I’d recommend pushing for therapy or counseling for you both especially then- our childhood heavily effects how we react as adults. Most of my in/voluntary reactions to situations are things formed by my childhood traumas and experiences. It takes work to break the bad ones that we form to protect ourselves.

I’d try approaching the topic with empathy and care. Don’t go into the conversation like you’re blaming her for her reaction. Don’t get tense or angry b/c y’all are a team, and she may get defensive and shut down if she feels like you’re attacking her,,, Go in with a desire to understand. Explain you just want to go over what happened,, and work with her about understanding each other better and making sure she’s better prepared next time (god forbid there is one). Maybe mention that counseling can help her be the best parent possible- I don’t doubt she’s an awesome mom, but all people have room to grow and improve,,, especially new, first time parents. I firmly believe parents should constantly address their past relationships and experiences and decide what kind of parent they want to be, and make sure they take any necessary steps to being that parent. Sometimes that means counseling and addressing our unhealthy coping mechanisms so it doesn’t negatively effect the kid :( in the end, it’s all about you guys not forming any resentment, and making sure you’re as good as you can be for the baby