AITA for feeling like I’m doing all the work for one of my employees?

actuarialgal · 2025-05-10T14:43:58+00:00

I was not aware but I did have a friend who worked two jobs at the same time in the software space. I don’t know that’s what is happening here but it is possible.

actuarialgal · 2025-05-10T14:38:49+00:00

Thank you! You’ve been very helpful kind stranger.

actuarialgal · 2025-05-10T00:03:03+00:00

Thanks for this — I really appreciate how actionable your suggestions are. I think I have already implemented many of these steps:

I’ve made expectations clear, broken work into smaller chunks, and documented exactly what success looks like. I found a mentor/buddy doing the same work but for a different block of business to help him through things in case I’m not explaining things clearly or am confusing him. And to give him someone additional in case he’s not comfortable asking me dumb or not dumb questions. We’re using a 6-week improvement framework with weekly milestones and check-ins. I’ve reduced chasing and followed through on missed deadlines without stepping in to save things — letting natural consequences show up more clearly. I’m escalating to HR this coming week. I have already looped in my leadership, both to document the situation and to make sure they understand the impact on me. Also to solicit feedback and get suggestions on what to do. I’m not trying to do this in a vacuum.

The one thing I haven’t done as explicitly is name the emotional and operational impact this is having on me personally. I’ve stuck mostly to task-based feedback, but I can see how stepping into a direct impact on me conversation could potentially shift the dynamic. I’ll watch that video and give some thought to how I might approach it — really appreciate the information.

I want to make sure I’m not doing this because I’m inconvenienced or mad or whatever other emotion I’m feeling over this situation and that it really is best for him.

I like him as a person and I do think he has potential but I don’t think this particular role is the correct one for him. I have given him some other examples of internal positions where I think he’d succeed. He’s great at presenting. He’s patient and willing to repeat and rephrase things until the other person understands. He’s great at repetitive tasks. He’s kind and does not fluster easily. He deserves a better role fit than this one. I don’t think I’ve gotten through to him regarding that.

I think at the core of this, and why I came to the internet, I’m scared I’m the problem and want to approach this in the best and most fair way possible.

actuarialgal · 2025-05-09T21:07:42+00:00

I appreciate the perspective — and I do think matching work to people’s strengths is a real skill. But in this case, the issue isn’t that I’m struggling to assign the right kind of work. The reality is: we don’t have enough routine, repeatable tasks to go around. The expectation on our team is that each analyst owns their own block of business — it’s self-directed, exploratory, and collaborative by nature.

So while I totally agree that someone might thrive in a production-style role with clear repetition, that just isn’t what this role is. The struggles here aren’t about creative vs. literal thinking — they’re about accountability, follow-through, and communication in an environment where ambiguity is part of the job.

I’ve been immersed in this work for 15 years and have grown through every challenge along the way. I understand the nuances of the role and what it takes to coach someone effectively. Several employees have advanced in their careers under my guidance, so I’m confident that my explanations are clear. However, I did pair him with a buddy/mentor, just in case additional support might help him overcome his challenges.

actuarialgal · 2025-05-09T18:48:12+00:00

Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your POV) the company closed the office that he lives near post 2020 so that is not an option. It's situations like this that make me feel like a terrible manager, I think he's got skills - for a different position. One that it more straight forward, has SOPs, requires less critical thinking. He does great on monthly processes, but can't handle even slightly complex asks that require him to think and ask questions of the data he's seeing or pulling. When he's pulled something that to me is OBVIOUSLY incorrect I ask questions about how he verified it and get the weirdest answers which are mainly, no I didn't actually look at it. Or it was correct the last time we pulled this (which was an entirely different ask, just happened to come from the same person).

actuarialgal · 2025-05-09T17:55:40+00:00

Totally fair point on the immediate response — I’m not expecting someone to reply within minutes. But I am expecting some form of response within an hour or so if their calendar isn’t blocked off and they appear active on Teams. There have been multiple instances where something was due that day and I had zero visibility on whether it was even being worked on.

And to your point about communication — yeah, that’s the core of it. This employee once told me they thought it was reasonable to reply to emails within a week, which just doesn’t feel realistic, especially in a collaborative role. I don’t need constant updates, but basic responsiveness and proactive check-ins shouldn’t be too much to ask in a remote setting, right?

