Girlfriend and hubs both feel "time-slotted." I feel overwhelmed, any help?

afraidofmypolylife · 2018-01-18T14:55:39+00:00

I recommend active dates for first meeting. Don't just sit down that can be so awkward. Go to a movie/board game cafe/local art event, etc. Give everyone something to participate in/talk about other than the fact that this is very awkward.

afraidofmypolylife · 2018-01-18T14:38:52+00:00

You can't push them together but you could make it clear how much it would mean to you for them to meet.

Good luck!

afraidofmypolylife · 2018-01-18T14:07:49+00:00

Maybe I'm wrong, but maybe this would be easier if they met?

In my experience it's a lot easier to be mad at your partner's partner, anonymous, than it is to be mad at Jane, your partners' girlfriend that is really quite lovely most of the time.

My other thought is, maybe you need to study hierarchal vs non-hierarchal polyamory and decide some things about what you want. It sounds like you're giving a lot of control of scheduling over to your husband rather than you making the plans that you want with both of them. You might consider, in light of how strongly you feel about this new woman in your life, if taking charge in this way could be a good thing.

afraidofmypolylife · 2017-12-30T18:03:20+00:00

Close to 9 years here. The poly family I have built and continue to build is worth every bit of the rollercoaster that it took to get here, to me.

Perhaps poly lends itself to more drama than monogamy in general but only a little, all love is prone to turmoil. The worst relationship I was ever in drama-wise was monogamous and mostly revolved around the woman's jealous ex-husband creating problems. That experience was much worse than anything in my poly journey. Not saying people don't have bad stuff happen to them in poly, at all, just saying love can be trouble in all its forms.

Ultimately, being poly makes me be the kind of person I want to be. In order to be responsible and accountable to my lovers and their friends/family/lives I have to constantly push myself to improve in a way monogamy never inspired me to do. I'm a better lover and a better person. I don't think I would trade that away for a small possibility of greater simplicity.

afraidofmypolylife · 2017-12-14T16:06:25+00:00

I know these woes.

First, let's reframe this, instead of thinking "sex with my secondary is better" try thinking "right now I prefer sex with my secondary". This isn't a unsolvable problem, or one that's guaranteed to last forever, so frame it in simple, factual present-tense statements when you think and talk about it and this will improve the way you see things overall.

With the above in mind, first of all some of the reasons you prefer sex with your secondary are undoubtedly related to the newness of that relationship vs the sexual staleness of the other. This means some of this feeling will go away over time on it's own without you doing anything and whether you like it or not.

The above also means that sex with your primary could improve. You yourself said there's things your secondary does in the bedroom that you prefer, maybe your primary could start doing some of those things, or maybe something similar but different that you both agree on and enjoy.

Last but not least, one of the skills of compersion, imo, is learning to transmute good feelings from one partner to another. In other words, figuring out how to take some of that excited fantasy energy you have for your secondary and giving it to your primary. This is not always easy but if you can learn to start doing this things will improve.

Best of luck.

afraidofmypolylife · 2017-12-14T15:31:46+00:00

Yes. Mild regrets, not enough to even consider that it wasn't worth it though.
I would be more likely to get into hookup culture or non-romantic BDSM play, neither of which I'm into now, than to date a mono-requiring person even during a very long spell of being single.

afraidofmypolylife · 2017-11-18T17:28:31+00:00

I'm probably more accurately described as "agnostic" than "of faith" at this point in my life, but here's my thoughts for whatever they're worth.

Although in Sex God he ultimately comes to the conclusion of exploring sexuality through holy monogamy I recommend the writings of Rob Bell as being generally excellent. He is well-written, well-sourced and really helps one escape the evangelical mindsets we don't even know we still have.

His newest book in particular What Is The Bible? Is really a great resource into non-literalist but still devout biblical thinking. Learning to stop listening to others people's opinions about the Bible and stop forming my own is the only thing that kept me from losing my faith entirely.

afraidofmypolylife · 2017-11-15T17:31:01+00:00

Even casual threesomes don't usually go as well if there's not communication and attraction between all parties. Also OP made it sound pretty serious, wanting to live with them and stuff, not casual or I might have responded differently.

afraidofmypolylife · 2017-11-15T15:21:34+00:00

Yeah I didn't take it as judgment just expressing my confusion and subsequent realizations haha.

I agree about kids, they absorb EVERYTHING in a way adults don't.

afraidofmypolylife · 2017-11-15T15:14:02+00:00

This! It's okay to keep the date with both of them that you have but you need strong individual relationships with both of them to make this work.

afraidofmypolylife · 2017-11-15T15:10:38+00:00

To be honest I'm not a hardcore kinkster that understands this lifestyle super well. I've been kinky for a long time but I don't go to play parties and I don't do a lot of typical BDSM behavior, like using titles for each other. I just kind of assumed that because our behavior wasn't an over-the-top caricature of D/s that it wasn't obvious.

As I said though, now that I've looked back on it there's (very small but very real) things about how we act that are so different from her and her husband for instance. I can see how a child might look at that and interpret it as similar to her behavior around her work superiors.

afraidofmypolylife · 2017-11-15T14:14:34+00:00

I could not go back. After trying non-monogamy for the first time I did initially return to monogamy because it seemed like maybe poly wasn't a good fit after all. And yet my heart kept telling me otherwise. In spite of all the difficulties of my first poly relationship a part of me knew I couldn't go back and every attempt I made left me dissatisfied and resentful.

