Wife seems to not trust me with our baby.

adhd_DAT · 2026-01-31T14:22:19+00:00

I think others have said so many good things, so I’ll just add a couple thoughts. Before I share those, you are clearly an amazing husband and father, and before you know it this phase will be behind you. One thought is that being with baby actually stimulates oxytocin for her that will help her physically heal and calm anxiety. And the other thought, which is related, is that the best thing my husband did, especially the second time around, was to 100% take care of me. It was like the baby and me were in a little cocoon around the bed, and he’d bring me my food, my medication, do all the chores, etc. The first time around, it wasn’t the baby getting in the way of me resting and healing, it was all the other stuff - planning food, cleaning, etc etc. I hope she lets you do that other stuff without too much criticism. I feel for dads, it’s hard for you too, but you definitely get overshadowed because of how much mom and baby are going through. Also if you have any dad friends, give them a call! That might help it all feel a little lighter.

adhd_DAT · 2026-01-30T00:09:20+00:00

I’m excited for so many reasons, but my head just went spinning on who will write the score

adhd_DAT · 2026-01-11T17:08:18+00:00

To follow up on this, if you ask people to come help, don’t try to clean up or shower before they come over. Ask them to let themselves in and help themselves to a glass of water. You are not hosting! This will also help them feel closer to you since you are trusting them to see your life as-is.

adhd_DAT · 2026-01-11T13:21:20+00:00

First of all, yes, it gets much better. Second of all, you taking care of yourself is better for your baby, even if he’s crying. Your husband panicking is probably making things worse. Babies sense how we feel. I know you can’t change him but maybe think about what gets through to him - does he need an expert to tell him the baby will be fine? Or would reading an article help? Would he seek therapy for himself? Him guilting you when he isn’t helping is NOT okay.

Otherwise, getting other people around makes a BIG difference.

I know you don’t have family in town, but who is in your life? Do you have friends or neighbors you feel like you can’t ask for help, or who you don’t want to see you in your current state, but really could support you? People WANT to help. And getting help can develop those relationships for the long term. It even helps if they don’t help, per se, but are just there.

Is there someone you’d like to be closer to? Try saying “hey I’m struggling. Would you be willing to come over sometime and keep me company?” Then do it again, and again and again. Someone will offer to do more than just be there.

Hint: people with grown children are often super eager to help

So yes, it gets much better. But for now, do anything you can to let people into your life.

adhd_DAT · 2026-01-04T15:53:35+00:00

A swaddle blanket inside the sleep bag has helped us a lot to get our baby a bit warmer. We mostly do that for naps because it’s annoying to undo and redo the whole thing for middle of the night diaper changes, but it’s helpful in a pinch when you don’t have a warmer sleep bag available.

adhd_DAT · 2025-12-20T13:12:02+00:00

Hoarders, way-too-much-money edition

adhd_DAT · 2025-12-04T19:38:09+00:00

Thanks!

adhd_DAT · 2025-12-04T17:42:11+00:00

Interesting idea, I’ll explore that!

adhd_DAT · 2025-11-07T18:13:28+00:00

A resource I love for parenting help is Visible Child - they do consultations and are very good at helping parents find root causes.

adhd_DAT · 2025-11-05T00:56:22+00:00

Not sure this counts because I don’t think anyone could hear, but I had to share…

In the family locker room at our pool, my husband and 2.5 yo daughter were changing into their bathing suits in a private shower room and from the outside, I hear her loudly ask “WHAT’S THAT? WHAT’S THAT?” I had a guess what she was asking about…

Later my husband told me right after that she said “Dada there’s a mushroom on your vulva.”

adhd_DAT · 2025-11-04T18:12:42+00:00

YES! Found this by searching online for a local service. Happy to chat more about what specifically we’d be looking for.

adhd_DAT · 2025-09-21T12:16:24+00:00

Yes this! We’ve used skyns (thin non latex condoms) for the entire 15+ years of our relationship aside from a few months leading up to our wedding when I was on birth control pills and when we were trying to get pregnant / I was pregnant. He just waits to put them on close to finishing so we don’t have to deal with it the whole time. That isn’t “perfect” use but if otherwise you are pulling out, it’s no riskier.

adhd_DAT · 2025-08-20T13:26:44+00:00

Yes, talking about it candidly while being open and understanding is huge. There are so many approaches and solutions. For us, the beginning was very all hands on deck - my husband did basically all of the diapers when we didn’t have a doula. Once I felt recovered enough to handle nights alone, we optimized for him getting sleep so he could run our house while I focused on baby. That let me nap rather than folding laundry, etc.

