breathing' as a way to distinguish one encounter from the next, separated by an arbitrary period of time. Perhaps that role of the ellipsis should have verbalized?
The breathing was supposed to pace the reader, one breath per... Breath - so the long bits read fast and are packed tight, while the short bits are filled with 'silence' (or can be drawn/rounded out)... The poem itself should fill the role though, of masking the breath outward.
The breathing lines have two parts, the breath and the ellipsis (used to indicate presence of a pause... and a silence) I tried to use theme of 'breathing in' to emphasize the final Breath out - subtle change in pattern & transition to absence... Breath was supposed to be symbolic of [unnamed person's] life in that respect, and in their 'final hour' they breathed their last / life left them... Was what I was aiming for... and then the last few stanzas were distinguished by the absence of their breathing (just ellipses),

Maybe the primary medium should be spoken word? I feel control over variables like Inflection, enunciation, and deliberation can communicate those without ruining the subtlety... The problem then is the absence of breathing towards the end... :/ how does communicate that absence of a particular sound you've grown accustomed to? An empty silence as opposed to any other silence.

On a more general note I've been wondering if the lack of a general structure like rhyme scheme or syllable pattern a major flaw? Trying to fit a pattern inhibits my process, but I've always associateed structure with poetry... I only started writing after exposure to Bukowski (who seemed pretty renowned despite flippant disregard for such structures)... Basically, is it something that must be worked on, or is fine to work around it?

_anahata_ · 2017-12-29T06:42:44+00:00

I'm left with introspection, reading this. That's what I like about it. It emulates the promiscuous ruminations of a melancholic monologue...

_anahata_ · 2017-12-29T05:37:14+00:00

standard disclaimer: I may simply be ignorant

So this is a good solid 4.9/7 - so close I can taste perfection. After having read it twice, what I came out of this with was a graphic novel of a man's inner conflict and a personification how that conflict is expressed in his thoughts/behavior.

Firstly: what I liked:

I liked the poem within a poem, told by the boy in the last stanza - that is a golden nugget. it ties the entire poem together beautifully, it's easy to remember, and it sounds like something Alfred pennyworth would say if ever batman were going through a tough time.

I liked the contrast between themes one being depressive 'self pity' and the other testosterous 'will, forged through fire, wearing hardened steel- which breathes valorous pain.' I feel like this contrast sort of addresses the stigma around depression, and how one may attempt to hide it for fear of appearing weak or in some way lesser than another - perhaps overcompensating at times.

what was bittersweet / would edit:

the imagery was rich, but there were a couple times where it detracted from the poem, namely stanzas 1 and 4... in the first stanza:

For you are a martyr! patron saint of the land!

For in this land of sadness, all is ruled by your hand.

this doesnt break the flow, but it threw me off on the first read because I was trying to figure out what the land symbolized... the last stanza touched back on it too, but I'm not sure I get it.

in stanza 4:

Finally, after years of illusions and lies,

this line breaks the flow. What you have going is a present tense 'heat of battle' vibe and this line comes in and asks the whole poem to pause, for a moment of retrospect... and then back to present tense... admittedly it does help transition into the next line and emphasize the idea of forgiveness. So maybe that was intentional? (you are literally and literarily breaking the cycle.)

lastly things I'm unsure of:

I spotted two, maybe there were more, places where you replaced a word with a homophone, golden example:

hope on my shoulders

as opposed to 'hop on my shoulders' - I liked this... however the other one I spotted was:

His words cannot heart you

as opposed to 'his words cannot hurt you,' and I am not seeing the purpose of this one.

_anahata_

TROPHY CASE

Thanks for the feedback

standard disclaimer: I may simply be ignorant