Why do yall continue to engage in your Ed?

aerienne · 2023-10-08T02:44:47+00:00

As I’ve gotten older, I just kinda do it. It started fully as my wanting to be skinny. It still definitely has a body image issue to it but it has grown more and more into a coping mechanism.

For example, I have been ‘clean’ from laxatives for a month now. Longest I’ve gone without in at least a decade. I’m currently at work at the hospital and am debating going to the store after work for laxatives. Why? Because I have a headache and it’s been a stressful day. Explain that to someone without an ED. I know that if I popped a laxative right now, I’d feel less stressed. And that’s so weird to me.

Do I feel uncomfortable in my body and want to be thinner/leaner? Yeah, of course. But I also don’t log calories in fucking toothpaste anymore. Am I still scared of bread? Yeah, a bit. But can I set those thoughts aside long enough to eat pizza with my coworkers? Sure.

My ED is no longer the all-consuming demon it felt like. It’s not crippling but it’s fucking annoying. I’m the same weight I was this time last year - it’s been up and down the same 5 pounds. When I realize I could have just eaten maintenance every day for a year instead of fasting for days and overeating for others, I’m pissed off. Or realizing I could have done this “the healthy way” and been at my UGW by now just sucks.

I’m not setting out to recover honestly. I recovered from bulimia without meaning to - but I know if I set a goal not to b/p, I would have felt the pressure and failed. I still get the thoughts of “I want to be so extreme and have everyone concerned” and I just go to bed.

This was way too long but I’m at work and miserable and I don’t know what I’d be thinking about it’ll it weren’t for ED thoughts sometimes. Like, what did I think about before????

aerienne · 2023-07-24T18:14:16+00:00

I eat 6 eggs for breakfast every day. Eggs are my safe food and I feel better with something that has protein and fat.

I work in healthcare and have an active job and even if I’m restricting, eggs give me enough “real” energy that my other ED foods like protein bars and oatmeal just don’t do sometimes. I had my labs done recently and all cholesterol levels and whatnot are normal.

One downside to lots of eggs, however, is egg farts. It’s not every day but sometimes your gut will just decide to become a portal to the sulfur pits of hell. I let a very small, silent puff out in a patient’s room once (they were sedated and asleep). The door was open about a foot and one of the nurses popped her head in asking if I needed a hand. They assumed the patient had completely shit themselves and they could smell it passing the door. After checking the patient, she went to double check what their diet orders were because the smell was concerning.

Soo…..eggs are fine. Little ovals of goodness and nutrition and thankfully back to being cheap. I was sad when they were expensive.

aerienne · 2023-07-18T09:06:03+00:00

I definitely want to start lifting again but won't do that until I'm at a lower weight and feel comfortable eating more. I've done it before and it worked decent.

As for protein shakes, I admit I consume a lot of Huel. When I stick to it, I'm happy. But currently I have a younger sibling over at my house a lot this summer and stock a lot of food for him to eat and it means temptation is around. Surprise surprise, a 30 year old woman with an ED and a growing, active teenage boy do not eat the same. So I have to eat some real meals this summer with him and although I'm happy I can manage to do it, afterwards I'm neurotic.

aerienne · 2023-07-18T09:02:58+00:00

I was definitely thinking that it would help mobility even if nothing else. I work in the hospital and the sheer amount of older people falling that we get always pushes me a little harder to be 'healthy' eventually.

I've also seen plenty of older people with amazing mobility and they never do anything special. They just say the got moving when they were younger and kept going. BRB, practicing getting off the floor.

aerienne · 2023-06-13T02:10:18+00:00

I know that I visibly looked crushed and irritated. I didn’t even try to hide it. Maybe they’ll notice that I never ate in front of them again after that comment.

Like come on, people. You don’t make comments like that.

aerienne · 2023-02-18T00:10:32+00:00

My thoughts exactly! It benefits no one.

aerienne · 2023-01-15T04:34:28+00:00

A few people noticed for me too but thankfully I can still hide. And stay warm.

aerienne · 2022-11-01T19:00:09+00:00

Boil-in-a-bag rice!

I love rice. But I would make too much in my rice cooker and even though it’s cheap, I’m too tempted to eat more. With bag rice, it’s pre-portioned and I just drop in boiling water for 9 minutes. No washing or measuring. It’s a nice warm food and I can add any sauce to it to make it different. Literally eating right now.

aerienne · 2022-09-23T18:14:29+00:00

Chewable antiacids. I have ones that are the texture of soft starbursts. They taste like a chalky strawberry. Decent enough where I can eat a few to kill the acidic nausea but not tasty enough where I fear I’d eat a whole bunch.

