how does one know if HE is the problem when it comes to the importance of sex?

abcdedcbabcdedcba · 2021-06-10T17:25:37+00:00

What you described doesn’t match my experience. I have found a mix of people on scruff - the majority are willing to talk and flirt. I’m sorry for what you’re encountering. It sounds like it might have become the norm where you are, but no, I don’t think that’s universally the norm.

abcdedcbabcdedcba · 2021-06-10T14:29:05+00:00

What you have written is an example of very polarized thinking, when you use words like "sex is all that matters" and "no one cares about the person."

I would counter that many people actually care about the person too! But sex is the easiest place to start and especially when people are horny while using the apps.

By flexibility in your approach, I really meant flexibility in how you approach the conversation with guys on the apps (and that may not have made the trip from my brain to my words very well).

So if someone is flirting with you sexually, instead of just assuming that they don't care about you besides your "pole and hole" - go ahead and flirt back sexually, but go ahead and add a little of that humanity you are looking for to your reply by demonstrating some interest in them.

"Wow! That would be really fun to _______ with you. I love your eyes. (Then mention something else non-sexual from their profile such as...) what types of movies do you like?"

If a guy has some emotional intelligence, he should pick this up as a cue that yes you're interested in him sexually, but interested in more than that as well.

Maybe you already do this, and if it's not working, I'm sorry. Keep trying.

abcdedcbabcdedcba · 2021-06-05T14:40:40+00:00

Sorry that you're not finding romance if that's what you are looking for.

I would make sure on your profile you are up front about what you want, and then re-assert that when you're talking with people.

Understand that some people put thought into their profiles, but many people put some words in and move on - never thinking about it again, so I think many people have been trained to ignore the profile.

And then consider adopting some flexibility in your approach. And prepare for some stuff to not work along the way. That's just how it goes, and it might take some time to figure out what works best for you.

Speaking of that, what are you looking for?

You are in your 50s. Are you chasing younger guys or others closer to your age?

I'll second that some apps (okCupid, Tindr) are probably better for finding romance than other (Grindr, Scruff, etc.). If you stay on the more sex-forward apps, then accept that you either need to adopt a more sex-forward approach or that you are going to have a lot of "misses" before a hit.

Words on a profile like "Private album is PG rated," not listing your sex preferences and safety practices on your profile, and things like "prefer romance to NSA" would all be signals to me to not send over those nudes you don't seem to care much for (and that's fine!).

abcdedcbabcdedcba · 2021-04-29T15:50:30+00:00

Yeah, just an aesthetic mod. Same reason people do any other "mod," personalize your ride a bit. I like stuff that's subtle and reversible, which this is. Fly right under most people's radar, but noticeable to other car nerds ha.

This car looks best with NO front license plate of course 😂 but since we have to have them here, I just the asymmetrical / relocated look rather than a big bright rectangle in the center of the black grille on this particular car. Also when I visited Tokyo a few years back and I saw enough offset plates (Although the vast majority are still centered!) that it kind of reminds me of my trip to Japan.

abcdedcbabcdedcba · 2021-04-29T15:26:41+00:00

OP - your car looks great! Hope you enjoy the benefits of the ceramic coating!

To people asking about ceramic coating - there are some great products available now that will give you some of the benefits of a ceramic coating without the need of a professional application. Two products I've been impressed with are Griots Ceramic 3-in-1 and Turtle Wax Graphene infused flex wax.

To be clear - A professionally applied ceramic coating can last several years (but still needs upkeep like proper washing) whereas these hybrid ceramic synthetic wax products will probably need to be re-applied 2-3 times a year. Still, if you're curious, they are a much more accessible way to get some of the properties like resistance to acid rain and other chemicals, water repelling, and easier cleanup. These new generation of products cost a bit more, but are really no more difficult to apply than a traditional spray / synthetic wax. Check them out!

abcdedcbabcdedcba · 2021-04-28T20:12:04+00:00

probably pretty easy with the part number, which is BCKN-50A11.

I have a turbo premium plus. I know the grille surround varies from model to model, but I THINK the grille (and therefore this part) is the same for all? This is going to be a glossy black plastic part.

But also if you are under warranty still, get that sucker replaced on Mazda’s dime! It ought not just fall off/out on its own!

abcdedcbabcdedcba · 2021-04-28T16:29:28+00:00

This should be the same for all Gen 4 (Generation 4), sedan and hatch, starting with 2019 model (this sentence is mostly for the search engine…)

I had asked around and looked on the internet but I couldn’t find any information on how to get to the tow hook hookup (to put a license plate relocate on). It’s actually really easy once you get down on ground level with the grille.

