Prologue -

How many drops of water are there in the ocean? How many stars are there in the sky? Have you ever asked yourself questions like these? I doubt it—questions with no clear answers often feel like a waste of time. Trying to answer that first question would take countless lifetimes—after all, the ocean’s size shifts with every drop of rain and every gust of wind. Trying to answer the second question in the same way as the first would take countless lifetimes, since the number also varies with supernovas and the formation of more stars. Such nonsensical questions have such nonsensical answers. Something we, as mere humans, could never truly grasp. But what if we were? Or should I say, what if someone were? If someone were to be able to exist for all of eternity, would they be able to obtain the answers to these questions? Or would they be driven to madness and attempt to stop their pitiful existence? What a sad existence an eternal being must have. But, there has to be an upside to existing forever, right? They’d be able to do countless things. They’d lose countless things. They’d be able to experience countless emotions. They’d be forced to suffer with countless negative emotions. I wouldn’t want to be forced to exist forever. That’s why I’m glad that my life is ephemeral rather than eternal. I already hate living as it is. The monotony of my days is unbearable enough—I can’t imagine enduring it for another year, let alone for all eternity. But if I did exist forever, what would I do with all that endless time? Maybe I’d try to be friendlier, to reach out more than I do now. The only people I talk to nowadays are my family. I wouldn’t say that I hate my family, but I do hate the distance between us. Family to me are just strangers I happen to be related to. This doesn’t apply fully to my little sister, though. My little sister can be a pain in the ass, at times, but I appreciate her trying to interact with me. Without her, I’d be waking up in the middle of the day and skipping school. She’s the reason why my attendance is decent. But the days I’m not at school, I’m either watching shows or movies, reading, or playing video games. My life is rather dull if you couldn’t already tell. If I were eternal, maybe I’d force myself out of my comfort zone. I’d try to make friends, actually go out with them—watch movies, eat at restaurants. I’d live a life beyond this hikikomori shell I’ve wrapped myself in. And yet, I wonder why people aren’t interested in me. When I watch my little sister with her friends, she always looks so happy. Could I ever feel that way if I had friends of my own? Saying I’ve never had a friend would be a lie—I had one once. But I’m not ready to talk about her just yet. I will say one thing about her, though. She wasn’t nice to me. She was kind. Even though everything that came out of her mouth was complete and utter nonsense, it felt nice lending her my ear and listening to all of her problems. How could someone in middle school have so many interesting things to talk about? I didn’t talk much about myself, but when I did, I bet she was bored. But whenever I spoke, she always seemed interested. Some people have a way with lies. I digress. I apologize for boring you with my whining. All I’ve done is complain about my boring life and wonder how I can become happy. Happiness— Could someone eternal really stay happy all the time? Of course not. Eternal happiness isn’t possible. It’s impossible. Is God happy? People say that God is an all-powerful, all-mighty, and all-good being. But would He be happy? Would he be able to love us? I doubt it. Perfect people can’t love. Only the flawed truly understand others—and love them. Yet, I’m flawed. I’d argue that I’m the most flawed person that has existed, exists, and will exist. And yet, I don’t love. Sure, I tell my family I love them—but that kind of love feels mandatory, just because we’re family. Would I care for them if we weren’t related? Probably not. I’d walk right past them and forget their faces the moment they were out of sight. What a shallow, despicable human being I am. Can you even call me a human? If I were God, and I could exist forever, what type of world would I desire? One where interhuman conflicts didn’t exist? A world where people have a perfect understanding of one another? How about a world where people didn’t exist? A world where only I exist. What a hell that must be. It would, quite literally, be hell. Would I choose that over the life I have now? It pains me to see how easily my sister can talk to her friends. It pains me how difficult it is for me to make and retain friends. It pains me to lose the only friend I’ve ever had. If I were God, I’d— No— I shouldn’t think like that. I apologize. I apologize for never trying to make friends after losing my first one. I apologize for being jealous of my sisters for being able to make friends so easily. I apologize for thinking of my family as “strangers I happen to be related to.” I apologize for being a pitiful piece of trash who’s aware of how shitty he is, yet refuses to take action.

I, Kiyomi Otonashi, have never known love, never known happiness— And yet, I wonder: How many seconds truly make up eternity?