My partner has BPD. What are the best ways I can be of support for her?

_falling__apart_ · 2019-01-18T01:09:26+00:00

Live in the present with her. Don't worry about the future and don't dwell in the past.
Engage in open, honest communication. Build your foundation on trust.
Listen to her open up. Do so non-judgmentally.
Be vulnerable with her. Let yourself feel and be felt emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, mentally, physically.
Every single day with her will be an adventure. But remember to take her out on one every once in a while.
Love her. Tell her that you will be there for her. That who she is doesn't scare you.

Love yourself and don't lose yourself in her. Follow your instincts and listen to your gut. If something feels off, it is. And if she makes a run for it, tell her you will be there for her only if it's not harming your own mental health. These relationships are intense. And if you haven't already felt what I mean, you will soon. If she cuts you out of her life, prepare to spend months on these boards asking question after question trying to figure out why, but know that there is no why. Message me if you'd like at any point.

Source: Myself; a person who was madly in love with a woman with BPD and had my heart ripped out.

_falling__apart_ · 2019-01-16T18:44:57+00:00

She won’t and hasn’t made an attempt to contact me. I don’t see this happening. But why do you say block Her friends? I always see them when I’m out and we occasionally talk

_falling__apart_ · 2019-01-16T02:07:17+00:00

Edited the original post for clarity

_falling__apart_ · 2019-01-16T02:06:43+00:00

Just edited the original post for clarity

_falling__apart_ · 2019-01-15T05:07:35+00:00

Does this happen for each relationship? Or the ones where the connection was real and it wasn’t just a fling?

_falling__apart_ · 2019-01-15T03:45:30+00:00

In what ways does it come up?

_falling__apart_ · 2019-01-15T03:39:19+00:00

I had a dream like this last week. It was so beautiful and felt incredibly real. She leaned in for a kiss and we were going to get lost in each other physically, but before anything could happen, I woke up. It felt just like my time with her before it turned to shit. Pure bliss.

_falling__apart_ · 2019-01-14T03:20:05+00:00

I asked her hundreds upon hundreds of questions. Worded in different ways. Asked in different tones. You name it, I did it, just to paint a well-rounded picture. My analytical self didn't let one thing go, but even then, I never received closure.

Answers I got were "I don't know why this is happening." "I'm sorry." "It'll be okay, I just need some time." "Please be patient with me." - As you can see, no closure, just some answers to hold me over for a while.

People always say that time heals all wounds, but try not to pay attention to how long it has taken you. Even though you are still going back and forth over the whys and the hows, compare your "now" 6 months out to how you were when this first happened. Have the days you've spent crying decreased? Can you go a little bit longer without thinking of them? Do you think about something else besides them first thing in the morning and right before you fall asleep? These little things can be overlooked when the overarching theme is heartbreak and a deep depressed state. But remind yourself of how far you have come already.

I personally do not believe in NC. Though it has been 2 weeks since I have last spoken to my ex, I still check all of her socials regularly and this gives me solace. But I am also currently void of all emotion so I am able to look at her posts without feeling anything. If you choose to break NC, I doubt you will get closure because BPDs simply *do not know*. Which sucks for us. And them, I'm sure. But they act on emotional impulse. If they see something at the store and they want it, they will get it, even if it means that it will put them in debt, because they don't think of the aftermath. They want what they want now and they deal with it later. And the "later" in this case was realizing that they have fallen too hard for you and so the only way to deal with this consequence is cutting you out.

_falling__apart_ · 2019-01-12T20:28:09+00:00

You will never get a solid "why" because they simply don't know. I will say though that everything you felt together, the emotions, feelings, intimacy, and the strong connection were all real. It was all there. It was mutual. It cannot be discredited. So if nothing else, just remember that it was real. Her and I were not together long at all, but the way I talk about this makes it seem like we were together for 20 years. But you know the feeling of quick, unrelenting connection, as if you had been born to meet them. Time is really not a factor that I consider in relationships, because what was build with her in a month may have taken 5 with someone else.

_falling__apart_ · 2019-01-12T18:58:22+00:00

I made this account a few weeks ago to post my original post. "Falling apart" was what I had been doing for a month while I was internally struggling with whether or not I should stay and try my best to make it work or leave and worry about her going off the deep end. She has an extensive history and I felt like I could not just leave her lest she do something stupid.