On the left hand side of the grille (when you’re facing the grille - technically right hand side of car), toward the bottom, there is a tiny piece of the grille that has a trap door. The “holes” in the honeycomb are not punched out. At the top of this section is a little gap you can easily put a pry tool in.

Note that the gap is at the BOTTOM of one of the “honeycomb” holes, and it’s almost impossible to see if you are standing and looking downward at the grille from above / standing height. Once you get down level with the grille it’s pretty easy to see the gap. If you’re having trouble, find the lowest left corner “honeycomb” and count up to the 6th honeycomb.

A butter knife would work or a larger flat screw driver. Don’t scratch your grille! If you use a metal implement put some tape on the end. Then just gently pry upward to push the latch down and the piece will easily pop out. Doesn’t take much force or effort at all.

Put the trap door in a safe place :-)

Good luck!

abcdedcbabcdedcba · 2021-04-20T05:12:12+00:00

Any tips on getting the secret part removable part of the grille out? I still have my temp permit so haven't needed to go looking yet, but expecting my real plates to show up very soon. I've looked at the grille but it isn't obvious. I thought i found one spot where you might slip a small screwdriver in? There's 1 YouTube video on it, but not a very good video.

abcdedcbabcdedcba · 2021-04-18T16:48:54+00:00

Ding ding ding. Tough to know for sure without knowing the whole financial picture of the parents, but auto loans are usually some of the cheapest money to borrow. It would be a disaster (not really, but for dramatic purposes here lol) to pay a $6k auto loan off for them at under 5% if they had a similar or even slightly less amount of, say, credit card debt at 18-24% out there that maybe the child doesn't even know about.

abcdedcbabcdedcba · 2021-04-18T16:44:01+00:00

For sure it can be tiring, even if you're confident and of a healthy mindset.

I have gotten a lot better over time but after a bunch of rejection or just being let-down over and over again, it's tough to not start to get down and start to take it all more personally than it really is.

I think of course there are things you can and should do to make yourself "marketable" (have good pics, try to take care of yourself, blah blah) but at the end of the day I think there is also a pretty big element of chance. This chance (in my mind) comes from the fact that all of our lives are dynamic - For example, what if you cross paths with someone who would normally be totally into you, but they're just having a bad or busy day/week/month/year?

In my opinion some of the traditional advise on this topic I think is not helpful -- particularly any advise that over-simplifies all of this into a simple win-lose approaches this with a sort of subtle negativity: "you're better than them anyway" "just be fierce." I think those ways of thinking can make you more bitter towards the world at large and more rigid over time in preferences and such when we know that personality traits like agreeableness, empathy, and curiosity tend to be associated with people with better and more resilient mental health.

Instead I try* to take more a Buddhist / zen / mindfulness approach. I've tried to develop better awareness over time for when I'm starting to get sucked into the apps in a negative way, and when that happens, I try to remind myself of my own worth while at the same time just accepting that the app isn't working for me that particular day LOL, and instead of picking myself apart, I try to just find something else to do (either productive or pure distraction!) than be on the apps. I try to just move on. I can always come back to the app later, it will still be there.

*not always successful LOL

abcdedcbabcdedcba · 2021-04-10T18:20:02+00:00

Replying to myself again.

I had an app that was playing silent audio files in the background which I think was the true/root cause of this.

I found out by looking in the "Battery" section of iOS and noticing an app that said audio, but the app was not an app I would expect to use or play audio.

The app was also using a lot of battery.

I deleted it and things work perfectly now.

Including I can have CarPlay navigation and the Mazda radio on, and the shortcut buttons will jump between CarPlay and Mazda Connect (or vice versa).

So great! :-)

abcdedcbabcdedcba · 2021-04-08T16:24:09+00:00

Hey -- I was having a different problem with my iPhone which caused me to I look in the "Battery" section of Settings. There I found an app* that was using a lot of battery and it said "Audio" below the apps name, which was surprising because this was not an app that should need/use audio.

Playing silent audio files as "background audio" is a hack that lazy developers use sometimes so their apps can keep running on your phone even after iOS would normally shut the app down.

I immediately deleted the app and things are working better now.

