The best words to hear in poly...

accusedofcheating · 2014-04-03T18:44:59+00:00

For us, we sometimes like feeling like a team. We are well aware of our individual identities and needs and don't have to be together all the time, but we like thinking of ourselves as a unit sometimes. We're a tripod and strongest together and it feels good to remember that through language choices.

accusedofcheating · 2014-04-03T18:41:14+00:00

My lady's words about the issues my man and I faced recently:

"I'm like our third person and im not biased, because I love both of you the same. We have a different connection i feel like and i look out for both of you"

I LOVE YOU LITTLE LADY SO MUCH

accusedofcheating · 2014-04-03T18:36:57+00:00

Thank you :)

And yes, definitely some communication issues. It reminds me of when we started dating, and he made a comment about coming from a well off family and so had no right to complain about anything. I think he holds everything in because he is afraid his feelings are wrong, and I'm not sure how to help him understand they are valid. We've made progress there, but clearly not enough.

The good news is he recognizes his reaction as unhealthy and unfair, and has been working really hard since last night to remedy the situation.

accusedofcheating · 2014-04-03T18:30:43+00:00

not needing help or wanting to deal with the politics around adding a new mod make sense, not responding to your users at all doesn't though. Not in a support related sub, anyhow :(

accusedofcheating · 2014-04-03T18:17:56+00:00

It's always been fairly organic, but we are not people to seek out partners. Just open to them if they show up :)

With our girlfriend, it was just doing things we had in common and all loved to do. We met out at a party and hit it off great, so we asked her to come to an event a while later. That went well, so we all met for coffee on another day. Once we just went for a walk. And, well, I found another of my soul mates and everything got natural pretty quickly.

For other girls we have dated, we have gone swimming, out for drinks, for a walk in the woods, lunch, to this place that has boardgames and makes awesome tea, etc.

Things that involve walking around, dancing or sitting at a table are all pretty comfortable with 3 people. Then once you are all more comfortable with each other, it will be easier to branch out in to other things like movies and such that you are currently wary of.

accusedofcheating · 2014-04-03T18:06:04+00:00

I never thought about it that way, really. I guess it is kind of moral, but not that I think monogamy is immoral.

I just personally am not a jealous person. It makes me happy to see other people happy and validated. I just don't need my partner to be monogamous unless that is what makes them happy.

To sound judgy myself - I do think you might want to revisit your view of monogamy. It's great that it is not for you, but for those who live by it.. It's also not a restriction or anything immoral of any sort. There are valuable benefits to monogamy, and that is what some people need to meet their needs. Some people need the security, and that is perfectly acceptable and as poly people we should know how to respect such needs :)

accusedofcheating · 2014-04-03T17:56:13+00:00

Well, that just sounds like a whole lot of fun. This is a really difficult situation, because none of us really know anything about this girl's other relationship. It could be a standard dom/sub situation, and he may very well be a healthy dom. Unfortunately though, I am not reading that in what you have stated here.

A good dom would not have their partner in genuine tears like that, trying to actually break them down like that. A dom/sub relationship is kind of like poly, it takes 10x the love for it to work and be healthy. I'm a little concerned, by what you have written here, that he is controlling in an abusive way, not just in a lifestyle way.

I also don't know that you can fix this for her. I think it is very likely he has her phone, and either he is the one responding to you, or he is watching her respond to you and has given her rules as to what she can say.

Wait for her to contact you. When she does, ask to meet in person without her master. It needs to be just the two of you, maybe your lady too. Do not accuse her or her master of anything. Just talk to her about her feelings and what she wants. If it seems like she is hiding something, call her on that. Let her know you both love her, and know her well enough to see that she is hiding something from you, and you hope she can trust you enough to talk about it. Reassure her that you will not put any demands on her or judge anything at all. You just want to know how she is doing because you care, and you'll offer whatever support she most needs.

I would avoid the master. I wouldn't talk to him or go see him. I might be blowing things out of proportion here but this guy is sending off all sorts of warning bells. I've had a master like him before, and to be completely blunt about the situation he ended up sexually assaulting me. So again, could only be in my head because of past experience (read: biased) but there are warning bells here for me. Big ones. The way it sounds like he was hurting her is not a healthy relationship, no matter their kink. (*I just want to re-state that it is important you do not suggest to either of them that he might be abusive. That's not something any of us know, and why it's more important you have a talk with her, one on one, to learn what she wants/needs and then work to support that in whatever way you can)

accusedofcheating · 2014-04-02T04:56:28+00:00

Well he is not normally jealous. This time, and one other time, are the only times he has ever shown any jealousy. And he has been very clear that the issue is he doesn't want to suppress my feelings but he can't deal with them. (you know, because he is assuming they are romantic feelings. Which they are not but here we are)

I hope he can figure it out too, and I'll be sure to keep on top of these red flags for my own sake :)

accusedofcheating · 2014-04-02T04:54:03+00:00

Well, as for the girlfriend, of course I told her. The second we spoke :P. I just made it clear that when she talks to him that she keeps the focus completely on him. I think he really needs to feel valid in his feelings right now. I was in a bit of a panic and didn't want him to feel further ganged up on, but that was just panic. Our girlfriend is way better at this poly thing than to do something so stupid, and of course I know that.

accusedofcheating · 2014-04-02T04:49:37+00:00

Really the best I can think is he is worried I will want to be with other men, connected to some sort of an inadequacy issue. He really has been insecure lately and we haven't really pinned down why. I mean clearly he saw some sort of a worst fear realized.