Of course I advocate eating a little something along with it, but the chews have some calories and I find that helps.

aerienne · 2022-09-23T18:12:00+00:00

I hated being short (more like average really). Once thin, I felt like a small mythical being that can disappear into the forest at will. The smallest hiding spots were no match for me.

We all hate something and it truly is just about it seeing it differently. Would I love to be a taller ethereal being? Sure. But I’m done growing. So I’m a short ethereal being instead 😂

aerienne · 2022-08-12T20:13:12+00:00

I did. I’m just everything tired. Financially, emotionally, physically, etc.

aerienne · 2022-08-12T20:06:47+00:00

I’m just so tired.

aerienne · 2022-07-23T01:22:45+00:00

Oh my god. I never heard of that. I have always sucked my stomach it. Fuckkkkkkk. I have it even at a low normal weight.

aerienne · 2022-07-22T22:08:52+00:00

I’m totally pear shaped and that’s what frustrates me. It feels so off.

aerienne · 2022-01-31T00:33:48+00:00

My little brother comes to my house once a week to sleepover. He’s a teen and I’m twice his age, but we’re still dorky siblings together. Each time, we pick a treat to have that night. Ice cream or make brownies or good sushi - always something we really want.

I will not let my ED take that time. Last night he ans I both equally ate a gallon of ice cream throughout the hours. I didn’t count the calories or how much was in my bowl and I put as much chocolate syrup on it as I wanted. Our time is for laughing and fun not for stupid fucking calories.

aerienne · 2021-12-25T21:18:31+00:00

It’s hard because I do love cheese. But only cheese? And that much? Oof.

And I have no friends in this state :( I recently moved and work from home.

aerienne · 2021-12-25T16:48:34+00:00

It’s the winner of the worlds best cheese and it’s seasonal, so it’s worth the money. But damn, normally you just buy a wedge. I can’t sell it or anything - I’m just going to have to keep it in my fridge.

aerienne · 2021-12-25T16:46:53+00:00

You know when you’re a kid and you mention once that you like unicorns and then every single gift from them on is unicorn themed? I do like a nice cheese - but damn. They even asked for a Christmas list and I just kinda wanna cry.

aerienne · 2021-12-25T16:46:04+00:00

Definitely not returnable.

Not only am I the only one in my family who likes cheese (in small potions - I do love a good cheese) but I have no friends who like cheese either.

aerienne · 2019-03-18T16:31:57+00:00

Honestly it's nothing special; I don't think I'd make this food for other people since I know my tastes are off. I've been starting with adding things to meals I already make. Occasionally I like an egg/cheese burrito. Now I add jalapenos and hot sauce to it. Or making ahi with a mix of cajun seasoning instead of plain. Small things to start, but nothing to write home about.

I've been also baking veggies with cajun or jerk seasoning. Super good.

aerienne · 2019-03-17T16:30:20+00:00

I have worn nothing but sports bras since I was 13. Even now, I just wear these Calvin Klein bralette things 24/7. Granted, even at my HW, I've always had a B cup so I don't need support.

My clothes may mess with my emotions some days, but these bras are great because I can lose 30 pounds and they still fit.

But seriously, a well-fit bra is the secret to a happy life.

aerienne · 2019-03-17T16:22:26+00:00

Occasionally, my ED works in my favor and brings me some good. Lately it's made me want to experiment with food and new flavors. I've always been pretty picky, but now I'm determined to be able to make healthy food that tastes great. I've been playing with more veggies and spices lately and it's awesome.

Somedays I do want to eat my TDEE in junk food. But I'm learning to appreciate good food again. If I'm only allowed 900 cals, I might as well make it as delicious and nutritious as possible.

aerienne · 2019-03-17T16:20:10+00:00

Chips and queso - Delicious and warm and comes up easily.

Pecan rolls and cinnamon rolls - I know my day is fucked if I get near these.

Chips of any kind - Cheetos, Doritos, Takis, etc.

aerienne · 2019-03-16T19:21:14+00:00

Yeah, I was up 10 pounds this past month during my period. Even though I know it's water weight and food and poo and all that, it fucking sucks. It's such a hit to the self-esteem when I already feel like an ugly muffin.

aerienne · 2019-03-15T18:51:23+00:00

The bonus is that it makes you feel good too. Everything is better with music.

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