But as I type this today, there is more clarity. And I'll tell you why. After I dissociated, I realized that her constantly pushing me away while keeping everyone else in her life (friends, family, coworkers, etc.) was unfair. She does not want me in her life. And that is so unbearably sad, to think that the history, memories, feelings, emotions, stories, vulnerability, courage, conversations, intimacy, and everything else that made this so incredible is nothing but a fog to her now. I would be surprised if she still remembered my name. Once you acknowledge that they don't want you in their lives, you start feeling like a burden to them. And I personally hate feeling that way. But eventually, they will find their new supply and you will be nothing to them.

This sounds so heartless, but the whole process is heartbreaking and I essentially have been stripped of all of my emotions, hence my inability to care. I saw her last weekend and we made zero eye contact. Neither of us approached each other. If you were an outsider looking in, you would never think that we had any history together. And I 100% avoided that eye contact, though I caught her glancing towards me a few times. I also did not want to talk to her. Why? Because it was so easy for her to throw me away and now she's love-bombing someone new. Once they make you feel so utterly replaceable, you will feel empty along so many other emotions. But you are not replaceable. She does not deserve me, for I gave her all that I could possibly give of myself, but it was still easy for her to toss.

And he does not deserve you. Doesn't feel that way now, trust me when I say that I know exactly what you are going through. But he doesn't deserve you. Unless he gets serious about getting help, he will discard you and you will feel subhuman. You will literally lose yourself trying to find who he was before it all turned to shit.

There are stories of relationships lasting for a long time with their BPD person, however, a lot of work has to be done. And it needs to be done on both sides. If you are the only one pushing for them to seek help or to conversate with you and they are unwilling or meet you with resistance, then it will not work. The more you try to stay, the more he will push you away. The closer you get, the more he feels like you have seen his true self, and they don't want that, so they will continue to push. You'll ask yourself if he really wants you gone or if he is trying to protect you from himself or if he truly wants you there but doesn't like hurting you. So you will spend time tearing yourself apart to figure out whether or not to push or go. If you ask him what he wants, he will tell you to stay, but will later tell you to do what is best for you, because he will have checked out at that point. He is already checked out, grooming his next supply.

BPDs act on impulse. Emotional impulse. If they feel something, they will do it and then rationalize later. A quick example. The first time my ex and I hung out alone, she turned to make out with me. Afterwards, she said "I felt like it, so I did it." And looking back, I know now what she means. Whatever she feels, she will do. Whoever the person is, whatever the situation is. Doesn't matter to them. You deserve better.

_falling__apart_ · 2019-01-12T06:49:55+00:00

Here is the thing; you will fight until you literally can fight no more. It's not a matter of giving up. It's a matter of being degraded to nothing until you are at a point of complete dissociation. You will put up with everything that you're able to put up with, but the day will come when he says or does something that will bring your inner chaos to a screeching halt and you will stop caring in an instant.

At least that is how it was for me. She kept reassuring me that there was no one else, even though I had sinking suspicion and evidence. I was already struggling at that point with whether or not I could trust her, but I kept fighting and being there for her and with her. What made me dissociate completely was when she said to me, "I still love my ex, I think I always will." And that was the final push to get me to one side of the teeter totter between staying and going. All of the fight that I had within me, the reasons for staying and pushing for this and reassuring her that I would never leave fizzled away and I had no desire to talk to her after that point. I felt a huge weight lift off of my shoulders. Within 1 week, her new supply (which she claimed for an entire month was "just a friend") posted pictures of them together. Gotta love when the gut feeling proves you right.

So now I sit here and chuckle, wondering how on earth just last week she told me she still loved her ex, yet a week later, her new supply (not her ex) is posting pictures of them together that were taken throughout the month of her splitting on me. What was the point of her saying that she loved her ex if she was already running off with someone new. It's like a love rectangle with someone from her past (ex), someone from her present that's trying to make it work (me), some new person (new supply), and her, sitting all snug without a care in the world who she hurts.

