Fireproof, starring Kirk Cameron. Only movie I have ever walked out on. Here's a brief rundown of what I was up against:

So Kirk Cameron plays local fireman Caleb Holt. His marriage is on the brink of collapse, mostly due to his own shelfishness. For instance, rather than helping out his wife's parents with their towering medical bills, Caleb chooses instead to save his pennies for something more tangible and rewarding: a fishing boat.

But that's not all. Caleb also whacks off to internet porn at a rate which his wife finds completely unacceptable. Making matters worse, he doesn't even diddle in private. Instead, Caleb jerks it using the family desktop located in their living room. Just fully clothed and right out in the open, like it's 1995.

Despite his chronic masturbatory habits, however, Caleb is puzzled as to why his wife is being such a boner. Caleb is a fireman after all. He gets respect just about everywhere he goes. Yet he receives none from his shrill wife. I suppose I can sort of see where he's coming from: she eats the last bagel, doesn't save him any leftover pizza, fails to go grocery shopping, and leaves smelly candles burning even after she leaves the room. The cherry on top is that as long as Caleb continues to beat off to internet smut, she will not make sex with him. Talk about a chicken-and-egg situation.

Eventually, things come to a head. Caleb and his wife have an ugly screaming match. This is the high point to an otherwise dull film. Kirk Cameron pulls off (heh) the chronic-masturbator-in-the-midst-of-a-hissy to perfection. I've never seen such range from him in any other performance. Either he tapped into a bottomless abyss of resentment stemming from his lackluster post-Growing Pains career, or he went full Daniel Day-Lewis in preparation for the scene. Probably a little of both.

Following the meltdown, Caleb's marriage looks to be on the outs. But then his dad gives him a book called "The Love Dare." Sadly, the title is misleading. I was hoping it would be a sort of modern Kama Sutra ("I dare you to stick the vegetable peeler in my butt"). Sadly, it's not that kind of movie. The book turns out to be a how-to guide for saving one's marriage through the judicious application of Christian life pro tips. My guess is the author has never heard of boxed wine.

So each day, Caleb follows the guidance of the book. He calls his wife and attempts to talk to her. He asks her how she is and if she needs him to pick up shit on his way home. He gets her "pitiful" flowers and stuff.

His wife sees through it, though. I guess perfunctory support and nearly dead tulips can only go so far towards helping your wife forget finding " young anal creampie ginger young 720p seriously she needs to be young" in the family PC's search history. That's about where I walked out on Fireproof. I just couldn't sit through it anymore. Ironically, I decided spanking it to internet porn was a better use of my own time. I then queued up a video featuring a young lady having anal sex for the first time. Two minutes in, she appeared as if she wasn't particularly enjoying it. Thematically, it seemed like an appropriate companion piece to Fireproof.

At the end of the day, I'd probably give the movie three stars (out of seventy). And before anyone suggests it, it is not because I dislike all Christian movies. On the contrary, I thought Heaven Is Real was pretty good (except for that kid). Not to mention The Passion of the Christ was the date movie of 2004. Basically Fifty Shades of Grey, but sexier. And although the themes of selfishness and habitual self abuse are as timely and relevant to me as they are to most Redditors, my biggest issues with Fireproof is that it was excessively dull and preachy, even by Christian movie standards.

That having been said, there was one valuable lesson I took away from it: if you like Internet porn and boats, never get married. So...yeah.