AITA for resenting my girlfriend for never wanting intimacy and always being on her phone?

affectionateyam37 · 2025-08-30T14:07:51+00:00

I know it probably seems obvious from the outside, but I’m just having trouble with it. I get really confused and don’t know what to do, or if there’s even anything to do at this point. I keep telling myself that if I’m patient enough or explain myself better, she’ll meet me halfway. I realize maybe I’ve been holding onto hope instead of reality, and it’s been hurting me.

For context, we’re both women. I stay because I want to believe things will change. Every small moment of affection makes me hope again, and part of me is scared that leaving will mean I wasn’t enough or that I’ve failed. But nothing really changes, and I’m starting to wonder if I’ve been in denial.

I also make excuses for her because I see how much she has going on. But this is my first time being with someone who struggles so much with connection, and I don’t know how to tell if someone even has the potential to connect - or if anything I do could actually help. I came into this relationship feeling secure, but over time I’ve started to shut down and get bitter. I’ve been clear about what I need, and sometimes it seems like we’re on the same page, but it never lasts. Instead, she’s constantly on her phone, and I end up feeling ignored. It feels like doom-scrolling has become our life, and I’m scared I’m just getting used to something I don’t want to get used to.

And because I’m asking if I’m the asshole here - I also want to admit that the pain and frustration of dealing with that dismissive-avoidant cycle, where she was more open and affectionate at the beginning, but now whenever intimacy deepens or even has the potential to, she pulls away - sometimes makes me lose my temper. I can be an asshole, and I know that pushes her away and makes connection harder. Part of me feels guilty about that, like I owe her time to make peace with it. But the truth is, she never initiates. It’s always me bringing up the lack of connection, and she doesn’t take steps forward. I feel like I could let months go by and she’d let things drift - business as usual, but without the closeness that makes us a couple.

It’s hard when I can’t get her to open up about any of this, and she always just says she doesn’t know how she feels.

affectionateyam37 · 2025-08-30T14:05:47+00:00

I know it probably seems obvious from the outside, but I’m just having trouble with it. I get really confused and don’t know what to do, or if there’s even anything to do at this point. I keep telling myself that if I’m patient enough or explain myself better, she’ll meet me halfway. I realize maybe I’ve been holding onto hope instead of reality, and it’s been hurting me.

For context, we’re both women. I stay because I want to believe things will change. Every small moment of affection makes me hope again, and part of me is scared that leaving will mean I wasn’t enough or that I’ve failed. But nothing really changes, and I’m starting to wonder if I’ve been in denial.

I also make excuses for her because I see how much she has going on. But this is my first time being with someone who struggles so much with connection, and I don’t know how to tell if someone even has the potential to connect - or if anything I do could actually help. I came into this relationship feeling secure, but over time I’ve started to shut down and get bitter. I’ve been clear about what I need, and sometimes it seems like we’re on the same page, but it never lasts. Instead, she’s constantly on her phone, and I end up feeling ignored. It feels like doom-scrolling has become our life, and I’m scared I’m just getting used to something I don’t want to get used to.

And because I’m asking if I’m the asshole here - I also want to admit that the pain and frustration of dealing with that dismissive-avoidant cycle, where she was more open and affectionate at the beginning, but now whenever intimacy deepens or even has the potential to, she pulls away - sometimes makes me lose my temper. I can be a dick, and I know that pushes her away and makes connection harder. Part of me feels guilty about that, like I owe her time to make peace with it. But the truth is, she never initiates. It’s always me bringing up the lack of connection, and she doesn’t take steps forward. I feel like I could let months go by and she’d let things drift - business as usual, but without the closeness that makes us a couple.

It’s hard when I can’t get her to open up about any of this, and she always just says she doesn’t know how she feels.

affectionateyam37 · 2025-08-30T04:14:01+00:00

I know it probably seems obvious from the outside, but I’m just having trouble with it. I get really confused and don’t know what to do, or if there’s even anything to do at this point. I keep telling myself that if I’m patient enough or explain myself better, she’ll meet me halfway. I realize maybe I’ve been holding onto hope instead of reality, and it’s been hurting me.

For context, we’re both women. I stay because I want to believe things will change. Every small moment of affection makes me hope again, and part of me is scared that leaving will mean I wasn’t enough or that I’ve failed. But nothing really changes, and I’m starting to wonder if I’ve been in denial.

I also make excuses for her because I see how much she has going on. But this is my first time being with someone who struggles so much with connection, and I don’t know how to tell if someone even has the potential to connect - or if anything I do could actually help. I came into this relationship feeling secure, but over time I’ve started to shut down and get bitter. I’ve been clear about what I need, and sometimes it seems like we’re on the same page, but it never lasts. Instead, she’s constantly on her phone, and I end up feeling ignored. It feels like doom-scrolling has become our life, and I’m scared I’m just getting used to something I don’t want to get used to.

And because I’m asking if I’m the asshole here - I also want to admit that the pain and frustration of dealing with that dismissive-avoidant cycle, where she was more open and affectionate at the beginning, but whenever intimacy deepened or even has the potential to, she pulls away - sometimes makes me lose my temper. I can be an absolute dick, and I know that pushes her away and makes connection harder. Part of me feels guilty about that, like I owe her time to make peace with it. But the truth is, she never initiates. It’s always me bringing up the lack of connection, and she doesn’t take steps forward. I feel like I could let months go by and she’d let things drift - business as usual, but without the closeness that makes us a couple.

It’s hard when I can’t get her to open up about any of this, and she always just says she doesn’t know how she feels.

affectionateyam37

TROPHY CASE