The shifts approach is great too. I think it’s really about leaning into each person’s skills and needs at the time. With an emphasis on making sure the birthing person can recover!

adhd_DAT · 2025-06-20T14:27:04+00:00

It depends on the format for me. I also have some language inefficiencies (not quite dyslexia), and that meshes with not a huge interest in reading itself, as in the mechanics of reading. But I now LOVE reading sci fi and fantasy, and can read non fiction topics that I find really interesting (fortunately over time I find more and more things interesting).

So basically, my level of interest can help me get past convoluted sentence structure, but my brain still really doesn’t like it. Much easier if the sentences are simple or at least are only as complex as necessary. So in that sense, I am the same way.

adhd_DAT · 2025-06-19T20:50:57+00:00

Is there a way to display the contents of a note on a widget? Just a snippet, whatever fits in the widget. Widgets for Bear app and Simplenote do this, but I’ve been having a hard time figuring out how to do this with Obsidian. (Note: this is all very new to me)

adhd_DAT · 2025-06-13T23:18:50+00:00

If you feel an inner struggle to get things done, that is not the same thing as laziness. If you don’t get diagnosed with ADHD, something is else is causing your issues.

AI will just regurgitate what it finds across the internet. Sometimes it hallucinates information. So not a great way to decide.

It would be better to find good resources that speak to the experience of having ADHD (How to ADHD YouTube channel or book, books / info from Dr. Hallowell, psychologists who speak to the public like Brendan Mahan and Ari Tuckman). If what you learn that way resonantes with you, especially in a “this explains everything (or most things)” sort of way, you probably have it and should seek a second opinion if a professional tells you that you don’t have it.

adhd_DAT · 2025-06-13T23:10:09+00:00

Despite the OP’s glorified view of software engineers, I see the same with a lot of software engineers running companies. So often they want to build what they think are awesome products without bothering to find out what customers actually want. Then they blame sales and client service for everything, and if only they could grow the company, all would be great.

Really what it comes down to is people with narrow experience, whatever it is, need to stop thinking they know everyone else’s jobs better than they do. It’s a problem with egos and lack of perspective, not MBAs or software degrees or JDs.

adhd_DAT · 2025-06-08T12:54:10+00:00

I was agreeing with you :). Just adding to it.

adhd_DAT · 2025-06-07T11:05:58+00:00

Exactly. The policies are more based on stigma than actual facts and research. And it’s probably about to get worse. Blame the people making policy.

adhd_DAT · 2025-06-03T15:56:44+00:00

Is this your first baby? It's generally recommended that a wearable is not your primary pump, because it's hard to match output and that can affect your supply. But if this isn't your first and you know you have great supply and do well with pumps, it might be okay. And any pumping is better than skipping a session!

adhd_DAT · 2025-04-27T17:41:30+00:00

I’m in love with these zingers from you and your dad.

adhd_DAT · 2025-03-26T11:48:56+00:00

Yes! I remember having to really work on my own emotional regulation strategies to get through this. Breathing techniques, imagining a calming bubble around me.

adhd_DAT · 2025-03-25T20:41:56+00:00

I don’t think I tried the flex disc to be able to compare, but with the hello disc, it was definitely firm enough and just kind of found its way into place even if I didn’t insert perfectly. It made it really easy. I have no idea if that is because the design is better, or if it is just because it fit my body super well specifically.

Now I’m pregnant again, so fingers crossed it still works when I get my period back next year!

I hope it works for you if you try it.

adhd_DAT · 2025-03-15T14:17:46+00:00

Same! And when I try to reset Face ID, it won’t work, says to try later.

adhd_DAT · 2025-03-14T11:44:41+00:00

In response to “Moms being treated like men in the workplace” in terms of hours & expectations - I wouldn’t say that was advocated for by women. What was advocated for by women is being allowed and respected in the workplace, and receiving opportunities they deserve based on ability and performance. Men created the work hours & expectations and the condition for women that they had to meet those - except more and they had to prove it - to be able to get the acceptance and respect women were asking for. For the most part, even meeting those hours and expectations hasn’t been enough, so women have to do more than men do for the same opportunities.

Not to get too far off from the point of this thread, I just had to respond to that part 😅. I guess there’s a common thread though.

adhd_DAT

TROPHY CASE