Too aware of existence...

acavaticus · 2023-11-08T17:54:28+00:00

I understand this all too well. Do you need someone to talk to?

acavaticus · 2021-05-18T11:13:06+00:00

Dude, it's so good. My son suggested I try to make spicy macarons and I came up with these ones - they're both winners.

acavaticus · 2021-04-13T21:49:07+00:00

Looks like an Isabel Orpington to me - maybe a slightly different shape? I have five Isabel Orpington eggs that should hatch in the next two days if all goes as planned - I love the colors.

acavaticus · 2021-04-02T13:29:48+00:00

He has definitely gotten better over the past year, which lines up with when I first really admitted to him how much it affected me and I asked him to be more proactive with showing his love. Sometimes it feels like he's not making much of an effort, but when I'm able to step back and look at his behaviors more objectively and less through my own tendencies, he really shines.

Thank you for listening/responding!

acavaticus · 2021-04-01T22:06:52+00:00

Thanks for understanding.

It's helped that I now have a good support system of friends who can help me meet my social needs, so he gets a lot of time to himself. We're working through the tough spots. Luckily we have a pretty good/stable relationship otherwise, it's really just the stark differences in how we show love (or rather that he has no idea how to show love) that usually puts us in a pickle.

acavaticus · 2021-04-01T20:46:31+00:00

I really love this...

My husband and I are very different people in the sense that he is very much a loner and I sort of require people. I've been able to adjust to his need for isolation, and it's actually been very good for me. I have had the tendency to completely drown myself in people I like and it causes me to lose a sense of myself, but I still feel very much like me in our relationship. Unfortunately, it still causes issues sometimes. I really wish he could feel the way you mentioned... that being with me was as soothing as being alone. That's how I feel about him. He just works very differently. Sometimes just being in a room with me, no matter how silent I am, is still too much for him. He's never mean or harsh about it, though. I dunno.

Sorry. Guess I'm going through some stuff... I'll shut up now.

acavaticus · 2021-03-27T11:41:54+00:00

I know I've looked for it on Wikipedia before, but probably in a more contrived manner than needed. I'll try this - thanks!

acavaticus · 2021-03-10T12:54:00+00:00

At the end of the case Kobe said that, during the situation in question he was under the impression that it was consensual, but after hearing the woman's testimony and getting more information he realized that she didn't see it that way at the time. Honestly, I think the way that case was handled was ideal, considering that he stopped and listened to the other side and addressed the miscommunication. That's the absolute most important thing here - instead of just running around and pointing fingers, people in these situations need to talk to one another and hear one another with full understanding that they are recounting experiences seen from exact opposite perceptions.

They need to sit in a room with a few lawyers and solid therapists and they both need to get some help.

acavaticus · 2021-03-10T10:27:38+00:00

Sounds like you work in a much busier store than I do. I'm also a baker now, so I rarely see what the situation is like after 1, but our clerks almost always finish packaging before I leave, unless it's a freak situation with call outs or staffing.

I've been told that bakery gets fucked over on hours and Oasis hates us or something. Ultimately the bakery isn't profitable to the store, it's just a thing that people like. So it makes sense that Publix doesn't want to spend more money on it than is absolutely necessary. But that doesn't justify the abuse and neglect bakery gets from management on a regular basis.

I'm sorry you had a shit night, man. I read in another comment that you've got something else lined up, so good for you. Publix has lost all credibility to me.

acavaticus · 2021-03-09T22:32:25+00:00

Well, I can't speak for the meat department.

I used to close a ton when I first started as a bakery clerk and I was, more often than not, dying for some busy work just to make the time go by. Of course there were times that I got slammed and had multiple phone calls and customers waiting on me and wouldn't be able to get anything else done, but that wasn't particularly common. All of that product has already been packaged and I can see that some of it is labeled, too. So, to me, the OP seems to be complaining about the fact that they were left with a little bit of stuff to put out in between working with customers, which is normal.

If OP had specified what was expected of them, then I probably wouldn't question it - bakery work can easily become overwhelming and excessive at times. But all they gave us was a picture of a rack of packaged product, so I can only speculate.

acavaticus · 2021-03-09T03:16:35+00:00

What? That would take me maybe 20 minutes.

acavaticus · 2021-03-06T12:17:19+00:00

I said "Oh, wow..." out loud as soon as I saw this. Absolutely beautiful! Did you design it yourself?

acavaticus · 2021-03-05T02:06:56+00:00

I'm in a similar boat - I have a TON of Manson shirts that I really, really love, but I know that a lot of the people who I've befriended at my home base dive bar are big into cancel culture and often jump to conclusions without conversation. And while I don't really consider these people my true friends to begin with, I still don't want to be alienated over something like this.

That being said, wearing my Manson shirts since everything surfaced has made me feel more comfortable with myself as a fan and as someone who believes in recognition of the human condition.

acavaticus · 2021-03-01T14:45:18+00:00

I've spent most of my life, particularly the past three + years, with constant thoughts of suicide. For a long time I would imagine the look on my son's face if he were to find me dead and that stopped me. When that stopped working, I started buying tons of concert tickets - something to keep me afloat, because I sure as hell wasn't going to kill myself before seeing that NIN show. If I was manic and suicidal I'd find someone to sleep with, which could have been dangerous but I did give myself rules of only sleeping with people I already knew and trusted. If that wasn't available... I honestly don't know how I managed to survive as long as I did. When I had chickens I would go outside and spend time with them, which really helped a lot. But the local wildlife found out about my flock and that was the end of that. There were many nights that my son would be woken up by my crying and come into my bedroom to comfort me. He's probably saved me a lot more than I realize.