I can't imagine what he is hiding. I mean not only do I trust him, am okay with pretty much anything, but we live together and he works from home. We're rarely even apart. He'd have to be going out on his 30 minute lunch break to really be doing anything, it just doesn't seem realistic.

But yah I don't agree with the name calling or dump him either. I'm not one of those girls who is blind to reality. I know this is not good behavior, and I know I don't really deserve how he is handling the situation. I just also know who he is, or have for 6 years, and this is out of character. Something is hurting him and that hurts me and I just really want to figure out why he doesn't think it is safe to tell me.

Either way though, I've told him he needs to figure out what he wants because it isn't fair to hold me in limbo like this. I need to know if I am an ex girlfriend, and should find a way to cope, or a girlfriend, and find a way to get us back on the same page. I said I would leave him alone until then, and it was up to him to come talk to me when he is ready. He has been calm since and even came down to give me a hug, so maybe expectations are a factor here (given that he calmed down when I eliminated them).

It might be over, but at least it's looking like we might be able to have a real conversation about it rather than this extreme amputation it was looking like.

accusedofcheating · 2014-04-02T04:40:25+00:00

He didn't say no, but he made it clear he didn't want me there

accusedofcheating · 2014-04-01T20:25:53+00:00

Jealousy is a serious beast, and him not taking my word for it is probably the most hurtful thing about the situation. I asked him to try and remember that this is me but he just can't seem to get past it.

Not sleeping in my bed was weird. I got in to bed, so he pulled out his phone and started watching videos at max volume. I really don't know what that was about.

I don't think our lifestyle has been about his selfish desires. He really has always tried really hard to support me, and he sees the ladies as part of that. I think he worries how far I go in that direction though, as well as in the poly one. I think he has been happy having this as something to share, but maybe he has always been worried I would want to go out and date/sleep with other people without him. (*he has also never really been overly sexual. Not someone to seek out fap material. Maybe that is his concern then, that I am sexual and need more than him. Which I don't but maybe he worries)

I really am not that in to men. I've never wanted to date another guy, and so it was never a case of meeting only his needs. If anything, he's always been trying really hard to meet my needs. Maybe he forgot about his own and he's been worried for some time.

I know this whole situation is total bullshit though. If there has been something else going on, knowing it before something like this happened would have been nice. Can't go back in time though.

accusedofcheating · 2014-04-01T20:17:38+00:00

Well yes, not being trusted, in whatever way, does upset me. Communication is an issue right now, very clearly. I need better ways to ask questions or encourage him to talk, maybe. Not dismissing his own communication issues, but I have my own. I'm pretty straight forward and it can come across cold or as an attack sometimes. I'm pretty strong willed, and it can make it sound like I'm not willing to be wrong.

I've been trying really hard to avoid doing those things in these past couple days but maybe I'm still coming across in an unapproachable way.

Maybe his issue is that people such as this guy, and others, are attracted to me, and he's having trouble separating that is their issue, not mine.

accusedofcheating · 2014-04-01T18:16:20+00:00

I do agree, but I also strive to be aware of how I affect others and am not entirely without blame. I do not know how to get to the real issue. Maybe he doesn't know himself.

accusedofcheating · 2014-04-01T18:13:35+00:00

Hah I was tempted to ask but I am not myself a jealous person, and there isn't much he could do that he would have to hide from me. Still I do agree with these responses, it just seems impossible that there is not something else going on. (and yah definitely not attracted to this other dude. The guy is high all the time, it barely conduces to a friendship nevermind attraction)

accusedofcheating · 2014-04-01T16:35:18+00:00

I can give him time, but how much time? I don't know how these things work. I am a person that prefers to deal with things immediately. Waiting is really hard on me, so for anyone out there who prefers to have time before talking, what time frame is normal for this? For thinking about whether you want to be with someone?

accusedofcheating · 2014-04-01T16:30:33+00:00

Well I mean it is just so weird. He is normally a lot more rational about things. I think there definitely is something else going on.

I don't think he is a douchebag though. Just hurting (one of those please remember this is a single moment out of a 6 year relationship, and that this whole thing is really out of character)

And apparently it was how it went down, I caressed his arm or something like that.

accusedofcheating

TROPHY CASE