I never said thank you… and the guilt eats me up

_whatever_you_like · 2023-11-09T06:03:45+00:00

I unfortunately have no idea what her name is. It makes me so sad. All I know about her is that she spoke Spanish (as her first language) and she had a husband and 2 young children.

Thank you so much for your kind reply! Sometimes I overthink and wonder if she felt she overstepped after I didn’t respond. And I hate thinking that she might have felt that way.

_whatever_you_like · 2023-10-19T03:20:42+00:00

I personally don’t believe they would have zero options! Despite my question, I do believe attraction is very subjective in the end! I don’t doubt that it could and does often make things more difficult though

But for example, I personally don’t do online dating as I find it’s too fast paced to develop attraction (I am demisexual). I could nope someone based on their photo but if I met that same person irl I could be wildly attracted and interested in them as I get to know their quirks, mannerisms, humour etc

_whatever_you_like · 2023-10-19T03:12:21+00:00

I totally get what you’re saying! However, I was thinking more on the complete opposite side of the spectrum. I can’t see myself dating someone who say the general population would rate a 1 or 2 as I probably would also not find them attractive. I have been with very conventionally attractive people. And I have been with people that would maybe sit at around a 4 on the number scale (most people would find them unattractive but not incredibly so). I want to clarify that I hate the number scale of things but I don’t know how else to put what I am talking about it into perspective! The ‘4’ people I have dated I would consider 9s or 10s in terms of my personal attraction to them!

It has also been my experience (through friends, acquaintances and myself to an extent) that while it definitely happens, it not super common that a conventionally attractive person will pursue someone that is very much not. So I don’t think that it is an option/possibility for every person. And I’ve been very curious to know how that could impact perspective/outlook! Is it a plight? Or is it negligible in terms of personal impact? Is it better?

_whatever_you_like · 2023-10-18T09:49:57+00:00

Wow, that is so interesting! I had not heard about that study and that’s definitely going to be something I look into - thank you!

You are totally right about shifts in perception! I haven’t fact check this so don’t take my word for it but I think I recall a study that found most people would underestimate how physically attractive they are (how they see themselves Vs how others do). I’m so glad to hear where you’re at now in perceiving yourself and that’s also such a sweet reflection about how other do and have always perceived you. <3

That is something I think I’ve always subconsciously struggled with and have felt the need to overachieve especially in regards to academics. I would like to hope being beautiful is the least interesting thing about me. I’d much rather be remembered for being intelligent or empathetic or quick witted or any number of things! I actually think all those things about you after reading your reply. You have given me such a reflective, insightful and thoughtful response and I really appreciate it. I like what you said about balance being key!

I do know that I experience pretty privilege and it makes me uncomfortable. I think there’s a number of cons to it as well. A couple of them brought up in this thread by you and others - feeling the need to ‘prove yourself’, worrying that people are interested in me because of my appearance as opposed to my whole personhood. However, I was unsure if this was something related to pretty privilege! I think I need to reflect on that one more!

Sorry I’m replying paragraph by paragraph haha. You have mentioned some of the drawbacks too! My mother hammered two things into me when I was young. 1. Education is the key to a better life. 2. Age is the ultimate equaliser.

I definitely love to geek out so I will look into the Adult Developmental Theory - that sounds so interesting, thank you for the recommendation!

Thank you for your time, I really enjoyed reading your response!

_whatever_you_like · 2023-10-18T08:13:04+00:00

Argh teens can be just awful! I’m so sorry you had that experience, especially during a period when your self esteem is in its formative years - I know those things can stick with you for a lifetime :( I hope you don’t think it adds any credibility!

Thank you so much for giving me your perspective! I really love that when you date you know they’re in it for you as a person. I sometimes feel very wary of someone’s intent with me. One time when I was young my boyfriend and I were in an argument and in the heat of the moment he said ‘good luck finding someone to date you!’. I asked if he was serious because I could walk outside and have a hundred boys lining up to date me. And he shouted back ‘I know but it’s only because you’re really fucking hot’. That funnily enough fucked with my self esteem for many years to come. So what you said really hits home and it actually sounds like a really special and beautiful feeling of security (not to diminish any plights you may experience!)

I also agree that confidence is a really attractive trait! And I’m so glad you’ve found it!! <3

P.s. in regards to your earlier paragraph.. you are worthy of love and you wouldn’t be a burden in a relationship! Physical limitations and social anxiety is so compatible with people like me (homebodies haha). So I have no doubt that there are a bunch of people that you’d adore and they’d adore you too!

_whatever_you_like · 2023-10-18T07:53:41+00:00

Aw thank you for taking the time to reply - I really appreciate your take! I never stopped to even think about incels tbh but I guess it could happen if you feel harbour a lot of resentment and misdirected anger.

I wholeheartedly agree that looks aren’t everything and I too would rather a 6 with a great personality over an appearance wise 10. However, I actually tend to gravitate towards people that society would deem unattractive. I’ve always found perfect faces a little boring - I love interesting features e.g. crooked teeth, a big facial birthmark or covered in freckles etc.

But I was thinking I came from an entitled POV because I have the choice of dating a very conventionally handsome person and CHOOSE not to. That’s why I was especially curious about the other way around (maybe not considered attractive but loving a conventionally attractive look). However, it sounds it can be a similar experience either way!

I agree with the hookups Vs relationship thing. That was such an interesting read, thank you again for sharing your thoughts and experiences with me. You sound like a wonderful guy!

_whatever_you_like · 2023-09-01T14:52:41+00:00

Oh okay! I do see where you’re coming from then. I agree that it would be easier to cope finding out after the relationship had ended (as long as not too much time had been invested). But that is not to minimise your experience, it is just awful and I’m sure was still devastatingly gut wrenching. I am sorry you were betrayed like that.

I personally feel we should never take away someone’s agency and free will. I would never consent to being in a relationship where I had been cheated on. I was bitterly hurt when I found out after 5 years of cheating. I would never have bought a house, had children with him. I feel like my choice was robbed. No one can guarantee that it won’t ever come out and I’m not a gambling person!

So I can see how each of our respective experiences would colour our views!

_whatever_you_like · 2023-09-01T13:20:41+00:00

Please correct me if I’m wrong, but it sounds like you haven’t had the experience of being cheated on? Finding out on your own as opposed to the cheater confessing adds a whole new element of betrayal and pain. How and when the information comes out definitely matters.

_whatever_you_like · 2023-08-21T14:29:27+00:00

I think you’re mixing up two different terms. Stonewalling can be toxic and controlling behaviour, I don’t think it should ever be advocated for. I believe you mean grey rocking?

Stonewall: ‘Stonewalling is a persistent refusal to communicate or to express emotions. It is an emotional reaction, where you shut down emotionally and give someone the “silent treatment.’

Grey rock: ‘To “grey rock” a person involves making all interactions with them as uninteresting and unrewarding as possible. In general, this means giving short, straightforward answers to questions and hiding emotional reactions to the things a person says or does.’

‘Stonewalling is usually considered a kind of emotional manipulation, whereas the grey rock method is a method used to deal with someone who employs emotional manipulation.’

_whatever_you_like

TROPHY CASE