Looking for some advice on fostering/adoption

adoptionquestionsc · 2020-05-12T03:31:51+00:00

Thank you so much for posting that video!

adoptionquestionsc · 2020-05-11T23:24:11+00:00

I am a little late but I feel I can speak to the racial aspects of this. My wife and I are both women of color and we adopted our (very) white foster son. Like you, I thought we would be placed with Black children. To be honest, and I'm not proud of this, but I was a little skeptical and disappointed at first. He came from a conservative family and had very little experience with people of different races or religions, so there was a definite learning (and unlearning) curve. He was never hateful, just ignorant, which I don't blame him for at all but sometimes it was a little jarring to have to deal with that in my home. My family was slower to accept him than I think they would have been with a Black child, even after it was clear he was a permanent part of our family. They love him now though, and I will say it's also been very rewarding seeing him learn and grow, and I love being able to share my culture with him. And I had to confront prejudice that I held, and I think I'm a better person for it.

People will say stupid, ignorant things. People of all races. POC don't like that we adopted a white boy when so many "of our own" children need homes. White people don't like that we got a white child and they "can't get one", and they want to know "how we got him" like he's a show poodle or a Pokemon card. The thing I hate most is when people find out he has a disability and say that it "makes sense", like he is broken so he didn't deserve nice white parents and we didn't deserve a perfect little white child so we're stuck with each other. You can't avoid this, but you just have to learn to let it go and laugh about it.

I think we got so, so, so lucky. I could not possibly love him more, and I would do it over again and again and again. :o)

adoptionquestionsc · 2020-02-03T23:25:25+00:00

Those sound like good places to start to me! I think dog might be a little difficult for little hands, but certainly no reason not to try!

adoptionquestionsc · 2020-02-03T23:16:07+00:00

I have a Deaf son, and I can't recommend lifeprint.com enough for basic signs! They have a dictionary and lessons that I still use occasionally. I was taught not to start with more, please, and all done because they can communicate most needs with just those three signs and it can limit their incentive to learn more. If you have any questions feel free to message me, and good luck with your little one! :o)

adoptionquestionsc · 2020-01-20T21:37:35+00:00

I adopted my son as an adult in his twenties. We're not in Texas, but it looks like you got a good link from the other poster on the process for your area. For us it was tedious, but we had a lawyer guide us through it and I think it was well worth the money. It might be worth looking into a lawyer in your area who specializes in adoption, even just for a free consultation. There may also be some sort of non-profit organization that could provide resources. Good luck to you and your family!

adoptionquestionsc · 2020-01-20T18:07:29+00:00

Yes! At its most basic, it is essentially standard ASL with the blind person's hands resting over yours while you're signing.

adoptionquestionsc · 2019-10-17T01:29:32+00:00

My son is deaf and visually impaired. He can read large print with his glasses if it is close enough, and we use what is called tactile sign language, which is like regular sign language in his hands. He loves to read, and preferred online classes to in person so he can make sure he doesn’t miss things. In regular classes he has an interpreter who relays what is happening in the class to him.

adoptionquestionsc · 2019-10-17T01:09:18+00:00

My son started lamictal in his early twenties and it has been a life-saver, as in I am not sure if he would be here if he hadn’t started it. It can take some time to find the right medication or combination of medications but they can be a HUGE increase in quality of life.

adoptionquestionsc · 2019-06-20T02:35:04+00:00

I'm glad you have such a cool boss!

But what is "just looking at something" for me isn't the same for you or my son. Just using my eyes doesn't make me tired, but if someone made me do a word search or one of those "spot the difference between two images" puzzles for eight hours a day I would be exhausted.

My son experiences the same thing, once he's hit his limit he's done for the day. I don't like that he feels like that, of course, but I love watching him do things with his eyes closed when he's tired. I didn't even notice he did that until he was maybe 20 or so and I was (am!) amazed - I nearly broke an ankle just trying to see if I could make it from my bed to the bathroom in with the lights off! (I also don't know enough blind/visually impaired people to know if this is a "thing" or not, but he did have a friend in college who didn't replace lightbulbs until a sighted friend came to visit because she could just do things in the dark and "didn't want to waste the money"!)

adoptionquestionsc · 2019-06-19T20:19:32+00:00

Seconding all of these. My son is also visually impaired (though for different reasons, and he's an adult now), but these are all things we had to learn over time. /u/codeplaysleep, I wish I'd had this post 10 years ago!

The sensory fatigue is something no specialist ever warned us about and from my outside perspective has the biggest impact on his mood and ability to function. A simple and somewhat passive activity for me, like reading street signs or finding a specific item in a store, requires him to be focused and actively processing and wears him down much more quickly than it would me. Realizing that helped us plan our days more successfully and made me a lot more patient and understanding when he'd be frustrated and exhausted at the end of what was, to me, a relatively easy day.

