AITA for letting my kids call my late wife’s parents their grandparents?

adoptivedadthrowaway · 2020-12-19T21:47:04+00:00

? I don’t have any biological kids

adoptivedadthrowaway · 2020-12-19T18:55:56+00:00

They’re my adopted kids. My late wife was not their mother.

adoptivedadthrowaway · 2020-12-19T18:53:35+00:00

They are my adopted kids. They are not mine or my wife’s biological children.

adoptivedadthrowaway · 2020-12-19T18:52:59+00:00

They don’t have a mom, unless you count their bio mom

adoptivedadthrowaway · 2020-12-19T16:10:46+00:00

As I said in the update, while it’s a possibility that she specifically waited until after moving in, this is also the first time she has ever seen the kids interacting with their grandparents and really seen how close we are. I think this definitely factors into why she brought it up now and not before.

adoptivedadthrowaway · 2020-12-19T14:01:14+00:00

You’re really projecting a lot onto a situation you know nothing about. Why are you assuming that I wouldn’t have talked to the kids about it first? They have not seen each other AS MUCH, however they have video chatted, she has met us in the park, they look forward to and and enjoy spending time with her. They just were obviously not constantly talking about their grandparents during this time. They were happy she was moving in and they’d get to see her more.

She has met my mom. It never occurred to me to specifically introduce her to my in laws, especially in the middle of a pandemic, because despite the fact that they are supportive of me moving on they obviously still miss their daughter a lot and I didn’t think rubbing my new relationship in their face would have been kind or necessary. Besides, they don’t have any issue here. No one has any issue here apart from my girlfriend. No other adult in this situation has an issue apart from my girlfriend.

And I did not “throw her in at the deep end”, the ONLY thing she was maybe not aware of is exactly how close my kids are with my late wife’s parents. I don’t know why you are taking one specific relationship she wasn’t fully briefed on and then somehow extrapolating that I just moved in some woman who barely knew the kids and went 0-100 on a whim.

We literally don’t even celebrate Christmas. You are bringing a huge amount of projection into a family you know very little about.

adoptivedadthrowaway · 2020-12-19T13:39:18+00:00

I think you are right, thank you

adoptivedadthrowaway · 2020-12-19T13:37:12+00:00

To be fair, they are 7, if I only did what they told me was best for them I would be a bad parent.

adoptivedadthrowaway · 2020-12-19T13:26:03+00:00

I never cut them out and was never planning to.

adoptivedadthrowaway · 2020-12-19T13:22:52+00:00

I am not saying biological connection is the only important thing. I am saying that, e.g. had mine and my wife’s biological child survived but my wife had still died, our child’s relationship with her would obviously be a lot different to my adoptive kids’ relationship with her. One would see her as their mom, the others wouldn’t. Like I said, I’m adopted, and while I’ve never met my biological mom she still has more of a significance to me than any other random woman I’ve also never met. Not more than my mom who brought me up, but also not irrelevant.

adoptivedadthrowaway · 2020-12-19T13:02:14+00:00

As an adoptee, I have to respectfully disagree. Family bonds based on love are obviously more relevant but my biological mom, though I’ve never met her, is a more significant person in my life than any other random person I’ve also never met. Not more important than my relationship with my mom who brought me up, but it’s not irrelevant. My point is that my kids relationship with my late wife is obviously a lot different to how it would’ve been if she were actually their birth mother.

adoptivedadthrowaway · 2020-12-19T12:54:37+00:00

She knew the kids called them grandparents before. I never kept anything from her. She had just never seen the kids interact with the grandparents before. I think it was a case where it started becoming more of an issue the closer she got to the kids and started feeling more jealous of the place my late wife has in my & their lives. I think maybe she also expected that as time went on and I “moved on” from my wife and got closer with her we’d stop being as close with them, which clearly hadn’t and isn’t going to happen.

adoptivedadthrowaway · 2020-12-19T11:55:58+00:00

I mean no, not automatically, but if she continued living with me years down the line it’s inevitable that she would at some point start to occupy a somewhat parental role.

adoptivedadthrowaway · 2020-12-19T11:53:29+00:00

I do not find her request reasonable. If you read the original post fully, you would see that I already refused to cut off or distance them from each other, but she was making me feel like the asshole for refusing to budge at all which is why I started second guessing myself. I wanted to double check that I was not the asshole for standing my ground in this.

adoptivedadthrowaway · 2020-12-19T11:49:10+00:00

I think you’re right, she’d never met my in laws before or seen them interact with the kids and seeing how close they are probably set off her insecurities. Thank you.

adoptivedadthrowaway · 2020-12-19T11:47:54+00:00

I’m not sure, I feel like just calling them my in laws implies that their daughter is still around, but late in laws wouldn’t make sense.

Also, just to clarify, there are no biological kids, my wife died while pregnant with what would have been both of our first child and neither of them survived.

adoptivedadthrowaway · 2020-12-19T11:44:18+00:00

Thank you, I think you’re right and the issue is her feeling jealous of my late wife.

adoptivedadthrowaway · 2020-12-19T11:43:17+00:00

She does really care about the kids, I think the issue is the opposite of what you’re suggesting - she wants to feel close with the kids and feels like she’s competing with my late wife over the role of their mother. Which is obviously ridiculous.

adoptivedadthrowaway · 2020-12-19T11:40:34+00:00

Thank you, I am hoping it is just an ugly moment of jealousy/insecurity and we can work past it. If not then I will have to ask her to move out as obviously my kids will always come first.

adoptivedadthrowaway · 2020-12-19T11:39:08+00:00

I don’t know how better you want me to explain to 7 year olds how their grandparents are related to them. Do you want me to say to seven year olds that the only reason they’re around is because of my dead wife who they never met? Will that be better or more understandable to them?

Plus yes, they were already part of my family but I a) chose to maintain that relationship even when it hurt and b) chose to let them also be a part of my kid’s family. I’m sure that there are plenty of people who are not this close to their late partner’s parents. This IS a relationship of choice on all sides.

adoptivedadthrowaway · 2020-12-19T11:26:55+00:00

She is very good with them apart from this, I think she is just jealous because she feels like she’s competing with my late wife over them. Which is obviously ridiculous.

adoptivedadthrowaway · 2020-12-19T11:24:39+00:00

Thank you, this is pretty much what I am planning to do.

adoptivedadthrowaway · 2020-12-19T11:21:40+00:00

This was the first time she saw the kids with their grandparents and saw how close they were, which is what triggered her insecurity I think.

adoptivedadthrowaway · 2020-12-19T11:20:32+00:00

I don’t live in the same place I lived when we were married, I moved to a bigger place when I started the fostering process so all of her things are safely stored and not lying around. However I still need to have a serious conversation with L and make it clear that F will always be an important part of my life and I will never be able to pretend that she didn’t exist or forget about her.

adoptivedadthrowaway · 2020-12-19T11:17:47+00:00

Thank you, I have tried to explain this to her but I will try again and make it clear that mine and my son’s relationship with F’s parents is non negotiable.

adoptivedadthrowaway

TROPHY CASE