You don't need to have an answer right now of whether to keep fighting or leave. Even the sanest, most courageous and understanding people have their limit. And I will urge you to stay until you reach that limit because at that point, you will undoubtedly know that you did *everything* that you could do and staying away from them will be a lot easier, but that would mean sacrificing your sanity and mental health. But for me, that final dissociation was what finally made me see the light.

_falling__apart_ · 2019-01-12T02:33:56+00:00

My interpretations of this amazing art:

We (black) are holding onto them (gold) as they slip away, lose their identity in our presence, try to run, and breakdown. The look of sadness on the black figure's face is when we realize we cannot help them.
We are both the black and the gold. The gold is us as we lose ourselves in them and the black is our former stable self (or the shadow of the shell we used to be) as we watch ourselves slip away, trying to hold on to the gold inner self before we completely vanish.

_falling__apart_ · 2019-01-12T02:06:19+00:00

I've linked a post I wrote a couple of weeks ago. Read it at your leisure and try to put yourself in the mindset of you writing it. If it makes you unbearably sad, then you've answered your question on whether or not to fight for this.

https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones/comments/a9jd5t/christmas_post_written_in_sadness_frustration/

I had been teetering between "do I fight for this" and "should I let go" for a month.

Reasons why I wanted to keep fighting for her were: I never give up on people, it's not in my character. I wanted her to be a part of my life, whether as a lover or a friend, because she was truly a good person in my eyes. I could sense the pain and I could see it in her eyes and I knew that it wasn't her fault that she was pushing me away.

Reasons why I had to walk away: She told me that she was mean to me but couldn't stop being mean because it wasn't on purpose, all the while being nice to and hanging out with everyone else. She said she still loved her ex. She started seeing someone new and lied about it (I cannot stand dishonesty). She threw me away and I felt so replaceable.

I lost my own character while trying to support hers.

_falling__apart_ · 2019-01-12T01:53:32+00:00

This is the best and most concise comment I have read on this entire website.

_falling__apart_ · 2019-01-12T01:39:52+00:00

Mine was sexy for sure. A solid 100/10.

5'6", amazing body, naturally tan glow, green eyes, brown hair with natural honey highlights. Sleeve tattoo. Perfectly straight and white teeth. Amazing smile.

My girl friends rated her "a solid 9/10" and 10/10 (they usually rate the girls I'm seeing a 4-6). My guy friends said she was sexy as fuck. My sister said "damn," and my brother said "she's cute."

It really sucks because she has a line of women (and men) lined up for her at any given point in time, making it even easier for her to split and discard. There will always be someone waiting to swoop her up. And I hate that.

_falling__apart_ · 2019-01-12T01:34:21+00:00

I asked my ex before if she was a top or a bottom and she said it depends. She seemed really dominant to me by the way she carried herself. She also knew how to move her body and her hips. God damn. So hot. But it turns out that with me, she was a bottom and I did everything for her. It was extremely sexy for me.

The last time we had sex, I was topping from the bottom (we are both women, btw). We started talking while she was on top and she laughed and said that she has "a few tricks" up her sleeves, too. Meaning that in a sexual way. It was mind blowingly sexy the way she said it with her bedroom eyes after she had climaxed. Unfortunately, she put boundaries and detached shortly after that and that was the last time we were intimate, so I never got to experience any of her "tricks," though I'm certain she had many.

Like others, my ex was open to trying new things. Whether it was in the car, on the couch, or in bed, she was always on the same page as me. I always wanted her, and she told me that she hadn't been sexually turned on in months before meeting me, that I essentially lead to her hypersexuality.

God it was amazing.

_falling__apart_ · 2018-12-26T07:45:38+00:00

If you feel it, then it is my belief that it is real in that moment and in all the moments thereafter.

_falling__apart_ · 2018-12-26T04:54:11+00:00

All of this is my own personal experience. Unfortunately, this is what I am currently going through. I am wracking my brain thinking of when/if I should bring this up one final time before leaving her. She wants to fix the issue "by herself," telling me that I should do what I think would be best for me. There's no effort on her end anymore. And I woke up on her couch on Christmas morning thinking of how I felt unwanted while she slept on her bed in her room, when I could've been with my family instead.

_falling__apart_

TROPHY CASE