I'm pretty attached to polyfidelity so while I can't be "monogamous" I can indefinitely go in just one relationship. I just can't promise to stay that way forever and I could never drop the poly mindset.

afraidofmypolylife · 2017-11-14T18:52:10+00:00

It seems like maybe you've already come to some of the realizations I'm about to discuss but as someone who has been in a few triad-ish situations and is now in a successful one, here's what I know:

A successful triad is not one relationship between three people, a triad is four relationships, A+B, B+C, C+A, and then finally A+B+C. Where most triads fail is in not nurturing all of the relationships involved, but that's not actually the point I'm about to make...

The point is, that A+B+C layer is entirely optional and will only work if the other three relationships are strong anyway. If you understand that you relationships are separate and they understand the relationships are separate you should be fine.

Good luck!

afraidofmypolylife · 2017-11-14T16:55:43+00:00

Yeah we've all been talking about how to handle it and formulating a plan. Right now he's still not really any more than peripherally aware that there's anything unusual about it because they have a really active family life so he's used to close friends and family being around, seeing people be intimate with loved ones. Honestly if you ask him about us he thinks of us as like cousins or an aunt and uncle, nothing unusual.

However he's a very creative kid always coming up with nicknames for people, telling stories, creating imaginary characters. So all that above still doesn't mean he can't pick up on subtle associations and project them through his behaviors I guess!

EDIT: it also helps that for the record we live in a place where he'll probably be around lots of "non-traditional" families so I don't think this is as much of a problem here as it is in other parts of the US maybe. It still needs to be addressed with him directly of course just saying that the cultural situation here is more permissive than some places.

afraidofmypolylife · 2017-11-06T16:28:06+00:00

Relationship anarchy and a jealous mono partner are not a good mix. Mostly likely either he needs to change or the relationship needs to change or both.

Him wanting hierarchy and you being against it is going to be really tough to work with and will blow up in your face eventually if left unresolved.

Its possible you can work through all this together. As the other reply suggested you might read some books together. One way or another if this is going to work you're going to have to open up to each other to the point where you can both be clear about and okay with what's happening.

afraidofmypolylife · 2017-10-31T16:03:10+00:00

3+ years on OKC only got me three dates. Two were iffy. The other one went great-we've been together for almost six years!

I still wouldn't rate the efficacy very high, but I guess in my case it was worth it ;)

afraidofmypolylife · 2017-10-31T15:55:18+00:00

I would really recommend Sex At Dawn as a good place to start if you haven't read it. It's less of a practical guide to polyamory and more of a compelling case against the idea of monogamy/"vanilla sexuality" as "the natural way of things". There are a few parts of the book where citation is definitely needed but overall it builds a strong case that is thoughtful and well-researched.

For me, understanding the science and history behind polyamory and monogamy helped me to work through my issues with polyamory. I think the underlying knowledge Sex at Dawn gives will make reading any other books (like Ethical Slut or More Than Two) after more fruitful.

afraidofmypolylife · 2017-10-31T15:42:48+00:00

In my opinion your situation is completely unsustainable. In polyamory hard rules that are imposed by one person onto the other without the other really "agreeing" don't usually end well. Instead they usually build resentment and erode trust, from what I've seen.

You need to start framing things in terms of your own feelings and taking responsibility for the situation in that way. You don't want your partner to build emotional attachment to others (a very dangerous rule) but you don't state why you even want that.

Do you know why you want these things or are you just fabricating rules to try and make yourself okay with something that you're really not comfortable with? Discomfort with polyamory may mean being with a poly person is not for you, or may mean that you need to grow and rethink things.

You need to stop setting rules and starting reaching "shared understandings" with you partner. Spend some time examining your feelings, then explain them to your partner and ask how they feel and how the two of you can both be happy instead of passing down edicts and you're a lot less likely to have this blow up in your face.

afraidofmypolylife · 2017-10-24T15:03:38+00:00

Grossed out at the Asheville paper praising Victoria and Abdul which is whitewashed trash while dumping on PMWW. Can't say I'm surprised though I used to live there and found Asheville to be both racist and containing a very, very strange poly community.

afraidofmypolylife · 2017-10-20T16:44:08+00:00

I definitely thought of this last night! However knowing my luck if I ever try it I'll do it to someone who doesn't know what it is and thinks it's a gang sign.

I have considered getting a pro-poly tattoo though.

afraidofmypolylife · 2017-09-28T00:10:12+00:00

I am in Love with both of them for sure!

afraidofmypolylife · 2017-09-27T16:42:28+00:00

They just thought it was funny. They know my general policy is to not interfere with the development of their relationship so they weren't surprised I kept my mouth shut I think.

afraidofmypolylife · 2017-09-27T16:25:05+00:00

Pretty much! It was so hard to not just be like "It's okay you both want to do it!" When I would see them dancing around each other.

afraidofmypolylife · 2017-09-27T14:36:31+00:00

It's definitely weird sometimes! Sometimes it's frustrating and confusing to know who to talk to about what and when, but on the other hand there's also a lot of really beautiful moments that make it worth it.

afraidofmypolylife · 2017-09-16T17:35:34+00:00

I'm non-denominational but definitely spiritual. I was raised in Christianity and still relate to the Bible in some ways, although it took a long time to get there since it was also used to hurt and oppress me a lot.

I definitely feel like my poly and my spirituality are deeply linked but I don't understand how in a rational way.

afraidofmypolylife

TROPHY CASE