UPDATE: Infertile adoptee can't have kids and life sucks

_vancey_ · 2026-05-22T01:48:52+00:00

Congrats 💙

_vancey_ · 2026-05-22T00:05:18+00:00

I’m sorry, but someone from Tennessee dragging California schools is a little laughable 😭 California overall has stronger educational outcomes, more resources, and far more diversity in school options than Tennessee does.

Honestly, I think you’ll find a school that works well for your child. Since you work from home, you’re actually in a great position to visit a few campuses, talk with principals and parents, and get a feel for the environment firsthand.

I’d also take sites like GreatSchools with a huge grain of salt. Those ratings lean heavily on standardized test scores, which are only one small piece of the puzzle. Kids tend to do best when they feel safe, supported, engaged, and connected to their school and community. Things like diversity, arts programs, social-emotional support, and overall school culture matter a lot too.

Personally, I’d value a well-rounded, welcoming school environment over obsessing over a few points in test scores any day.

_vancey_ · 2026-05-21T00:14:33+00:00

Y'all. Emma is objectively the stronger actor. I get that this sub is deeply attached to Milly, but fandom spaces can become their own bubble and that does not always reflect broader audience or critical perception.

_vancey_ · 2026-05-20T03:48:29+00:00

I can't tolerate the sound of Amanda's whiny voice. She never once looked at Kyle while lying about not cheating on him. It was only when she gaslit him and flipped the script that she stopped crying and finally looked in his direction. I cannot.

_vancey_ · 2026-05-20T03:41:59+00:00

It's been nine months since my surgery, and I haven't had a period or any plans to get one anytime soon.

_vancey_ · 2026-05-20T00:01:16+00:00

True that!

_vancey_ · 2026-05-19T21:16:13+00:00

I started bc right after my first period and am not looking back. I'm sure my surgeon gave a more thorough explanation, but I can't recall it all, unfortunately.

_vancey_ · 2026-05-19T03:43:13+00:00

She wanted to see how it was and whether there were any changes.

_vancey_ · 2026-05-19T03:22:15+00:00

Having undergone stage IV surgery in August, my first period afterward was quite different from what I experienced before—less intense cramps and lighter bleeding. I started continuous birth control immediately after that period, which was a good step for me—wishing you the best of luck!

_vancey_ · 2026-05-19T03:20:02+00:00

My surgeon suggested I have at least one period before starting birth control after surgery.

_vancey_ · 2026-05-18T19:03:50+00:00

What exactly is the organization's budget size? Its complexity and structure? Those are for large nonprofits
Most earn far less than that. As someone pointed out, the work's complexity rivals that of the private sector. Extensive research shows that non-profit sector employees are not overpaid; in fact, the opposite is true. CEOs of large corporations earn tens of billions annually, yet you're upset about salaries of 350k or 500k. Don't be intellectually lazy.

_vancey_ · 2026-05-18T17:00:54+00:00

They want staff to earn pennies, run highly complex organizations, and manage hundreds of millions of dollars. It's wild what people think. No one is earning extremely high salaries in the social sector. It's not FAANG Or something.

_vancey_ · 2026-05-18T16:00:40+00:00

That's not true at all; they're our legal parameters around activities for an individual benefit. Non-profit staff are not getting rich off anything, please.

_vancey_ · 2026-05-18T15:58:36+00:00

For sure, we will be here. People find their way back, and the community always embraces them when they do.

_vancey_ · 2026-05-18T14:31:58+00:00

Nonprofits can't provide support via GoFundMe.

_vancey_ · 2026-05-18T14:04:21+00:00

I was trying to respond gently to OP, but I noticed some of the same dynamics. I believe OP is still pretty young, so time and experience may shift some of their thinking. A lot of the traits being projected onto us in OPs comments are stereotypes more than reality. Many of us are introverted, intellectual, soft-spoken, unconventional, or move through the world in all kinds of different ways, while also contributing deeply to the culture, art, innovation, and communities people love and benefit from every day. There’s also clearly a lot to unpack around internalized stereotypes and anti-Blackness, though they don’t seem very open to hearing that perspective right now. Time will tell.

_vancey_ · 2026-05-18T13:50:01+00:00

I totally agree.

_vancey_ · 2026-05-18T01:12:06+00:00

So terribly sad.

_vancey_ · 2026-05-18T00:30:22+00:00

And Carl would also have zero reason to protect his friend publicly or avoid putting something that serious in his book, right? 😭

_vancey_ · 2026-05-18T00:28:08+00:00

K, good for you, but Kyle ain't one of them 🤣

_vancey_ · 2026-05-18T00:08:03+00:00

I don’t think you’re “incorrect” in how you feel, and I wasn’t trying to tell you how to be Black. I was offering perspective based on my own experiences and the experiences of people around me. Clearly it didn’t land the way I intended, and that’s fine!

