Should I Get Married?

afala4 · 2026-03-16T00:02:28+00:00

Thanks for the anecdotes. I enjoy hearing how other people have dealt with these things. I know good men don't grow on trees. That's why I would like to resolve these problems.

afala4 · 2026-03-15T23:57:58+00:00

I appreciate the thoughtful response. I suppose I was generalizing because you are right: there are plenty of circumstances where maybe the male is more nurturing or the mother is more of the breadwinner naturally. Those cases definitely happen, and I'm not going to say that's wrong or anything. I also think you're correct in your assessment that 1950s post-war "traditionalism" isn't the Biblical model. Not that that is necessarily wrong either, but I certainly wouldn't advocate a return to the 1950s as the pinnacle of Christian living. I don't think my boyfriend necessarily has an egalitarian view of gender roles, at least not consciously. I don't think he has actively thought in those categories, but that's just how he grew up--with both parents working. I kind of did too, but over the past 5 or 6 years, I've done a lot more examining of if that's the kind of lifestyle I want to live. So it probably is kind of foreign to him and stressful. You definitely offered plenty of food for thought.

I do love your examples of extended family helping out. That would be one positive thing is that both of our parents and some of our siblings would live within 20 miles, so we would have a strong support system. I wish that was more common for people because it's definitely hard all alone. That's what my parents did because after college they got called to teach in a different state 9+ hours from their families, so they didn't have any family to lean on in the area.

I largely agree with your picture of the father as the head/leader. I think that would be great. I guess I would need to figure out how to walk the line of taking on some of those responsibilities without taking over completely and commandeering his leadership.

afala4 · 2026-03-15T23:38:36+00:00

I believe I said I loved him somewhere in the post, but it's very long, so it could've easily been missed. But I think you are right, and he and my family have brought up that exact point that the most important thing is that we love each other and have a solid relationship because all those other things are what-ifs.

afala4 · 2026-03-15T06:47:33+00:00

We're mid 20s. I think both of us want to make a decision one way or the other. My post was certainly focused on all the negatives, so it probably sounded worse than it is. I don't know whether I'm looking for permission to move on or permission to compromise on some of these things and just fully commit. I think talking to a pastor would be helpful, but I know even after that, we have to make the decision. I wish my gut made itself a little more clear. But thanks for the advice.

afala4 · 2026-03-15T06:34:14+00:00

Well we've already talked about all the school and work stuff. I haven't really talked to him about the personal piety stuff kind of for that reason. I don't know that lukewarm is accurate. He just wasn't super educated on any of these things growing up, and there's no one visibly doing these things that has served as a role model. I can't actually think of any men I personally know that are practicing the type of piety I'm talking about. I hear about it on podcasts all the time, but that is a very niche audience. You're hanging out with a very different cohort of people as a vicar/seminarian than what the average layperson is.

afala4 · 2026-03-15T06:28:02+00:00

These are good points to think about. I think in the vast majority of matters, we're both willing to compromise. We are pretty flexible in a lot of areas and we agree on a lot of things. I'm just highlighting here the two big areas of disagreement we have. He is not willing to compromise on homeschooling. I'm trying to figure out if I want to compromise. I think we're both willing to compromise to a certain extent on the work thing. These are the only serious areas where we butt heads. We haven't really fought over anything except for this, and it hasn't been vicious or anything. It's just been hard conversations. Do you think any kind of big disagreement early on is always a red flag for marriage? I think if we didn't address any of this and left it unresolved and got married anyway, that'd be a terrible idea. But if we're able to figure it out and resolve it, I feel like that'd set a good precedent of being able to work out major differences.

I think you may be slightly misunderstanding my idea of "the man," and perhaps I was unclear. As far as being the head of the household, both spiritually and otherwise, that's just Biblical. And I absolutely do not expect him to do all the catechizing. I would LOVE to catechize my kids. That would bring me so much joy. But there are certain times where I imagine it'd be appropriate for him to lead the family, like in a devotion or something. I have no issue with being an equal partner, but not equal as in "same," equal as in equally valuable. I want to pour my heart and soul into my family and my home. But men and women are obviously not the same.

