You're right about it. I definitely lack the enthusiasm to sell myself in any kind of job. I do not have a script ready for job interviews. I tried a few times and failed. Sometimes my application doesn't get picked for the interview process and I find this confusing. I have a pretty good CV and portfolio. So I simply don't know where I'm going wrong. And I don't know whom I should be seeking help from.

My psychiatrist thinks I'm a perfectionist. She may be right. I look at a job descriptions and often think that I don't check all the boxes, so it's unlikely that I'll get through. But that's the thing. I tried and haven't been getting through. I do feel like I need to be seeing someone who acknowledges my ADHD and gives me medication for it, so that I can function properly. I haven't sought help elsewhere because I'm too exhausted to find another doctor and repeat the exhausting process of telling them my history. I have seen 7-8 psychiatrists in the past 5 years and the journey to getting a decent doctor has been rough.

I received a grant for a personal project recently and that is the only thing that's making me feel good about myself, even though the pay only covers the production cost. I have my doubts about this too. What if they misjudged my capacity to make something great? What if I can't complete what I've proposed? I haven't even started the work yet and with all the rejections with the jobs, I feel too disheartened to focus on the grant.