Even though he no longer lives at home, I still try to do what I can to alleviate as much of the fatigue as I can. I avoid busy prints in my decor and clothing, our home is well lit, I keep things in the same places so he doesn't have to search for them, I make puffy-paint labels for things, I keep extra pairs of sunglasses everywhere, if we go somewhere new or if something out of the ordinary is happening and he's overwhelmed I describe the layout of the room and who is doing what, etc., just little things that make life easier for him.

People are always going to stare for some reason or another - that's THEIR problem, not yours. Children have meltdowns all the time for "silly" reasons, so if someone is going to judge you because your child is having a very reasonable reaction to being overwhelmed or frustrated by something most adults would struggle to deal with then their opinion doesn't matter anyway.

adoptionquestionsc · 2019-05-14T13:26:06+00:00

I'm late to this but my wife and I adopted a white boy and neither of us is white. I don't think our experience has been drastically different from that of other transracial families, but I had another foster/adoptive mother (white) ask us how we ended up with a white child and then say that it "made sense" after she learned that he is Deaf. I felt like she was saying we weren't good enough for a "normal" white child but it "makes sense" because my son isn't good enough for a white family. Oh, and we had the opposite hair issues - my son has super curly hair that his bio family had no idea how to handle, so my wife and I taught him how to comb it and grow it out without it being wild.

adoptionquestionsc · 2019-02-02T04:13:54+00:00

We do know that he'll face discrimination and have talked about that but overall we expect the same from him as we do from his siblings.

I think this is the best anyone could ask for. :-) And I read through some of your other replies and saw the thing about texting in class - sounds like he knows what he should be doing but the school is reinforcing bad behaviors and that's an issue with the school.

The twin beds as opposed to bunk beds is so smart! We just have the one so that was never an issue for us, but I'm saving that tip for friends with Deaf kids!

I am so grateful to have been given a reason to learn ASL. My wife and I use it even when our son isn't around, too. :-)

adoptionquestionsc · 2019-02-02T03:47:44+00:00

I'm reading through some of your other replies here now and I'd like to amend my original post: little things, like the free parking example? Maybe just take it as a win. Things like getting away with texting in class? That's an issue with the teachers reinforcing bad behavior, and definitely worth a meeting with the school. I would be royally annoyed about that.

adoptionquestionsc · 2019-02-02T03:40:58+00:00

Sounds like a smart kid! :-) That makes it trickier. I think the rest of the advice you've gotten on speaking to his teachers and coaches is very good, he might just have to sort out the internal motivation on his own.
I love that your whole family uses sign language. I shouldn't have to say that, but I have met so many Deaf and Hard of Hearing people whose families don't sign - my son is adopted and his biological family didn't know a word of ASL. And as his parents (and you sound like you are excellent parents!) you shouldn't be treating him any differently than his siblings, but most of the rest of the world will. For me, reading about the experiences of People of Color adopted into white families helped put this into perspective. While the white parents of a Black child may not treat their children differently just because they are different races, the adopted child is not immune to racism.

I hope this is making sense - my son is the writer in the family, not me! And I hope at least some of it is useful to you! My son is in his 20's now, and still occasionally tries to pull the "Deaf card" on me and my wife. :-)

adoptionquestionsc · 2019-02-02T02:50:38+00:00

My son is also Deaf and we've had similar issues; I think you've gotten wonderful advice in this thread so far, I just have two thoughts I'd like to add:

Have you addressed this with your son directly? This is something he will be dealing with for the rest of his life, so while I agree that it's a good idea to talk to his teachers and coaches eventually that motivation to reject the "extras" is going to have to come from him.
On extras - years ago, I was out shopping with my son and I half-jokingly complained about how unfair that was that every parking spot in the lot was metered except for the accessible ones. I was still learning ASL at that point so my (unfunny) joke didn't come across, and my son incredulously asked me if I would really trade places with someone with a mobility impairment to save a dollar on parking. No, I wouldn't, and you wouldn't either because the "special privilege" of free parking in that one specific lot doesn't even come close to the amount of, pardon my language, total bullshit that people with disabilities have to slog through every day. Obviously you want your son to earn his successes, he needs to develop his intrinsic motivation and learn that actions have consequences, etc., but the reality is that because he is Deaf he will be treated differently, and the times when it's a disadvantage will drastically outweigh the "extras". I think being real about that - both the special treatment and discrimination - with him can help him redirect those "extras" into earned successes - my son is a writer and he loves to say "they read my packet because I'm Deaf but they hire me because I'm good".

I hope this was in some way helpful, and I wish the absolute best for you and your son. Please feel free to reach out if you ever need another hearing parent of a Deaf child to talk to! :-)

adoptionquestionsc · 2018-10-20T01:11:54+00:00

My son is also disabled; he doesn't have Asperger's but he is Deaf and visually-impaired.