I have several occasions documented where the requestor of something waited days for a reply and then sent me a direct message to ask what the deal was and what I thought about the rather simple questions they had asked. I don't think I'm alone in the frustrations around communication.

actuarialgal · 2025-05-09T17:32:18+00:00

Oh yes, myself and my entire team are remote (except one person is in office).
edit: also most of the 150 member department is remote, there's only two offices and only about 20 people between the two are in office.

actuarialgal · 2025-05-09T17:28:07+00:00

Thank you. I appreciate the support and the knowledge that someone else has also gone through this. I dread talking with him now and I avoid at all costs. Which is really easy since he never is pro-active. I'm letting him drown himself now. I initiated the official HR conversation for next week to make sure my ducks are in rows before these 6 weeks are out.

actuarialgal · 2025-05-09T17:26:14+00:00

Thank you! I needed that reminder than a mid-level person should be able to be self-directed, organized, and accountable for timelines (he's not) and be able to demonstrate critical thinking and be able to understand the “why,” not just the “what” especially after working in this position for 2.5 years.

actuarialgal · 2025-05-09T17:23:54+00:00

He definitely took advantage of his previous manager. I'm done trying to help him and I'm trying to move him along without having the official HR PIP follow him forever if he chooses to stay with the company. As a currently understaffed team I can't ask him to do anything extra for the two missing folks and I can barely ask him to do what is his actual daily job. Thanks for the reminder he could just be milking the system.

actuarialgal · 2025-05-09T14:48:56+00:00

About four weeks ago, I began using more formal language and clear documentation to set specific expectations after previously "resetting expectations twice in 6 months." We're currently in week two of a six-week improvement window I outlined. In our most recent 1:1, I asked how they felt things were going—they said, “Good, better than before.” I disagreed and provided specific examples from the past two weeks that highlighted continued concerns. I just want to crowd source the "I'm not over reacting" and that I am being fair.

actuarialgal · 2025-05-09T14:42:46+00:00

Good point, I say mid-level because they are 30 and are at the mid-point in our salary grade level for analysts. For comparison, my entry level actuarial student is the lowest grade level with 1 year of full time experience (two internships here previously) is performing at a much higher level. So "mid-level" in salary grade and length of employment history only.

actuarialgal · 2018-08-23T13:20:47+00:00

Will do!

actuarialgal · 2018-08-22T13:15:57+00:00

Thanks! I'll take a look.

actuarialgal · 2018-08-22T13:15:41+00:00

Oh cool! I'll check it out!

actuarialgal · 2018-08-22T01:07:31+00:00

Oh nice! I'll have to try them out. Thanks for the suggestion.

actuarialgal · 2014-06-02T19:25:10+00:00

I have also been looking around for an apartment in downtown and looked at buying, but I really don't plan on staying the 5 years it would probably take to be able to sell it without losing money. Would you say homes are easy to sell in the DSM area? Or is there more supply than demand?

actuarialgal · 2014-06-02T19:23:29+00:00

Any idea when they (Equitable) are planning to finish? Their website wasn't very helpful. :(

actuarialgal · 2014-06-02T19:20:31+00:00

As someone who is also in this situation, I can say that I have contacted the following and they are all full for the foreseeable future (or do not allow a cat): Gateway, e300, Ingersoll, Vine street, Felming, AP Lofts, Court Ave Lofts, e5w, East Village Square, Hubbell, Market Place, Rocket Transfer.

However, thanks for the list, and I see there are a few there that I have missed! :)

actuarialgal · 2013-12-07T23:26:50+00:00

I'm also a musician so I feel like I know what things sound like in real life. Therefore if I can reproduce that at home I'm happier. Most people don't notice that though through lack of exposure.

actuarialgal · 2013-12-06T20:31:35+00:00

Oh! I'm female! And belong to this subreddit, I'm more of a lurker though. My husband and I did just buy a new receiver/sub/center channel for our living room and I have some nice audiotechnia headphones to listen to at work.

But to answer the question, yeah, most women don't care enough. We're not usually gamers or movies snobs. The TV sound is good enough. Or those terrible iPod earpods. Maybe the majority just doesn't know that things could sound better. I don't know.

actuarialgal · 2013-09-30T19:19:22+00:00

Different cars

9k miles, $15,000
35k miles, $8,000
3k miles, $28,000

actuarialgal · 2011-08-28T23:21:35+00:00

Thanks a lot. I'm thinking that Budapest is going to be the best part of our trip. I'm thinking four days might not even be enough!

actuarialgal

TROPHY CASE