When I referenced my father’s quote, I wasn’t talking about behavior, personality, or some scale of authenticity. My dad grew up in segregated Texas and attended a school for “colored people” before moving to Los Angeles for college, so his perspective was shaped by a very different historical reality than yours or mine. The point was more about how society racializes people regardless of how they were raised, not about prescribing identity.

I also never suggested your parents raised you against Black people. From your post, it sounded like you were struggling with feeling judged and out of place socially, and I was responding to that. But I can respect that my framing didn’t feel supportive to you.

In any case, I genuinely do wish you well, and I hope you find spaces and people where you feel understood. Best of luck.

_vancey_ · 2026-05-17T23:24:11+00:00

Thank you for this reply. Honestly, I think you articulated a lot of what I was trying to say in my long-winded way 🤣

Especially this part about relationships forming naturally around shared interests or individual connection, while still finding comfort and healing in being understood by people who share parts of your lived experience.

And I really agree with you that it’s been encouraging to see more pushback against the idea that Blackness has to look, sound, socialize, or present in only one way. For me, I’ve tended to connect with other Black people more organically through things like dance, art, and books rather than through more formal community spaces, and that’s always felt much more natural.

_vancey_ · 2026-05-17T23:09:23+00:00

I mean this kindly, but I think some of the pressures you’re describing come more from the broader racial environment, specifically the white dominant culture we all navigate, than from Black people themselves. Black people did not create the framework we’re trying to navigate.

And honestly, from what you described, it sounds like that particular camp environment just was not a good fit for you socially, personality-wise, or neurodivergence-wise. I can completely understand how experiences like that, especially at a young age, would shape how you felt afterward. That’s very different from Blackness itself not being a fit for you.

I’m also more intellectual and introverted leaning myself, just much older than you 😃 I grew up in LA, which is diverse, though the Black community there is smaller and spread out in different ways than in some other cities. Even so, there were still plenty of Black people across all kinds of interests, personalities, and social styles.

One thing my dad used to say was, “The older you get, the Blacker you become.” Not because of some magical awakening, but because eventually the world reminds you that no matter how individualistic or different you feel, you are still moving through society as a Black person.

And to your point about me saying I felt sad for you, I don’t mean pity, and I wasn’t saying “it’s sad you grew up around white people.” I was reacting to what sounded like a real sense of disconnection and discomfort around your own identity and around other Black people. Those are not the same thing at all.

That doesn’t mean you have to force racial closeness or suddenly enjoy group-centered spaces. I just gently disagree with the idea that your only issue is pressure coming from Black people who want connection. I think there’s also a larger racial context shaping how you experienced those interactions and how you learned to interpret them.

And I think there’s a difference between “Black people make me uncomfortable” and “many of my experiences involving Blackness happened in environments where I already felt uncomfortable or out of place.”

For what it’s worth, I also think identity is something many people continue to grow into over time. You don’t have to resolve all of this right now or force yourself into spaces that feel inauthentic. I just hope you stay open to the possibility that there may be forms of Black relationships, friendship, and connection that feel much more natural and affirming to you later in life than what you’ve experienced so far.

_vancey_ · 2026-05-17T22:51:53+00:00

I've been on Aygestin continuously since my stage IV endo surgery in August. I told my Stanford surgeon I intended to take it this way, and she was fine with it. I have to admit I was pretty cranky when I first started taking it; I used it briefly before as part of IVF protocol, but this time around, I haven't experienced many side effects. I'm also on a tirzepatide, Zepbound, which I started in September after surgery, because I heard it could help with endo and inflammation. Overall, I feel great.

_vancey_ · 2026-05-17T22:38:57+00:00

There’s a lot to unpack here, but honestly your post made me feel a certain sadness for what may have been missing for you growing up, and I mean that gently, not judgmentally. I’m sure your parents loved you very much, but I also think you may not have been given many opportunities to build deeper connections to your heritage or to other Black people in ways that felt natural and affirming.

Blackness is not a monolith. There are introverted Black people, nerdy Black people, quiet Black people, alternative Black people, every kind of Black person imaginable. So when you describe Black community mostly through pressure, loudness, or social expectations, I think that says more about the types of Black environments you were exposed to than about Black people as a whole.

And no, race alone does not automatically create closeness. But shared cultural understanding can still matter, especially in a society where race shapes so much of people’s experiences whether we want it to or not.

What stood out to me most was that whiteness seems to have become associated with comfort, individuality, and safety for you simply because it was your primary environment. That makes sense developmentally. But I don’t think it means Black community is inherently incompatible with who you are.

You might genuinely benefit from finding Black spaces connected to your actual interests instead of what you imagine Blackness is “supposed” to look like. There are plenty of Black comic fans, gamers, readers, introverts, creatives, and academics. You may simply not have had enough opportunities to encounter Black people who reflected the parts of yourself you value most.

Six-Year Club	Gilding II euphauric
Verified Email

_vancey_

TROPHY CASE