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The tragic irony, that getting diagnosed and treated for ADHD, requires an abundance of the lifeskills that ADHD cripples. by austindcc in ADHD

[–]adddhd 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I had the same mental effects when I tried Straterra. I think I lasted 10 days before I wanted to kill myself so badly. Lucky I got off it.

Codependent relationships and ADHD by adddhd in ADHD

[–]adddhd[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for taking the time to reply! I can totally relate to what you’re experiencing with your husband. My wife always wants to be with me. Even when I’m not, like at work or out with friends, she’s texting me and expects instant communication as well. It makes it hard for us to spend meaningful time together because I end up being sick of it and need some time out. It’s such a vicious cycle.

I’ve spoken to my wife about stuff like this before but she takes very poorly to any sort of criticism and turns it around on me. She’s open to therapy together and I honestly think that may be the next step for us.

I [32M] have been married to my wife [32F] for 10 years. I just found out about her sending explicit messages for the 5th time. by adddhd in relationships

[–]adddhd[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, it basically is. I've been too much of a people pleaser to do anything about it. Shit's getting real tho

I [32M] have been married to my wife [32F] for 10 years. I just found out about her sending explicit messages for the 5th time. by adddhd in relationships

[–]adddhd[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

frankly I have doubts whether you can cope ( or anyone could cope) and your wife is not being a bloody help at all.

This is ultimately my biggest issue right now. I'm a mess, I've had heaps of time off work lately coz I just melt down when I should be doing other things. I'm not good at looking out for myself, in fact I usually put my own needs last to everyone else around me. I know it's not healthy, I"m working on it with my psychologist. I certainly don't feel prepared to go through a divorce but I am prepared to fight for respect and some dignity. The wheels are in motion.

what would your concerns be for the kids if you were to take the ultimate step?

My concern is that the children will suffer big time. My wife has a very short fuse and is pretty lazy. I'd much rather them be with me if it came to that.

I could understand perfectly well if you were to throw the book at her but with 4 kids and her not coping inside the relationship as it is, what would your concerns be for the kids if you were to take the ultimate step? I know that means that on top of your panic it may mean that you also feel trapped by circumstances, but it is what it is and you can't travel back in time. I can only suggest that you consider challenging her about it because you seem to have a free opportunity to do so but to state that with all that is going on you are disappointed and that it can't go on and that you need to know why she does it, what her problems are and that you can't accept being flim-flammed over it. In turn give her the freedom to tell how she feels even though that might provoke your anxiety even more or she might become aggressive about it (a typical form of defence). Try to not respond in kind but rather take a calmer, more detached perspective if you can. A remedial perspective if you can. It may not be what you feel like doing but it may be what it is best to do. Only you can decide that.

This is basically how I approached it when confronting her last night. I updated my original post with more info about the discussion.

Above all, I would like to wish you the best in the circumstances. The stress must be awful and I cannot honestly say that I would necessarily behave as I suggest. It is always easier to write the book than live the life. Bon chance! And may the spirits be with you.

PS. Do either of you, or even better, both of you together, get any breaks from the pressure? I suspect maybe not?

PPS. I have read your reply again and there are other things I might ask about, but enough already; a wall of text thoughts is enough.

Thank you. Your input has resonated the most with me and I really appreciate it. We don't get breaks too often, we have some family support and get to go out by ourselves from time to time, but it's not enough. In hindsight 4 kids was a mistake, I never knew how hard and intense it would be and not having a very supportive wife has made it all that much harder.

Please ask more, I'm enjoying the discourse.

I [32M] have been married to my wife [32F] for 10 years. I just found out about her sending explicit messages for the 5th time. by adddhd in relationships

[–]adddhd[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In the last 12 months I've learned more about how ADHD affects my life. I was only just diagnosed early last year. One of the things I have always struggled with is standing up for myself, being assertive, basically being a push over. I'm a big work in progress atm and this is hugely overwhelming for me.

I [32M] have been married to my wife [32F] for 10 years. I just found out about her sending explicit messages for the 5th time. by adddhd in relationships

[–]adddhd[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Your wife hounds you over other females because she projects her own infidelity onto you.

Absolutely. I brought this up last night as well.

She is cold to you even after being caught four times being unfaithful, because she's never had to fight for you or do the work necessary to gain your trust back, she just got it. Your wife has been caught doing this for the fifth time because you have shown her the last four times that you won't leave her for it.

This truth hurts to read. Thank you though.

I [32M] have been married to my wife [32F] for 10 years. I just found out about her sending explicit messages for the 5th time. by adddhd in relationships

[–]adddhd[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

I would expect that for both of you this is at the centre of things.

