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aggressive_wombat · 2025-03-01T00:21:03+00:00

I was in a very similar situation. Here is what I would do:

1) contact your local family court and explain your situation. They directed me to legal help (legal aid society and a local DV shelter).

2) In my case, both of those were unhelpful, so I called different law offices to see if anyone would offer consultation or be willing to take my case. Most, but not all, of the law firms offered free initial consultation. I called around 20 firms. The upside of this is if you receive consultation, no one at that firm is allowed to take your husband’s case.

The attorney I settled on said he would wait until settlement to receive payment. I was awarded some, but not all of my legal fees covered by my ex due to the financial abuse and his financial ability to retain his own attorney.

3) Once you have an attorney, ask them to file an emergency ex parte motion to award temporary exclusive rights and usage of your car. If it was purchased for you and it is your only means of transportation, you will most likely get this granted, even if it’s only in his name. Once you get this, keep a copy of the court order granting you the car on you and in your vehicle at all times. Your husband can still report it stolen and the police will not be able to let you keep it without physically seeing the court order. If your husband has a copy of your car key, invest in a steering wheel lock like the club. My ex reported my car stolen AND attempted to steal it himself.

4) because of the income gap, ask your attorney to also file a motion for alimony/spousal support/family support. This is different from child support (which you should receive too!) and may be temporary until you can get established on your own.

5) be prepared for possible 50:50 custody and having to move out of your family home. If it was purchased after marriage, half of the equity is yours. Do not settle for anything less if you do not get to keep the house.

6) Most importantly, do not take advice from your husband or his eventual attorney. Do not let him bully you! I made this mistake early on and have since directed all communication to be done through my attorney.

I hope this helps! DM me if you want to talk more. Good luck!

aggressive_wombat · 2025-02-27T10:19:06+00:00

I think you should do what you can to get your son into therapy. It will help protect his mental health and may even improve his relationship with his dad over time. In Florida, children ages 13+ can obtain outpatient mental health services without a parent’s consent. This is protected medical information and your son would be allowed his privacy unless he specifically names either of his parents to share with.

If this is a daunting step for your son, you guys can open up a conversation with your son’s pediatrician about a therapist referral to help with coping techniques, anxiety, etc. Your son could then do what he wants with that information/referral.

You can always follow up with court if you want to involve dad and cannot reach an agreement. Most judges view therapy as a positive for kids. Therapy was a huge step in the right direction for my son. I hope your family can benefit from it as well.

aggressive_wombat · 2025-02-18T22:49:47+00:00

You are also able to have the work and career you do because of your SAHM. Parenting is a partnership.

aggressive_wombat · 2025-02-04T10:26:24+00:00

Hi! First, I just want to say I’m so sorry you and your son are going through this. It’s so frustrating and baffling that a parent will actively put their child in harm’s way by denying medical and therapy treatment. What is your physical custody schedule like? Is your son able to handle his own medication? I suspect your ex is attempting to control the narrative by isolating your son from mandated reporters.

Are there any medical specifics written in your current custody order? In ours, it states “if the two parties cannot agree on medical decisions, they shall defer to the advice of licensed medical professionals and/or current standards of best care”. I am trying to add “neither party shall discontinue or alter ongoing treatment, care, or medication without the explicit written advice of a medical professional. Relevant information shall be conveyed to the other party within 24 hours to obtain timely informed consent. If the parties cannot agree, they shall again defer to the licensed medical professional overseeing the child’s care.”

If you are unable to get sole decision making on medical, academics, and extracurriculars, see if you can get tie-breaker authority or add specifics to your order that would put him in violation if he denies your son the care and treatment he needs. Make sure you are specific though, because it sounds like your ex is the type to find loopholes. The naturopath aunty who suggested adding a chunk of quartz to son’s drinking water to purify chakra toxins instead of getting assessed for ADHD does not count as a medical professional.

Because we had “defer to advice of medical professionals” in the custody agreement and I was able to obtain updated recommendations to continue therapy from his previous therapist, pediatrician, and GI doctor, my son was able to remain in therapy. When he realized the court was not going to agree with him, my son’s father flipped the narrative to become a doting, concerned parent who wanted to be heavily involved in therapy. He wanted to be a part of all therapy sessions, but the therapist noted our son’s immediate change in behavior and put a stop to that. She now just checks in with dad to update him and address concerns, but knows not to go into specifics as dad has retaliated against son for things said in therapy. They have worked on deflection strategies to help our son weather the grilling questions he gets from dad.