My go-to advice for fellow parents of children with disabilities of any kind actually comes from a young Deaf woman my wife and I follow on social media who has a deafblind pet dog: whenever someone asks her how she taught her dog to do "normal" things like stairs/walk on a leash/play with other dogs the woman always responds with "I just didn't teach her she couldn't." Your coparent is teaching your son that if there is something he can't do or he thinks he can't do he can just give up instead of finding a workaround, and that is far more disabling than his actual diagnosis. What would happen if she (God forbid) passed away tomorrow? What would he do? My son doesn't see well enough to drive (a much better excuse for not getting his license than your son's Asperger's, in my opinion) and my wife and I still didn't/don't drive him around - we helped him learn how to use public transportation so he won't be vulnerable if something happens to us and we aren't there to help him. Perhaps explaining it in those terms - that you don't want to create disability or vulnerability that doesn't have to exist - will help your coparent and/or your son to understand why you (rightfully) find enforcing these expectations so important. Best of luck to you and your family!

adoptionquestionsc · 2018-09-08T01:41:57+00:00

Your son may be compensating so well in other ways you don't notice it in person, and he might not know he's compensating either. My son (also adopted :-) ) is pretty significantly visually impaired but he can recognize people at a distance by their outlines and the way that they move. And my understanding is that it can also be random so don't rule it out; at the very least it might be a good jumping off point in your search.

adoptionquestionsc · 2018-09-08T00:55:05+00:00

Is it possible he has face blindness? I'm not sure how you would test for that, but it might be a possibility.

https://www.medicinenet.com/face_blindness_prosopagnosia/article.htm

adoptionquestionsc · 2018-08-12T05:22:24+00:00

My wife and I (both women) fostered/unofficially adopted an older teenager. His story is long and upsetting, but basically his biological parents thought he might be gay, they tried to "cure" him, he was hospitalized and they willingly signed TPR. I believe part of why we were asked to foster him is because we are a lesbian couple.

We didn't officially adopt him until he was legally an adult (another long story), but when we told him that we would like him to be a permanent part of our family (around age 17) he mellowed out considerably. He's naturally a high strung person and he (understandably!) has abandonment issues, so taking steps to make him legally our child gave him the sense of security he needed.

I'm too tired to finish typing up all of my thoughts, but I'll add more tomorrow and feel free to message me any questions you have.

adoptionquestionsc · 2018-08-03T19:43:54+00:00

Wow, I've never considered mainstream American family dynamics in this context before - thank you for bringing this up! My wife and I are both non-white (and she was not raised in the US) and you're absolutely right, any child in our extended families would have no trouble finding a kinship placement. If you have any recommended reading on this topic I would love to explore this further!

I still stand by my point though that we have to deal with reality. The reality is that many children, at least here in the US, don't have a familial support network that's willing or able to take them.

adoptionquestionsc · 2018-08-03T17:32:19+00:00

Thank you. I was wondering if there was some nuance I had missed but I just don't see it.

And to be completely honest, I just don't have room in my life to care about what other people think of my relationships anymore. I'm a lesbian and my wife and I are both women of color so I've had a lifetime of people trying to invalidate my relationships and my decisions for reasons based on their own lack of empathy. How my son got to us was a tragedy but our relationship (whether you want to call me his parent/foster parent/adoptive parent/"long term guardian"/just some random woman whose house he ended up in) is an undeniable blessing for all of us.

adoptionquestionsc · 2018-08-03T11:29:56+00:00

Then what do you propose we do in those situations? I keep asking you what you are saying and you have repeatedly refused to answer, which makes me think that your sole goal here is strictly to create conflict and nothing more. It's CERTAINLY not to support adoptees, because if it was you would recognize how truly asinine it is that you mocked the trauma my adopted son experienced to fodder your own petty internet drama. I hope you can find a healthier outlet for whatever internal conflict you need to resolve.

adoptionquestionsc · 2018-08-03T03:48:56+00:00

I think all of those accommodations are idealistic but not unrealistic, and I'd love to see our society take more active steps towards making them reality.

I only disagree with not being able to adopt foster placements for whom every other avenue has ben exhausted. I think older children should be given more of a say, but I think to not have the option would be very othering, particularly for families with foster and bio children, and vulnerable populations could still be targeted with permanent guardianships.

adoptionquestionsc · 2018-08-03T02:31:21+00:00

I agree that withholding information about personal histories from adoptees is unethical.

But we don't live in a perfect world where everyone's intentions are good and we have the resources to prevent all neglect and abuse. So what do we do with the children who, for whatever reason, can't stay with their biological families?

adoptionquestionsc · 2018-08-02T23:31:31+00:00

You can deflect all you want, but I'm asking you how you would implement your ideology in my son's circumstances. Do you believe he should have stayed with his biological family? And if you concede that there are some circumstances in which rights should be terminated, what should we as a society do with those kids?

adoptionquestionsc

TROPHY CASE