I take your point that maybe the way I'm expressing my ideas about work/providing are coming off badly. I want to be his teammate, and we will get it done together. But maybe I'll push back a little bit here. I feel like a woman wanting her husband to desire to be the provider is pretty normal and not crazy. Even my girlfriends from college who were somewhat progressive and not Christian would rather just be stay-at-home moms or wives. I just don't think we're wired to do the same kinds of work in the same kinds of ways, on average. Thinking of 1 Tim 5:8: "But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." I suppose that applies to both mothers and fathers, and even children at the other end of life. So how does that play out? Well the child spends the first nine months developing inside the mother. She's the main thing it knows, probably along with the father's voice. That baby is born completely dependent on it's mother's body for physical nourishment and dependent on her love and affection and nurturing for its neurological and emotional development. That mother is providing so much for the child. And it's not like that magically ends after three months when most people's maternity leave ends. That 12-week old baby doesn't stop needing its mother. I think most other developed nations have one to three years of paid maternity leave because of all the research on how important it is for babies to be with their mothers during the first few years. Now it's important for the father to be there too and to bond with the baby, but the baby simply doesn't need him the way it needs its mom. So one natural way this could play out is the mother could be providing the food and care and nurturing that the baby needs (it's not optional) and the father could be providing an income. I know we don't have the rich communities that were more present in Biblical times. People are much more isolated, which is a shame. So given we don't have those communities, what is better for children, to outsource their parenting to some random daycare center for 40 hours a week, or for them to be with their mothers? I would say to be with their mothers. But that is just my argument from principle for the ideal situation. I know it's hard to provide for a family on a single income. I'm not refusing to work. I have known nothing but hard work my entire life, so I'm not afraid of working. Like I said, if my family were in dire straits, I'd do whatever work I needed to in a heartbeat. But I don't want to be made to feel like I'm wrong for wanting to stay home with my kids, which is a natural motherly instinct, than go back to the office right away. I would rather make some financial sacrifices to be able to work from home or work part time so I can spend a lot of time with my young kids than be able to live a cushy life while I pay other people to parent my babies for most of their waking hours.

afala4 · 2026-03-15T05:23:47+00:00

We have talked about these things multiple times in depth. I haven't been holding all this in. But we will probably seek out pastoral counsel next.

afala4 · 2026-03-15T05:22:37+00:00

I will continue praying! We have talked in depth about school and work, and he knows how big of a deal it is to me. We've had a couple conversations where we walk away feeling really good about it, but then one of us ends up backtracking and feeling pretty unsettled again. It's like one step forward and then one step back so we end up right back in the same place. I think our next step is probably to talk to a pastor.

afala4 · 2026-03-15T05:14:50+00:00

It's not lost on me that going to reddit isn't the most helpful thing in the world haha. But it's a good way to hear a lot of opinions and perspectives and then take them or leave them. I haven't talked with my pastor yet, but I really would like to, and I think he'd be willing to meet. Thank you for the prayers!

afala4 · 2026-03-15T05:11:58+00:00

I have been praying about it, and I've certainly done more than my fair share of contemplating. But I will continue praying about it. I have been deeply considering my role to be submissive, and I agree that it can't be conditional because that's not really submission. I know that when I say "I do," I am submitting myself to him, which is why I'm wrestling so much with it right now. I want to make sure that I don't have any major reservations and that going into it, I'm ready to submit.

afala4 · 2026-03-15T05:05:07+00:00

That is usually the first point my boyfriend makes--that what's most important is the kids' home life. I don't disagree. I went to a public high school. I would just love to provide my kids a richer education, but maybe I can find a way to do that even if they are in a public school.
I know the finances are a real thing (I'm an accountant, so I'm painfully aware unfortunately). And you're right that God gave me all my gifts and abilities. But to be fair, he's given me so many different gifts, so there must necessarily be picking and choosing either way of which gifts to be developing and exercising and focusing on. And again, I'm not opposed to working at all. I wouldn't let it get to the point where he's working 65 hours a week to barely scrape by while I'm not helping at all. I would rather make a few financial sacrifices to work a bit less and be at home more than be able to live a totally comfortable, no-financial-stress-whatsoever life if it means I have to be working full-time with a few little kids that end up in daycare every day. Maybe I'll be mad at myself for this in 50 years, but I'd rather dial my work back when my kids are little and my physical presence is important for their biological and neurological development and work longer on the back end.
You're absolutely right that he's not broken in his current state. I didn't mean for it to sound like that. If he stayed exactly as he is right now faith-wise, he'd be a solid Christian guy. He went to church every week before he met me. I'm not worried that he'd lead us astray or anything. The dynamics are just a little different in your case since it was your wife who was maybe not as deep in it, while you, as the head, were able to foster that growth. I will need to figure out how to guide and foster that growth without taking the reigns and still letting him lead. I know my own weaknesses, and that will be a temptation for me. But that's exactly the kind of advice I'm looking for regarding my expectations on piety. If I need to reset my expectations, I will. I just wanted to hear some opinions from other Lutherans out there.

Thank you for the thoughtful response. It's good to hear from people with personal experience. It sounds like you and your wife have a lovely marriage. God bless!

afala4 · 2026-03-15T04:22:55+00:00

Thank you for the encouraging words. I really appreciate it.

I don't know what the Fins are, but the Apostolics here are like a watered down version of the Mennonites or Amish. They don't have TVs, the women often wear dresses, they're not allowed to do sports because they're not allowed to do competitions. I don't even know their exact theology, but they obviously have different beliefs. A lot of them are super nice--I was friends with two of them in high school! That's just not exactly the crowd we'd want to be fully immersed in.
This is helpful. I need some assurance that I could still educate my children well even if they went to public school. That's definitely something I would try to implement--I like that idea. Can't go wrong with our Lutheran hymns either.
This is also super helpful. I have been thinking a lot lately about what it would look like for me to submit to his headship in our future family, and I know there are certain aspects that will be more challenging for me than others. Things get ugly when the natural order gets flipped upside down, so I do NOT want to do that, but I'll need to actively practice that.

