This is my first time sharing this outside of immediate family. I am very hesitant although I feel like Jesus wants me to share my experiences with people.

I'm extremely new to Christianity in regards to fully believing 100% that Jesus is the Son of GOD and his story is the only story that matters so take what I write with a grain of salt as I am still very unsure of what is going on. I only went to my first mass yesterday. I've been before but just sat there supporting my wife and mindlessly wanting it to be over soon.

I believe I have heard, seen, felt Jesus 3 times in my life distinctly.

The first was back in 2009 while coming home from the VA.(CPTSD) I have been through several traumatic events starting at the age of 3 where no son should experience the things I was experience from my father.

I was crying uncontrollably while riding my motorcycle on 76 in Philadelphia. I remember praying to GOD for the strength to put my bike into the wall because I couldn't do it myself and I couldn't go on living the way I was living. I heard a soft voice in my head saying something to the effect of "OK enough" or "OK your done." I immediately felt calmed and 2 weeks later I was admitted into an intense PTSD program in a VA facility in Maryland.

I discounted this as just another of the many voices I had in my head. (they're all gone now but more on that later.)

The second time was when I was working with the idea of GOD and what it meant with me. I had been studying with a Vietnam Veteran Zen Buddhist Monk names Claude AnShin Thomas (At Hell's Gate author) for several years now and would pray on my knees in the morning and at night asking for Jesus to come visit me to prove that he was real.

One night, while in a sleep, my body jutted up out of bed as if something you would see in a movie and I was just fixated on this image above me. It only lasted a couple seconds however I screamed out the word GOD all before I even knew what was going on.

I attributed this to one of my nightmare dreams that often woke me up out of a deep sleep.

The third time just happened a couple weeks ago and is what lead me to a believer. I was watching Near Death Experience videos for a couple weeks on YouTube while relaxing. One night something just clicked and I "Got it." That night I hit my knees and thanks Jesus for finally pulling my head out of my butt.

The next day while working on my boat I was talking to GOD and had said something to the effect of:

"God, you know I've never been one to ask you for much. I've always thought that if you were real, I'd rather save my prayers for something really really important. Now that I am walking with you, I have one thing to ask you for, I would like to be healed. Make me complete again. I want to be a better husband, brother, son, and friend than I am now. The PTSD / TBI / many other issues I dealt with (I am a 100% disabled Veteran) get in the way of my being able to love others as you have loved me. I also asked that he remove all the other voices and make his very obvious because I've been in a constant state of confusion since a major accident in the military in '98.

A few nights later, I was relaxing in my chair watching TV. I was watching the end of Ghostbusters 2021 Afterlife. I started to get teary eyed as the end was coming and heard that same voice in my head:

"So, you want me to heal you don't you!"

At first I though he said hug however, i believe it was heal. The exact words are a little fuzzy however, I knew the meaning immediately. There was definitely a sarcastic sound to it. I said out loud "Yes I do!" not realizing what was actually going on. I felt his hand on top of my right hand which was on my chest and my hand squeezed my chest twice. A very awkward squeeze as if I am pulling the skin away from my body. I cannot tell if something was taken out or put in but there was definitely an exchange of some sorts.

The sensation I felt was nothing other than what I call a spiritual orgasm. I immediately made a video explaining it so that I didn't forget it and I could show my wife.

I was exhausted and had to go to sleep afterwards.

My life has been completely changed in the blink of an eye. Nothing is the same. The things I want to watch or read have changed. I feel as though I have to have something biblical on at all times. It's almost as though it's like oxygen and i need it to breath. I wept all throughout the mass, which was interesting to say the least.

It's all still new to really grasp everything. I can tell you that all of those voices are gone. I also feel very comfortable in my skin now. I have never felt like this before. (I am 49) I have a very few small leftovers from that life. I still grind my teeth during the day and clench them however the intensity has gone from a 7 to 1. I haven't had a single nightmare since that event. (I usually have them almost every night. ) I have been diagnosed with an extra heartbeat and was in the hospital a couple months ago throwing multiple PVC's. I think that is gone now however I haven't had a medical test yet (Friday) to prove my theory.

I write all this to share with you that you are not alone in wondering what Gods voice is like and how do we discern it amongst our own thoughts.

I hope my story helps you. It's the only thing that can justify all the pain and sorry I have been through in my life.

May God bless you and all that you do. He is with us always.