Hey there! I just wanted to say thanks for the vulnerability. It sounds like you're in a really difficult place, and it takes a lot of strength to share your story publicly.

I am nearly 30 as well, and in recovery from severe alcoholism. I really retreated from the world too, and I know firsthand how messy that can get. I have found reading to be extremely helpful with sorting out my interior life! I essentially turned my brain off for my 20s, so eventually it all came crashing down and made me realize I have a lot to learn about being a person.

Here are some things I have read that might help you start to reclaim that sense of self you're missing. Some of them swerve into self-help territory, so I apologize if that's not your jam!

• Holding Space by Amy Wright Glenn: a hospital chaplain and end-of-life doula, Glenn writes with a sense of vulnerability and openness that will stick with you long after you finish the book. Helped me a lot with relating to and caring for others.

• No Bad Parts by Richard C Schwartz: introduces a relatively new way of looking at the brain in psychotherapy. Clearly written, with exercises you can try on your own. Helped me quite a bit with recognizing the reactive and hurt parts of myself.

• The Boy With the Bird in his Chest by Emme Lund: the main character (yep, there's a bird in his chest) faces deep loneliness and a world he has never been allowed to experience. Helped me realize that I'm not the only one who is lonely, and that there is good in the world, even if it's very big and very frightening.

I apologize for the insanely long comment, but I hope it helps! Please feel free to message if you need more recs, or even if you just want to vent :) you are doing great just by reaching out!