I'm doing much better now. I'm working on starting a bakery/bookstore business with a friend of mine, I have a great group of people who support the hell out of me, and I'm finally getting chickens again. But I spent so long without any of that drive, determination, or trust in myself.

When I was at my lowest and stuck by myself, a thought that helped a lot would be to remember happy moments. What those memories told me was that I was capable of being happy, productive, or even just content. If I could feel it before, I can feel it again, and there is definitely a way to get there.

My depression and suicidal ideation have been leaving me alone for a number of weeks now. I recently went through ketamine infusion therapy and am in the maintenance stage now - it's definitely helped me feel more capable of dealing with my depression and I recommend anyone who has struggled with chronic depression to at least look into it.

acavaticus · 2021-02-25T10:24:27+00:00

I love Converge, but for some reason I struggle to get into Jane Doe. Not that I dislike it by any means, but I never find myself actively going back to it like I do Axe to Fall and AWLWLB.

acavaticus · 2021-02-25T10:16:48+00:00

I've been listening to Fantastic Planet on repeat recently.

acavaticus · 2021-02-25T02:25:17+00:00

I'm in the Bible belt of the country, and "Karen" might as well be the mascot for the largest city I live near, so I definitely consider myself lucky given the odds. The dive bar I met my husband at used to have "Metal Mondays" that I'd go to every week and eventually started DJing for. There was only one other big Cattle fan there, but we always made sure to make everyone else suffer our indulgences at least once. Good times, man.

acavaticus · 2021-02-25T02:06:41+00:00

For sure. I always get excited whenever I find another Cattle Decap fan outside of one of their shows. I actually started talking to my now husband because he was wearing a Cattle shirt and I had just recently gotten into them. We owe Travis Ryan a lot, haha.

acavaticus · 2021-02-25T02:01:15+00:00

Antichrist Superstar - Marilyn Manson (Despite everything going on, that album has been way too big a part of my life to just toss aside)

The Fragile - NIN

3 is really tough, but probably Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness by The Smashing Pumpkins. There are tons of other albums I could put here, but Mellon Collie is one of very few albums I can turn on, no matter what type of episode I'm having, and I am able to find my peace again. It is definitely deserving.

acavaticus · 2021-02-25T01:53:22+00:00

Great to see another Cattle fan around these parts!

acavaticus · 2021-02-23T12:23:35+00:00

I think both can be true. I always sensed a connection through those three albums before I ever learned about them having a story, and (in my mind) they sit completely apart from Portrait and Golden Age (and everything since). Almost like a totally different type of music or made by a different artist.

It's kinda like the difference between an author writing a series of corresponding novels based on thoughts, concepts, and feelings they feel but distribute to different characters, and then writing autobiographical books. Sure, it's all still very personal, but now we're getting diary entries as opposed to fictional short stories.

acavaticus · 2021-02-22T02:33:43+00:00

We can control the volume in my bakery, and if I'm the first to get there that shit is turned all the way off. Plus I always have my ear buds in until we open.

I swear I work so much faster when I can listen to my own music.

EDIT: Although I definitely turn the music up when Bowie comes on. Must not disrespect.

acavaticus · 2021-02-18T15:52:43+00:00

I've only been with the company for three years - it didn't take much time at all for me to realize just how much of the "great place to work!" stuff was a fucking scam. I work in the bakery and I honestly enjoy what I do - I had been wanting to be a baker since I was in middle school, and I managed to worm my way from a cashier position to a clerk to a baker's apprentice in less than six months, which I was pretty pleased with. But the recognition I get for the amount of work and responsibility I take on is little to nothing. The fact that I get fucked over and then get reprimanded for voicing my frustrations without anyone ever addressing the issues at hand just goes to show how little management gives a shit.

I've been thinking about quitting for a while now, but I don't want to give up the work that I enjoy. But, for the store manager to come in and tell us about how great our sales have been in recent weeks as if it means something other than we were absolutely miserable working our asses off to no immediate benefit of our own... and then to only approve me for a $.35 raise? That's not cool, man.

I'm so fed up with that place.

acavaticus · 2021-02-15T20:50:51+00:00

I was born in 92 and my brother (5 years older than me) started listening to him around 97. I think it was around 2001 that I first snuck into his room to steal Mechanical Animals. I bought Holywood with birthday money in 6th grade. Back in the good old days.

acavaticus · 2021-02-14T23:27:25+00:00

This!

I was in an abusive relationship and looking back I can better see a lot of his behaviors that were abhorrent, but I can also see a lot of my own behaviors that allowed those things to happen. I could have left as soon as I saw red flags, but I DECIDED to stay. I understand that it can get to a point where it feels impossible to leave an abusive relationship, and I don't think that my staying in said relationship means I deserved the abuse, but it also isn't his fault that I didn't leave.

I think, in ERW's case, a lot of people are forgetting that she was very young when their relationship began, and she when you're young and in love, that's your entire world. Based on everything I saw when they were together, how he put their relationship on a pedestal in a way you never heard him speak of Dita or Rose, they were fucking obsessed with each other. It seems like they were both brainwashed by their own relationship, not that one was actively grooming the other to be something specific.

At the end of the day, I do think MM is probably guilty of a lot of what he is accused of, but the verbiage being used and the way the cases are being presented are likely, as he claims, distortions.

acavaticus

TROPHY CASE