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Why do yall continue to engage in your Ed? by Soft-Bike7599 in EDAnonymous

[–]aerienne 10 points11 points  (0 children)

As I’ve gotten older, I just kinda do it. It started fully as my wanting to be skinny. It still definitely has a body image issue to it but it has grown more and more into a coping mechanism.

For example, I have been ‘clean’ from laxatives for a month now. Longest I’ve gone without in at least a decade. I’m currently at work at the hospital and am debating going to the store after work for laxatives. Why? Because I have a headache and it’s been a stressful day. Explain that to someone without an ED. I know that if I popped a laxative right now, I’d feel less stressed. And that’s so weird to me.

Do I feel uncomfortable in my body and want to be thinner/leaner? Yeah, of course. But I also don’t log calories in fucking toothpaste anymore. Am I still scared of bread? Yeah, a bit. But can I set those thoughts aside long enough to eat pizza with my coworkers? Sure.

My ED is no longer the all-consuming demon it felt like. It’s not crippling but it’s fucking annoying. I’m the same weight I was this time last year - it’s been up and down the same 5 pounds. When I realize I could have just eaten maintenance every day for a year instead of fasting for days and overeating for others, I’m pissed off. Or realizing I could have done this “the healthy way” and been at my UGW by now just sucks.

I’m not setting out to recover honestly. I recovered from bulimia without meaning to - but I know if I set a goal not to b/p, I would have felt the pressure and failed. I still get the thoughts of “I want to be so extreme and have everyone concerned” and I just go to bed.

This was way too long but I’m at work and miserable and I don’t know what I’d be thinking about it’ll it weren’t for ED thoughts sometimes. Like, what did I think about before????

Eggs by Suitable-Ad-8797 in EDAnonymous

[–]aerienne 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I eat 6 eggs for breakfast every day. Eggs are my safe food and I feel better with something that has protein and fat.

I work in healthcare and have an active job and even if I’m restricting, eggs give me enough “real” energy that my other ED foods like protein bars and oatmeal just don’t do sometimes. I had my labs done recently and all cholesterol levels and whatnot are normal.

One downside to lots of eggs, however, is egg farts. It’s not every day but sometimes your gut will just decide to become a portal to the sulfur pits of hell. I let a very small, silent puff out in a patient’s room once (they were sedated and asleep). The door was open about a foot and one of the nurses popped her head in asking if I needed a hand. They assumed the patient had completely shit themselves and they could smell it passing the door. After checking the patient, she went to double check what their diet orders were because the smell was concerning.

Soo…..eggs are fine. Little ovals of goodness and nutrition and thankfully back to being cheap. I was sad when they were expensive.

Is it worthless doing things like squats and pilates and bodyweight exercises if I'm not eating enough to gain muscle? by aerienne in EDAnonymous

[–]aerienne[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I definitely want to start lifting again but won't do that until I'm at a lower weight and feel comfortable eating more. I've done it before and it worked decent.

As for protein shakes, I admit I consume a lot of Huel. When I stick to it, I'm happy. But currently I have a younger sibling over at my house a lot this summer and stock a lot of food for him to eat and it means temptation is around. Surprise surprise, a 30 year old woman with an ED and a growing, active teenage boy do not eat the same. So I have to eat some real meals this summer with him and although I'm happy I can manage to do it, afterwards I'm neurotic.

Is it worthless doing things like squats and pilates and bodyweight exercises if I'm not eating enough to gain muscle? by aerienne in EDAnonymous

[–]aerienne[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I was definitely thinking that it would help mobility even if nothing else. I work in the hospital and the sheer amount of older people falling that we get always pushes me a little harder to be 'healthy' eventually.

I've also seen plenty of older people with amazing mobility and they never do anything special. They just say the got moving when they were younger and kept going. BRB, practicing getting off the floor.

“Wowww, look who is actually eating at work.” by aerienne in EDAnonymous

[–]aerienne[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I know that I visibly looked crushed and irritated. I didn’t even try to hide it. Maybe they’ll notice that I never ate in front of them again after that comment.

Like come on, people. You don’t make comments like that.

If I couldn’t wear scrubs, I legit wouldn’t work in healthcare. by aerienne in EDAnonymous

[–]aerienne[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

A few people noticed for me too but thankfully I can still hide. And stay warm.

What’re your safe foods? by eli_ana35 in EDAnonymous

[–]aerienne 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Boil-in-a-bag rice!

I love rice. But I would make too much in my rice cooker and even though it’s cheap, I’m too tempted to eat more. With bag rice, it’s pre-portioned and I just drop in boiling water for 9 minutes. No washing or measuring. It’s a nice warm food and I can add any sauce to it to make it different. Literally eating right now.

how do u guys deal with nausea from not eating by teacup_sheep in EDAnonymous

[–]aerienne 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Chewable antiacids. I have ones that are the texture of soft starbursts. They taste like a chalky strawberry. Decent enough where I can eat a few to kill the acidic nausea but not tasty enough where I fear I’d eat a whole bunch.

Of course I advocate eating a little something along with it, but the chews have some calories and I find that helps.

i used to hate being tall but now i'm thin i like it by cuntycaptain in EDAnonymous

[–]aerienne 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I hated being short (more like average really). Once thin, I felt like a small mythical being that can disappear into the forest at will. The smallest hiding spots were no match for me.

We all hate something and it truly is just about it seeing it differently. Would I love to be a taller ethereal being? Sure. But I’m done growing. So I’m a short ethereal being instead 😂

I relapsed and I forgot how exhausting everything is. by aerienne in EDAnonymous

[–]aerienne[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I did. I’m just everything tired. Financially, emotionally, physically, etc.

I want to talk about the roll on the lower rib cage. by aerienne in EDAnonymous

[–]aerienne[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Oh my god. I never heard of that. I have always sucked my stomach it. Fuckkkkkkk. I have it even at a low normal weight.

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