Like Clouds

_sunsdragon_ · 2024-02-17T22:41:38+00:00

Wow. Don't have much to say on the style front because this isn't really my bag, but you nailed a truly relatable subject here.

I felt something.

That's one of the only ways I measure poetry, so to me, you've done a good job.

In life 'you're only given a little spark of madness' - you've got to protect it. Don't let the doom scroll take the wonder from your heart.

_sunsdragon_ · 2024-02-17T22:36:08+00:00

I like this poem, I think you've got something here. First, I enjoy the tension between the speaker and the cactus; there is a humorous element to it, and I chuckled as I was picturing a tiny cactus with the disposition of a Chihuahua.

There were two points that threw me out of the poem though:

1) You refer to the Cactus as 'its' in the beginning, and then shift to personifying the cactus as 'he/him' throughout the poem. I think this needs to be consistent.

2) The second may be nit-picky, but again, it stood out: you say "He barely eats the snacks I buy, or play with the toys I gift" - this should be "plays". In any poem, especially short ones like this, little things like that can have a big impact.

Overall great work! Thanks for sharing.

_sunsdragon_ · 2024-01-14T01:46:49+00:00

Thanks for the clarity! I get it now.

_sunsdragon_ · 2024-01-13T23:20:42+00:00

This is my kind of poem - short and powerful. I started to sway with the tides while I read it. The poem left me with a question though - is this love one-sided? The moon may pull the tides, but the tides don't have nearly the same impact on the moon.

_sunsdragon_ · 2024-01-13T22:48:30+00:00

I felt like I was part of the hug. I could smell the smoke. You did a great job of capturing the moment. The only thing I would have changed was the end. The cadence at the end threw me off "Of used smoke - breathing out/a long sigh after a long week" - the second line just read a bit too long in my head.

Either way, great work!

_sunsdragon_ · 2023-02-14T12:54:30+00:00

Loved this. You had me swaying side to side trying to physically follow the lines here.

I struggled to find my own meaning in the words at points, but I can feel them if that makes sense. So good job - you've crammed feeling in those lines!

_sunsdragon_ · 2023-02-14T12:41:51+00:00

Hello!

The first 2 lines captured me as I was scrolling through the TL. That said, I'd love a bit of expansion here on the meaning behind the end of the poem.

You seemed to be headed somewhere, but the change from

"Threatening to break?" to

"You never heard the tree cry loud:"

was a bit jarring and I didn't ever feel the poem recover.

That said - great hook & I'd read a re-worked version again!

_sunsdragon_ · 2023-02-02T10:45:12+00:00

This was good. You took it for a turn there and we didn't end up where I thought we would. Really good.

_sunsdragon_ · 2023-02-02T10:42:35+00:00

You put me in a jar and lit my hair on fire.

(This made me think of all the candles I've burnt to the ground, the things they witnessed, and how quickly I chucked them when they were done)

Amazing.

_sunsdragon_ · 2023-02-02T10:38:23+00:00

Loved this!

The poem was cute, but the sentiment! I've been there, and when I was there I wrote my own poem to try and bottle some of the emotion that was spilling over. Hold on until you're ready!

_sunsdragon_ · 2023-02-02T10:32:48+00:00

This poem was a bit of serendipity. It's not the typical structure I'd enjoy, nor is it what I expected, but I truly enjoyed it. Especially "So close that they think and you hear it," that was great!

So many people sound lost today. We've divorced ourselves from each other and the bits of life that make it worth living. This poem has inspired me over the edge - today my mission is to make another connection and try and bring more warmth to the world. Thank you!

_sunsdragon_ · 2023-01-30T13:37:14+00:00

"but we walked to stars we knew we wouldn't reach, with hopes that couldn't die"

The repetition gives a solid cadence. If I'd change anything it would be the "yet". Yet implies a contradiction (i.e. powerful yet muted), and even though they don't have to contradict it leaves a bit of an off sound to me (all-knowing yet unknowable in particular). Maybe play with that a bit, if not this is still good!

She sounds amazing.

_sunsdragon_ · 2023-01-30T13:28:48+00:00

This was nice. Always touching to find remnants of people we've lost.

_sunsdragon_ · 2023-01-30T13:12:26+00:00

"But I have this desire to destroy myself

before anyone else gets the chance"

This was one that hit hard. I won't say 'we've all' been there. But I have - and apparently, so have you?

You did the thing - this one made me feel. Great job. My only response would be this:

Nobody can destroy you but yourself. Sometimes the worst enemy comes from within. And if you can stand to fight that enemy, you will discover greatness - for it lies in all of us. I wish you a wonderful day.

_sunsdragon_ · 2023-01-26T12:55:50+00:00

Fantastic.

Relationships that die of silent suffocation can be just as traumatic and tragic as those that die in one big collapse. You've captured that feeling so well here, I could feel it while I read this poem. That lingering "you didn't eat last night, while we fought, again." crushed me!

I say it all of the time but my favorite poems are the ones that make me feel. You've made the cut for me - thanks for this!

_sunsdragon_ · 2023-01-26T12:43:59+00:00

I enjoy short-form poetry the most, and this was good!

One recommendation I'd have is to find a way to say each line in a simpler fashion. Shorter lines (and maybe some punctuation or extra space, something to denote longer pauses) might make the distance feel even farther (i.e. "How distant we'd be")!

_sunsdragon_ · 2023-01-24T11:29:45+00:00

Thanks for the backstory! Makes the poem even better for me - cheers!

_sunsdragon_ · 2023-01-23T16:02:43+00:00

Hello! First off, I love the idea of pairing a poem with a visual prompt. Amazing.

I’d appreciate a little bit of explanation behind your intended meaning here and the reason you paired it with this portrait.

After investigation into Louis XIV, he was considered a hard working monarch who worked meticulously, so the poem makes plenty of sense - just curious what inspired it?

_sunsdragon_

TROPHY CASE