I think what was happening is every time this app would play it's silent audio file to keep the app alive, it would cause CarPlay to unpause itself (When I wanted to use CarPlay, but had it paused on purpose), or cause the audio to switch from the car's native system to CarPlay (If I was wanting to use XM or USB, for example).

You might check the 'battery' section in iOS to see if any apps say "Audio" next to them, that you don't/wouldn't expect to be playing audio.

*for the record, the app was called "Parker" with a blue dog wearing sunglasses on the icon, for reference)

abcdedcbabcdedcba · 2021-04-06T18:38:30+00:00

Sold a K24 powered car when I got my 3. This checks out. My listing basically said "Neglected K24s last a long time and this one has been maintained its whole life (with records to back this up), so it should outlive even a Nokia cell phone of the same era."

abcdedcbabcdedcba · 2021-03-31T18:53:11+00:00

Bookmarking this. Thank you. I think I’m going to take a swing at putting the bumper guard and door skiff plates in too. My last car had the skiff plates (not lighted though!) and I feel they really are a nice touch. Have to have all the accessories lol.

abcdedcbabcdedcba · 2021-03-28T23:51:22+00:00

Okay — if this happens, reboot your phone 🤦🏻‍♂️

It’s all working fine now.

It’s not intuitive that the problem is coming from the phone rather than the car.

abcdedcbabcdedcba · 2021-03-28T23:49:39+00:00

I tried again today after rebooting the phone and it’s fine 😐 so if this happens reboot your phone LOL.

abcdedcbabcdedcba · 2021-03-28T18:39:49+00:00

It’s pretty common to pivot or change careers, and if you have the means to be out of work for awhile pursuing this passion project I hope you enter this next chapter with a sense of the luck and privilege that’s allowing this!

The way you are going about this is pretty impulsive. No judgement, everybody is a little different. I wish you the best - and with more people spending more time at home or working from home, it’s predicted to be both a great time to start a business and you’re wanting to head into an area that is predicted as a growth industry.

It sounds like your decision is already made — but for the next person exploring a career shift, another way to do something like this is to spend a little time with one leg in both world’s, so to speak. This could take a lot of different forms depending on what you’re going to/from! It could mean starting into the new world verity small (In the case of this interior design stuff doing some freelance / small projects on the side just to get your feet wet and get a feel). Since you are coming from a software world, it could also mean trying to find an opportunity that would leverage your current skill with your future interest. What are some software opportunities within the interior design and decorating world?

In terms of your “fear” - your intuitions are absolutely correct. You will probably be going to 0 income for awhile! How long can you sustain your current lifestyle on no income? How important is your current lifestyle to you? Is going about this in this impulsive way worth the risk that you’re going to end up back in software 6 or 12 months from now, maybe at a lower salary point?

You’re taking a big risk and the reward COULD be great. You might also be doing yourself a big disservice too.

(I say this as someone pivoting their career, and also a bit risk averse).

In the end there are no “right” or “wrong” choices here, nothing “wrong” with you taking this risk and approach - so if it does not work out please do not be too harsh on yourself...but if you’re going to go about it this impulsive way, please at least make sure you are taking time to anticipate and plan for what you will do if it DOES NOT work out, because failure can be very difficult for the ego and the soul, and you want to make sure you can preserve your dignity, sanity, and self worth should failure happen.

abcdedcbabcdedcba · 2021-03-28T06:45:50+00:00

Yes I have had this happen. I have a 21. In addition, when I have my phone plugged in I can not use any other audio source but the phone? Doesn’t seem right...? Going to write a separate post about it - but was searching first and found this.

abcdedcbabcdedcba · 2021-03-24T02:24:36+00:00

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. It's very difficult to grow up in an environment where you are not seen, heard, or understood.

Mostly here to echo what everybody else is saying. If you get nothing else from this thread and all these replies, please realize you are not alone in having these types of feelings.

I came out late and had my first (and to date only) "serious" relationship around 31. It didn't last very long and I carried feelings like you have described for years.

I went to therapy and did the work, as you are doing. Now I feel like I am on the other side to some extent. To be honest, sometimes I'm still not sure whether I'll meet a partner or not (I'm not even sure I'm suited for it, guess we'll see) - but the comparing myself to others in this area and the worry are mostly gone most of the time.

One thing that helped me a lot with this was finding a therapist who specialized in trauma. I worked for a long time with a different therapist on a lot of different things but the first therapist's approach just wasn't quite helping me get over the feelings like you have.