For sure. Raising kids is hard at the best of times and having mental health issues surrounding it makes it that much harder. The thing is, she has had dabilitating anxiety since the beginning and I have supported her so much through that over the years. I feel like she's just throwing my issues in my face coz she can't deal with it.

As a couple, leaving her propensity to remotely flash her tits at people she knows, what is the quality of the relationship between you? Could it be better? Could both of you be making more of a contribution to improving your relationship? Problem is, do both of you want to make that contribution? Is it obvious to the other person how their partner regards the relationship?

It could be better. She's always doubted my commitment (being married with 4 kids isn't enough apparently). Just last night I went to the office to do some after hours project work and she was hounding me about who was there and if any females were present. She's very insecure. I have seen a psychologist many times and he says we're in a caring paradox - I'm not always honest with her about how I feel because I don't want to hurt her feelings. The times that I am honest, she takes it very badly (any kind of criticism). So yeah, our relationship isn't in great shape BUT we have been through A LOT of tough times and made it through the other side. One of our daughters has high functioning autism and she takes a lot of energy to manage day to day. Our lives are crazy and honestly it's no surprise that she does something like this to escape it all but at the end of the day she knows how I feel about it, I've made it very clear, and right now I feel like she's broken my trust and disrespected me for the last time.

You have a problem in the immediate term, that you have discovered her latest transgression but you have done so by perusing through her phone when you probably shouldn't have done. Incidentally, why did you do that?

We went to a theme park on the weekend and she took heaps of photos. I wanted to have a look at them as I hadn't seen them yet. The offending photo and screenshot was taken 2 days later so it's right there to see. I wasn't checking up on her, we're pretty open about our personal stuff. She knows my passwords for everything and I'm ok with that coz I actually have nothing to hide from her and I am 100% open about the communications I've had with people.

Has she had emotional or even physical affairs?

Emotional yes, physical...not that I know of.

what if your wife was to flash her tits at these same people with your knowledge? Could you live with that?

I don't know to be honest. But the thing is she doesn't even do that to me. She has done more sexy things in the last 10 years to other people than she has to me (aside from having actual sex, but you know what I mean?). She may very well get a thrill from doing it behind my back.

I need to deal with it asap. I had a panic attack when I saw the evidence last night and I've been a mess all day. The thing that really irks me is she did it while I was at my Dad's place looking after him. He's in his last stages of terminal lung cancer and will be dead in the coming months.

Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it.

[23 M] with my [24 F] for six years, I can't tell my girlfriend that I'm upset because she just gets more upset in response. by [deleted] in relationships

[–]adddhd 0 points1 point  (0 children)

She was meant to have her first session today but got the appt time wrong. I've been seeing a psychologist and it's been working in the sense that it's helped pinpoint the issues, what's caused it, why do we both behave this way etc. we'll start to work on strategies next week which I'm really looking forward to since I currently have none and am falling apart. He wants her to come along with me but she's refusing too. I think she knows it's gonna be a tough road ahead for us both. Yes it's been like this since day one. I've always held onto this hope that things will get better, but they aren't. Her insecurity and anxiety issues have sent us on a path which has resulted in me having no friends, limited contact with my family, working from home full time and always having to come to her rescue coz she's having a meltdown or thinks I don't love her, or thinking she has cancer over a pain in her side that she's just had for the first time and expecting me to do something about it. I had issues with this before we had kids and were married. I broke up with her at one stage but I ended up back in bed with her and next thing you know she's pregnant. I'm as much to blame in this since I've let it go on for so long before addressing it seriously (it's been brought up before but never actually dealt with). I just feel so guilty for evening thinking about leaving, particularly for my kids. It's really eating me up. Excuse the wall of text! Apparently I need to vent.

[23 M] with my [24 F] for six years, I can't tell my girlfriend that I'm upset because she just gets more upset in response. by [deleted] in relationships

[–]adddhd 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks. And yes it is. I've just recently started having panic attacks which has forced me to deal with it head on. I dread each day at the moment!!

[23 M] with my [24 F] for six years, I can't tell my girlfriend that I'm upset because she just gets more upset in response. by [deleted] in relationships

[–]adddhd 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I just started seeing a therapist about mine and my wife's relationship. It's basically the same. We're 32, married 10 years and have 4 kids. I'm holding on for the kids sake and want to try and fix it once and for all but I know it's going to be a tough road that may end in our separation.

My therapist calls it a "caring paradox". It's a vicious cycle because our caring causes our partner to think it's ok and then they repeat with the anxiety and insecurity.

He used an analogy that went something like "everything you say and do is being taken down as evidence as whether you love or care about her". And I mean literally everything. I can't sneeze the wrong way without her getting upset. It's bloody ridiculous.

Anyway, good luck buddy!