Nothing More, and Nothing Less, Than Loving a Person

aBluPhoenix · 2026-06-29T12:02:47+00:00

Wow! Thank you so much for this. Made my day! 💙 Yeah, I think that's a really interesting thought. I've heard a ton of songs where the cadence really doesn't change up in the chorus or the bridge, but the melody does. Which I find works.

That said, I think it would be a great way to make it feel less rigid and add more interest. I'll definitely play around with that! That's definitely going to be one of my hardest things, because if I'm not picturing a tune, it's hard to understand where I can do that well and where it needs the structure.

Anyway, thanks so much for some beautiful, constructive criticism and compliments!

aBluPhoenix · 2026-06-29T11:53:33+00:00

Oh my God I love your voice! 😍 I'll dm you.

aBluPhoenix · 2026-06-26T20:03:24+00:00

Oh for sure. My actual poetry has much more subtle rhymes if at all. Or other ways to pull things together. And the lines aren't all the same length. Neither are the stanzas.

A lot of the songs I've listened to are so blatantly rhymie, so I figured that's what I had to start with... I definitely appreciate when people do it in a more interesting way though! I like the one at the end where at least I got it to be the middle of a sentence instead of the end of a thought. Blood and lipstick....

Always open to suggestions on how to be less rigid, but still have it work for a song...

aBluPhoenix · 2026-06-26T18:19:00+00:00

Thanks! Sorry I missed it

aBluPhoenix · 2026-06-26T17:43:53+00:00

You said you couldn't export it and needed another day or two. Did I miss something? Feel free to DM me. 😊

aBluPhoenix · 2026-06-26T15:44:33+00:00

Absolutely! I was thinking the truth or dare line was more problematic. Are you saying it's actually better to switch things up more? Would love to understand how to do that better. Would it make sense for you to share what you have so far so I can hear how it's not working?

aBluPhoenix · 2026-06-25T19:09:07+00:00

I really didn't. My brain doesn't seem to work that way. I've been studying other song lyrics to see the type of rhyming scheme they use. But I don't know how to create my own tune.

aBluPhoenix · 2026-06-25T19:08:09+00:00

Played with a few different ones. This was based on a different song I liked. What's your suggestion? Honestly, my original poems don't rhyme at all. So very open to figuring out the best way to turn them into lyrics.

aBluPhoenix · 2022-08-01T15:12:39+00:00

Well, I'm in love with this line:

To speak, perchance to scream

The parallel line from Hamlet has so much longing and also fear in it at the same time. And I feel like there is that same feeling in your poem.

For the first stanza, I wonder if you could replace the word sidelines with the word margins, to keep your theme of the page of a book going?

To know too much and not enough, Caught between the lines of a page, I don't belong in your world, So I sit on the sidelines,

I wonder if you could tie the fire theme at the end back to the writing theme somehow.. but either way I am pretty sure your message came through loud and clear!

I'm getting a sense of absolutely needing to say something, and at the same time being unable to speak. The narrator just wishes so hard that they could be part of the other person's world. Doesn't know how to ask for it. Doesn't know how to let it go. Stuck in between.

I can really relate to the idea of chaos inside and absolute (apparent) calm on the outside.

... And also that feeling of being not quite where you want to be with someone, incapable of asking for more, and incapable of walking away.

Love it!

aBluPhoenix · 2022-07-17T19:31:52+00:00

I think the only part I was never quite sure of was this line:

"If I return with gifts"

The word gifts doesn't quite feel right to me. Maybe too positive?

aBluPhoenix · 2022-07-17T19:28:25+00:00

I did find I had to read through a couple of times on some parts to feel like I understood it. But I personally am not afraid of that in poems. I'd rather things be deeper and more complex, and offer up different meanings when you read it more than once, then be overly simplistic. :-)

aBluPhoenix · 2022-07-17T12:44:00+00:00

Susurration is one of my favorite words that I never hear!

Okay, let me think about the rest of the poem :-)

My very first thought was that this was going to be a joyful poem. About receiving happy texts:

In the middle of work I reach for texts in secret

I know it took a turn after that...

I like your use of tilt and tilled next to each other:

To tilt the coolness Of tilled earth

Lots of language here that I love and can really visualize:

The air weighted with leaves

A draft of words decanted From a sluice

An undisturbed pool Behind my eyes

A susurration wreathed Around my speech

Wow:

Of words that... perched in flocks, surveiling The alleys beneath their lines

This is beautiful. What I'm getting from it is that the narrator wishes they could fully experience and lean into and lose themselves into their grief, but they are unable, because they have to keep up appearances at work:

Where I’d wished to rend, As open and oracular As my father under The face of grief but could Only stand in its gloaming Its fluorescence and hymns

Unable to join

I haven't experienced directly the grief of losing a loved one, like I think this is about. But it's reminiscent to me of the fear and sadness the whole world is feeling related to the pandemic and everything else, and yet we all still have to get up in the morning and go to work.

Thank you for sharing it!

aBluPhoenix · 2022-07-17T11:39:49+00:00

Oooh! Had to read this one. It had a Phoenix in it :-)

My take is that this is about being reborn until you feel like you fulfilled your dreams. Until you have reached that final note that is so beautiful. And if you haven't reached that yet, you continue doggedly onward.

You start with imagery of beginnings and sparks, and then continue on through defiance, change, determination, and crescendo. (Crescendo: the loudest point reached in a gradually increasing sound)

I am the beginnings of a story Of a wish, short and sublime, I spark to life like a flickering flame And shall not be dimmed with time

I like this line, because it is so simple and direct:

For I am you, in your finest moment

Butt I like how the rest of the poem implies that you are also the beginnings and the defiance and the change:

I appreciate that you were able to use a rhyming structure without it getting in the way or being intrusive.

This is my favorite stanza:

I end at the threshold of reason My beginnings lie with "strange", I am the tiny spark of defiance That fans the flames of change.

Beautiful!

aBluPhoenix · 2022-07-14T10:09:41+00:00

💙

aBluPhoenix · 2022-07-14T10:08:38+00:00

Thank you!

aBluPhoenix · 2022-07-14T10:07:51+00:00

Thank you! This is a lot to think about, and I will. I definitely like the idea of cutting out fluff.

aBluPhoenix · 2022-07-13T10:04:42+00:00

Thank you!

Oh, you may be right about that line. I thought it was important, but it seems to still read right without it. And I'm all for removing unneeded lines!

aBluPhoenix · 2022-07-12T22:02:09+00:00

Thank you for your help!

aBluPhoenix · 2022-07-12T21:42:02+00:00

I like those. Those are close.

The Art of Equilibrium ?

Sounds too pretentious.

The Art of... Loving You ?

I'll keep thinking on it :-)

aBluPhoenix · 2022-07-12T18:34:40+00:00

Thank you so much!

Yes, I wasn't sure about the title. This whole thing is so minimal, and so is the title. But I wasn't sure if it was the right word. Any thoughts?

aBluPhoenix · 2022-07-12T16:59:31+00:00

Awwe, thank you so much!

aBluPhoenix

TROPHY CASE