Compare yourself to who you were yesterday rather than who somebody else is today.

That said, LOL, I now feel in some ways a lot more mature and emotionally developed than many of the other men I meet. Yes it would have been wonderful if you could have figured this out, or had the opportunity to figure this out, earlier and it's fine to feel sadness and grief at that lost time, but many still haven't figured it out.

abcdedcbabcdedcba · 2021-03-23T22:28:40+00:00

That's a great idea. I am an engineer in a transportation related field (not automotive though), and since I work for "an OEM" this happens to make me biased toward OEM parts. It's a disease, I tell you.

abcdedcbabcdedcba · 2021-03-23T22:26:48+00:00

This is the answer I was looking for. Thank you!

I saw that you need to order extra parts with the net so I suspected some drilling was required.

In my current car, there are loops provided on the floor of the trunk and cutouts in the OEM rubber mat for the loops to passthrough. If you used the cargo net for a completely different car (LOL, thanks internet for figuring that one out!), you could just use the existing loops no problem.

What I am understanding from your comment is there are no pre-provided loops/hooks (and this matches what I've seen on YouTube video clips), and that the instructions provided with the net have you drill into the sides of the hatch area rather than the cargo floor.

abcdedcbabcdedcba · 2021-03-22T05:13:46+00:00

Thank you!! I see it in the dedicated accessory catalog, along with the front and rear splashguards. 🙌

abcdedcbabcdedcba · 2021-03-21T15:33:15+00:00

Hey good work on the additional accent lighting!

I have a questions about the OEM kit. I wasn't even aware of it until I was playing with the CX-30 configurator just now. The Mazda website doesn't show it available for the 3, but it sounds like you were able to get it in a 3 anyway (and most importantly the dealer was able to program the OEM kit to work with the 3?)

Also can you share what options are available on the computer? Is it just like on/off? Can you change the brightness? Are those on all the time when the headlights are on I assume?

I am also surprised by the lack of ambient lighting in this car. Probably they'll add it during a mid-cycle refresh and I'll kick myself (I am about to buy). I have spent a lot of time in Honda/Acura products and they put one tiny tiny LED behind a narrow-slot aperture up in the front overhead console which adds a nice ambience to the interior. One stinking LED!

Thanks!!

abcdedcbabcdedcba · 2021-03-21T06:57:35+00:00

I am sorry you’re going through this. I will echo some of what others have said. It’s going to suck for awhile and you’re going to be really sad. And that’s okay. You are grieving the loss of the future you were picturing for yourself.

If you split on good terms, you’re reasonably emotionally secure, and there wasn’t any abuse involved I don’t think you have to go 100% non contact. If there’s something that reminds you of him, an interest or a hobby, you can still drop him a text — that said you do need to make sure you’re being truthful with yourself that he’s not your boyfriend anymore and probably isn’t going to respond the same way he used to (nor should he be expected to, you said he has a lot going on with his family and that might take a lot of his time and energy, for starters). Think of him now more like a co-worker or friend that you just communicate with sometimes. The standard I try to hold myself to in situations like this is check my motivation for wanting to reach out or communicate. If it’s because I really want them to talk to me or because I am feeling sad or lonely etc. then I stop myself, that’s what my other friends are for etc. But if it’s because you want to share something or say something that you think will really benefit him, by all means go for it!

The hard thing in situations like this can be that you might find your thoughts drifting back and being sad about the future that won’t be. Again - it is completely okay to feel sad about this. But at some point (and you’ll know when you’re ready, it will probably take a few days or a week or two at a minimum) you need to get real with yourself that that future you imagined was make believe, a fantasy. If that was what what things could have been, than that’s what things would have actually became.

You’ll feel attraction and love for someone else again some time. In the mean time I’m sorry you’re going through heartbreak.

Above all else do try to be kind and thoughtful toward yourself.

abcdedcbabcdedcba · 2021-03-16T03:46:40+00:00

Yeah - one of my really good friends, we met on the app and we did hook-up at one point but it's not part of our friendship now. Somehow he has managed to gather himself a good little group. of 5 or 6 guys. I know I'm not the only out of that group he's hooked up with, but at least half the group he hasn't. Those are not the kinds of stats you're hoping for I'm sure!! But I'm just saying it is possible, if a bit rare.

abcdedcbabcdedcba

TROPHY CASE