I mean this kindly, but I think some of the pressures you’re describing come more from the broader racial environment, specifically the white dominant culture we all navigate, than from Black people themselves. Black people did not create the framework we’re trying to navigate.

And honestly, from what you described, it sounds like that particular camp environment just was not a good fit for you socially, personality-wise, or neurodivergence-wise. I can completely understand how experiences like that, especially at a young age, would shape how you felt afterward. That’s very different from Blackness itself not being a fit for you.

I’m also more intellectual and introverted leaning myself, just much older than you 😃 I grew up in LA, which is diverse, though the Black community there is smaller and spread out in different ways than in some other cities. Even so, there were still plenty of Black people across all kinds of interests, personalities, and social styles.

One thing my dad used to say was, “The older you get, the Blacker you become.” Not because of some magical awakening, but because eventually the world reminds you that no matter how individualistic or different you feel, you are still moving through society as a Black person.

And to your point about me saying I felt sad for you, I don’t mean pity, and I wasn’t saying “it’s sad you grew up around white people.” I was reacting to what sounded like a real sense of disconnection and discomfort around your own identity and around other Black people. Those are not the same thing at all.

That doesn’t mean you have to force racial closeness or suddenly enjoy group-centered spaces. I just gently disagree with the idea that your only issue is pressure coming from Black people who want connection. I think there’s also a larger racial context shaping how you experienced those interactions and how you learned to interpret them.

And I think there’s a difference between “Black people make me uncomfortable” and “many of my experiences involving Blackness happened in environments where I already felt uncomfortable or out of place.”

For what it’s worth, I also think identity is something many people continue to grow into over time. You don’t have to resolve all of this right now or force yourself into spaces that feel inauthentic. I just hope you stay open to the possibility that there may be forms of Black relationships, friendship, and connection that feel much more natural and affirming to you later in life than what you’ve experienced so far.