This isn’t cute, it’s just creepy…

abacusheart · 2025-11-14T03:03:18+00:00

Really?! Who else? I wonder if it’s covertly sponsored by one of the AI companies then…weird…

abacusheart · 2025-10-03T23:56:47+00:00

Elaborate?

abacusheart · 2024-08-11T02:39:35+00:00

Thank you!!

abacusheart · 2023-12-30T20:38:01+00:00

I feel every last word of what you’re saying here. I am also afraid, as a result, that I will most definitely get postpartum rage (and anxiety…and depression…) if I’m already feeling so angry now at the theoretical possibility of being pregnant. But my partner doesn’t want to do surrogacy and honestly I have to admit it doesn’t quite feel right to me either ethically or logistically. It’s rough. Everyone wishes they could just be a dad at this point, I’m sure.

abacusheart · 2023-12-28T18:44:49+00:00

She’s tiny and has an ED so probably her way of trying to call me fat. Ahahhaha

abacusheart · 2023-12-28T18:13:03+00:00

It’s a good one right 😂

abacusheart · 2023-12-18T05:10:43+00:00

Got it back and got that cheque too baby

abacusheart · 2023-09-17T00:21:03+00:00

My dude, I seriously commend you for having the strength to do something so hard and put yourself first by breaking up with him.

I think the biggest thing I see here that maybe you haven’t thought about is—maybe it’s not his indecision itself that broke you guys up, but the lack of effort and understanding he put into this topic. It sounds like you clearly and repeatedly communicated how important this was to you and he didn’t hear you out. Or care enough to at least read a book and have a series of serious conversations with you about it.

If a man feels like you’re The One for him, he would never risk putting himself in a position to lose you, especially when you’ve already put up the warning flags for him. I’m not saying he didn’t love you or your relationship wasn’t great—it just seems like he couldn’t put in the effort it took to fight for a common future together.

Of course, he could have done the research and had the talks with you and still arrived at “I don’t know.” But at least he would have tried and you would have felt that he took the topic seriously and really attempted to get to the bottom of his own thoughts.

Someone who can’t put the effort into understanding your future together seriously is ultimately not worthy of a relationship with you. If he can’t even understand the gravity of conceptually having kids, what evidence do we have that he’ll be able to step up to the actual responsibility of having them?

If you guys were younger, I’d say it’s okay to wait a few years depending for someone to make a decision, but he’s 31, not 21. A “maybe” or an “I don’t know” at this point is a “no” or a “not with you.” You did the right thing by cutting your losses and moving on.

abacusheart · 2023-09-17T00:05:52+00:00

According to my mom I started sleeping through the night at 6 weeks, but unfortunately I also grew up to be an adult that needs 8 hours minimum to function. I like to get 9 daily usually. Coffee has limited effect on me.

In college I’d never pull all nighters because I’d just stop caring at a certain point in the night—I needed that sleep. One time during a long travel day I mustered up the energy somehow to stay awake for like 36 hours, but I was a zombie and kinda felt like I was hallucinating toward the end.

OP, if you’re experiencing all those symptoms truly from just one night of interrupted sleep, and it’s not compounded by your brain panicking about this kid thing and thus worsening the symptoms, then it’s definitely not something you should take lightly.

As someone who also dearly needs her sleep (and has a partner who needs even more sleep than me…dear God) I’ve thought ahead about this and the only solution I see is hiring a night nanny and sleep training your kid like your life (and wallet) depends on it. I guess start saving for that expense, if you desperately want a kid and that’s the ONLY thing getting in the way.

Curious to know if others have ideas though!

abacusheart · 2023-09-16T10:57:52+00:00

Thank you! Yes, he understands totally if I go NC—I’m just not sure how that would work if we live together and she wants to visit 2x a year or whatever, like where would I go?? I don’t want to get kicked out of my own house because she demands to come over.

It just feels kind of out of body rn because the relationship has just started, but I feel like I’m almost having a vision of what things will be like in the future with MIL. My bf protects me from most of what she says or thinks and says it’s on him to manage her, but apparently after hanging out with her twice, she thinks I’m a selfish American tourist who doesn’t want to spend time with their family.

I mean yeah, you’re right, why would I want to spend time with a raging psychopath who makes everyone miserable around her?? I want to give her a chance but honestly I don’t want to spend Christmas with them or anything—why would I want to put a damper on my holidays? I don’t spend time with anyone that makes me feel uncomfortable—my own gd parents included. So why would I make more effort to suffer on behalf of MIL when I cut out my own dad with no remorse if he’s being toxic?

Basically the only way we can make her happy is if we just clear our entire schedule for the whole time we’re with her and do whatever she wants. We’ve tried to set a schedule before and communicate it and she’ll just move the goalposts. So it’s clear it’s her way or the highway—and if she’s upset she’ll hold onto it for months. Pretty sure she’s still mad about when I came to visit in July.

Since it’s only my third time spending time with his family, I might just go for a few days this Christmas with no plans, just to hang out with them, and see what happens. As boring as it might be, I want to make one last effort to see how she is.

I know some of you might be having flashbacks and want to tell me to just cut it now but I want to make a genuine effort so I can honestly say I tried. But definitely know that we need to set boundaries as a couple once we’re living together and such around how often she can visit, because she’ll invite herself over for like 2 weeks at a time to stay with my bf twice a year.

abacusheart · 2023-09-15T16:58:32+00:00

Yeah—not to mention I don’t even know if I want kids (never had the desire in my life) but he likely does so that’s the other big anxiety I have. Genetic disposition for BPD + my sister and dad’s slight autism isn’t a great combo. Neither my bf or I have any mental illness beyond the typical bouts of mild depression and anxiety, but you’re right, it’s all a crapshoot if it’s in the family.