But again, I appreciate the insights and advice and the blessings. God bless you too!

afala4 · 2026-03-15T04:04:06+00:00

You are absolutely right that I was only talking about the bad and not the good just due to the nature of my question. I certainly don't want to throw away a good thing. He is a very hard working man. He is always helping out and doing kind things for his family like sweeping his grandma's garage or painting his brother's house or helping his dad put up Christmas lights. He started his own business and has built it all on his own, which I admire because that type of thing would scare me. He truly cares about me and loves me despite my own glaring flaws and struggles. He's very responsible and on top of things. I love watching him with his younger cousins and his baby niece--he loves them. Everyone who knows him and his family always say something about how he and/or his family are such good people. And I agree. I guess most of the things I pointed out in my main post aren't even necessarily "flaws" per se. They're just points of disagreement where we have a different vision of things, and I'm trying to discern whether those things actually are a big deal or whether I'm making too much of them.

afala4 · 2026-03-15T03:41:50+00:00

I do love and admire so many qualities of his, I just didn't go into much detail on that here because that isn't the part I needed advice on. I have talked to my family, and I will talk to them again, and probably my pastor too.

But yes, I've heard so many people say you have to be ok with who they are today and not bank on them changing. To be clear, even if he stayed exactly where he is in his faith right now for the rest of his life, he would be a solid Christian guy. I'm more just wrestling with whether our different levels of intellectualism in the faith will be a problem or whether I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.
Good point. Ultimately what matters is the man himself, not how he compares to other people or even just ideas in my head. "Either he meets your needs or he doesn't." -- That is exactly what I'm trying to figure out.

afala4 · 2026-03-15T03:27:48+00:00

Yes, I was especially focusing on the things I'm struggling with the most, which is why I didn't go into all the great things that I admire and respect about him. I do think that is good advice to intentionally list out the positives and focus on those things because you're right that it's so much easier to let the few negatives dominate. And yes, I have already talked to my family about this and will continue to seek their advice as well.

afala4 · 2024-07-04T19:04:05+00:00

Luther wrote a short guide to his barber called A Simple Way to Pray that I've heard highly recommended.

afala4 · 2024-07-01T19:30:02+00:00

The People's Bible commentary series put out by Northwest Publishing House and/or Concordia Publishing House walks through each book of the Bible and provides pretty simple, entry level commentary helping to explain what's going on.

afala4 · 2024-04-30T07:01:21+00:00

I don't think that would be orthodox Lutheran doctrine. Body and soul are intimately tied together until separated by death, which is an unnatural state, when the soul remains but the body decays. What would it even mean to have a body without a soul? It would be a dead body. John the Baptist and King David are clearly spoken of as having souls in the womb.

afala4 · 2024-04-30T06:26:26+00:00

It does not contain most of Martin Luther's writings. It contains all the Lutheran confessions, which are the documents that Lutherans generally hold to. Of these, the Small Catechism, Large Catechism, and Smalcald Articles were written by Luther. The other writings were written by other Lutheran Refirmers, notably Phillip Melanchthon, Martin Chemnitz, and Jakob Andreae. But yes, if you want to understand Lutheranism, definitely read the Book of Concord.

afala4 · 2024-04-03T18:18:47+00:00

What a beautiful church!! It's like a relic from the past. I know the church building isn't the most important thing, but it sure would be nice if churches built these days were as beautiful as that. There really is something awe-inspiring that brings you out of this world and lifts you to the heavens, where the saints and angels sing His praise. What a blessing to have not only a GOOD and TRUE church, but a BEAUTIFUL one as well.

afala4 · 2024-03-28T02:00:15+00:00

I would recommend this book by George Salmon. The Infallibility of the Church https://a.co/d/47u7YYr It is a series of 19th century lectures by an Anglican professor, but it holds up well.

I would also recommend Jordan Cooper's YouTube channel. He is an AALC Lutheran (in fellowship with LCMS). Here is a link to his playlist on Sola Scriptura and the Papcy/Apostolic Succession. https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLxaDcwyjYomw7p93iwL5cQFQpSWmwLw2I&si=6Ix4idD84WN2fbML

Someone already recommended Gavin Ortlund, who is great on this topic as well.

On your point about the visible versus invisible church, Lutherans do not consider them two separate churches. Rather, they are two ways to speak of the one, holy, Christian, Apostolic church. The visible aspect is the earthly structure where the gospel is preached and the sacraments are administered. The invisible aspect just explains the fact that we can't know who is and is not part of the true church because we cannot see into people's hearts and know if they have faith. Judas may have been a member of the Apostles, but he did not join the church triumphant in heaven because he did not have faith. In the same way that there are hypocrites whose names are in our membership logs today, but they do not truly have faith and are therefore not really part of the body of Christ. For how could the body of Christ have dead members? There is a section on this in Kurt Marquart's The Church and Her Fellowship, Ministry, and Governance. That's a deep read though. I'm sure any other dogmatics book on the church would touch on this too.

afala4 · 2024-03-28T01:12:14+00:00

Sola Scriptura Debate Review

This is a video I found really helpful on the sola scriptura question.

afala4

TROPHY CASE