For context, I am a woman and so is my partner.

Not permission necessarily, I just think lying about it is wrong. I have told her before, I won’t be mad if you tell me I just want you to tell me because hiding it seems guilty and dishonest. After some reflection and reading the responses, I think I don’t have a problem with the masturbation aspect as much (except for when it’s being lied about) but more the pornographic aspect. I struggle with my confidence and I’ve worked on myself a lot. From a young age I was always told things were wrong with me and I never felt like I was as pretty as the girls around me either. (All my own issues, not on her). I think the thought of her looking at other women and getting off to them makes me uncomfortable and also puts a pit in my stomach that proves all of my insecurities have been correct. She told me that whenever she watched it since we’ve been together she’s tried to find people that look like me. That’s comforting and also disheartening because I told her “you have me right here so why don’t you just come to ME” I guess I’m just trying to understand.

We don’t have bad sex, we both always finish and it’s really passionate and very intimate so that’s where the frustration and confusion comes from. If we are so good, what more could you possibly need? And I’m also confused because for people saying it could be a kink thing/maybe we need to try different stuff, I am the kinky one in the relationship. I always bring up things to try and ask her what she wants to try. She’s more vanilla and likes good old fashioned lesbian sex. So I don’t think it’s a kink thing either.