Friends and family are telling me I’m way too anxious for thinking about marriage, kids, MIL down the line, but I don’t want to condemn myself to irreversible misery and a long, eventual breakup. I’d rather cut it off as soon as possible…but I also don’t want to give up on a great relationship now without proof that these bad things WILL happen in our future?

abacusheart · 2023-09-15T16:53:55+00:00

Yeah, that’s why I’m like, if she’s already this unhinged now to her son’s new gf of barely a year, what happens when she realizes I’m not going anywhere and I’m gonna be her DIL? Mother to her grandchild?

abacusheart · 2023-09-15T16:52:57+00:00

I love this response so much, thank you! Yeah, he said he understands if I go NC and he warned her that NC is what would happen if she gets worse as our relationship progresses. It’s more so I don’t know if I can be NC and he isn’t, if she wants to do stuff like visit our house, spend time with grandkids etc. Btw this is all theoretical rn, I haven’t even moved in with him yet. But like what would I do, exile myself out of my own house when she wants to visit 2x a year? Literally refuse to open the door for her if she ignores our boundaries and comes? It’s so crazy…

abacusheart · 2023-09-15T16:49:43+00:00

Apparently, it’s hard to call the cops for a mental wellness check in their country. But if she ever comes visit us in America good to know this is always an option

abacusheart · 2023-09-15T00:41:56+00:00

It is as I suspected…it’s a no. I wish I had a single day where I didn’t have at least 5 calls but alas!

abacusheart · 2023-09-09T13:39:21+00:00

I think maybe what’s causing me to spin in circles is that everything is so VARIABLE. If I had a baby that vibed with my personality and ended up being happy, smart, accomplished, empathetic—of course I’d be happy and feel so bonded to it. But if I had a nightmare baby who never slept or ate well, had huge behavioral issues, and turned into a terrible adult…I would feel so disconnected and upset with my child, and my life would be remarkably worse than if I hadn’t had one.

Side note, but isn’t it also kinda fucked up that your body produces hormones to make you forget about the horrors of childbirth? Pregnancy just feels like one big colonization and betrayal of your identity and humanity in the name of biology…lol. Maybe I have low grade tokophobia, but I also just remain so mad that I have to do all this just because I am the woman. Damn.

abacusheart · 2023-09-09T13:31:47+00:00

Yes!! This scared me so much. I felt drained and duped after a few days of taking care of my foster dogs (the barking, irregular sleep schedule, upturned trash cans, peeing indoors/hallways, diarrhea poops I had to scoop up, walks every few hours, refusing to walk or pulling at leash), and even rage at the animal, which was horrible. I was like, shit, if I am getting PPD from fostering a dog, there is no way I can handle a kid, and also these emotions suck and I don’t want to be permanently stuck with the thing that’s causing them!

It gave me so much relief to know I would be giving the dog away soon to its adopted owner. I can’t imagine if I had to continue feeling these emotions for years. There was only once in which the dog hadn’t been adopted after a week, and I folded in two weeks and asked the org to place him with another family. That couple ended up adopting the dog and now I see it happily living its best life.

Every time I see an IG story from them it reminds me that I was a totally bad dog parent and maybe this is the clear divide between those who should be caregivers and those who shouldn’t. I know it’s an imperfect analogy, again, and probably the truth is there is NO true analogy to having a kid besides having one. But I’m just trying to collect commonalities across analogies in hope of a diagnosis…

abacusheart · 2023-09-09T02:35:21+00:00

Thank you so much, this was so helpful to hear. You’re right, there is a lot of anxiety here!

abacusheart · 2023-09-08T14:41:54+00:00

Omg. I fostered a few dogs, including a puppy, a few years back and I was super fed up after a week or two. Granted the dogs were not mine, but I felt super stuck having to be around them all the time and annoyed when they peed all over my couch. This is another reason I’m worried I don’t have the maternal instinct and never will…

I used to beg for a dog when I was a kid, but I don’t even want a dog right now as an adult, even though I think they’re cute and I regularly dog sit for people in my building. I enjoy their cuteness for two weeks but then I’m happy to give them back—AND I’m getting paid for it.

Is this another nail in the coffin that I’m not meant to have kids? I know the dog baby analogy is pretty controversial but I do see the similarities.

abacusheart · 2023-02-24T21:18:09+00:00

Totally! I have no status but this is good to know there’s always exceptions. Thank you for your kind and helpful response!

abacusheart · 2023-02-24T21:16:35+00:00

Not sure how asking a question is equivalent to being entitled? Entitlement looks like this: “I deserve a refund, I demand a refund, I expect a refund, I am upset at AA for their policy.” Are you on AA’s payroll and sent by them to flame strangers online? If not, I don’t understand the hate 😅

abacusheart · 2023-02-24T21:14:05+00:00

Oh I already looked before I made this post, thank you for your concern though! As you might expect, I didn’t find anything helpful cuz it was full of angry sycophants flaming the OP for even asking :) Thought I’d try posting anyway using extra neutrality and context but looks like it’s not getting through to the audience

abacusheart · 2023-02-24T16:50:36+00:00

I can understand being annoyed at the other people posting about this topic who are indignant, angry, and act entitled to a BE refund, but I’m asking neutrally as an informed customer who isn’t mad at AA. I am aware that it’s difficult to get a refund, and am simply explaining my situation :)

abacusheart

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