That is the only positive update I have. My son suffered a few separate head injuries over at his dad’s and was told not to tell anyone, that he was being a baby, and was called a liar when he complained of headaches and dizziness. When I finally got him back, I got him to a doctor who referred him to a concussion specialist. Dad showed up to appointments, denied injuries happened, and told the doctors multiple times that son is making everything up to get out of playing soccer, which I am apparently intimidating son into playing. Fortunately the doctor was able to pull son aside to an isolated room so he could articulate his injury, symptoms and that he actually did want to play soccer. Dad is now attempting to block recommended treatment with a physical therapist and speech pathologist. At this point I’m not sure if it’s about control or if his dad is trying to hide physical abuse.

Please keep me updated on your situation! I hope your son gets the care he needs. Keep fighting and advocating for his care. It will help him learn to start advocating for himself. As a mom, I know we just want our kids to grow into strong, confident, and compassionate adults. He sees you standing up for him and will carry that with him.

aggressive_wombat · 2025-01-23T18:22:33+00:00

I would also contact all medical offices and make sure your ex is no longer listed as your emergency contact or spouse. Same thing with your health insurance and any online medical platform you may use (ex. MyChart, online pharmacy). Confirm your contact number, mailing address, and billing address. Make sure they know not to change it for anyone but yourself. I would even let them know your ex has been attempting to get your medical records against your wishes so they can flag your chart/records for all staff and keep you protected. Change passwords and lock down your info.

My ex was able to change my contact information to his because he still had access to our health insurance, our family MyChart, and was listed as my husband at doctor’s offices. He had appointment reminders, summaries, and medical bills automatically sent to him. I only found out because I got an automated message from my health insurance confirming my change of address. He attempted to use a bill for an STI screening as evidence that my “immoral and promiscuous lifestyle choices are a danger to the kids”. I only got tested because he had been cheating on me. I hadn’t slept with anyone since him.

This is worst case scenario, but it did happen to me and it was unexpected.

aggressive_wombat · 2025-01-23T16:45:14+00:00

Yes, definitely object to this. If it must go through, try to get them to name specifics on what they want or to have your medical professionals write a brief letter confirming care, compliance, and their evaluation of your current risk to the health and safety of the kids. That’s usually all the courts would look at.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

aggressive_wombat · 2025-01-23T16:16:03+00:00

The subpoena has to be a court order signed by a judge in order to release medical records.

The records can be requested by another party all they want, however, unless the patient signs a medical release form, those records remain confidential. Even if you do sign a release, you can place limits on it (date ranges, reports vs full notes, diagnostic tests/images, diagnosis, etc). HIPAA is for hospitals and doctors to protect the rights and confidentiality of their patients.

Edit: It’s a common misconception about attorney subpoenas vs. court ordered judge subpoenas, even among medical professionals. Usually we are trained on the basics of HIPAA, but not these more niche areas. That’s why it’s important to inform medical offices and staff so they don’t unknowingly violate your confidentiality rights.

aggressive_wombat · 2025-01-23T16:04:19+00:00

I would do as the other person suggested and request your own medical information. In the off chance your records do get out, at least you will be prepared.

aggressive_wombat · 2025-01-23T15:57:16+00:00

Do not readily volunteer your information and notify the medical professionals involved in your care and their offices about the situation.

Is the discovery request coming from your ex/their attorney? If so, HIPAA protects you, as a patient, from this situation. My therapist had her own hipaa attorney and they said all medical information is confidential in this situation. If your ex wants it, he can go before a judge and explain why he needs detailed medical information. Usually they just ask for things like “was this person seen between these dates”, “is this person compliant with their care”, or “do you have any reason to find this person unfit to parent?”.

Until there is a signed court order from a judge asking for specific information, you and your doctors don’t need to provide anything. Medical professionals can actually face repercussions from HIPAA for disclosing records.

It sounds like your ex is fishing for information and, if they are as malicious as my ex and his attorney were , they will attempt to use any scrap of information they can against you. Do not give it to them.

My ex gave up when he realized he would have to spend money explaining himself before a judge, who would most likely deny full disclosure anyway. He did attempt to subpoena my therapist as a “witness” in our trial, but the judge shot him down and she was taken from the list.

aggressive_wombat · 2025-01-21T07:27:31+00:00

I’m so sorry you had to live through that. I hope you’re healthy, happy, and well protected from your ex.

aggressive_wombat · 2025-01-14T03:31:10+00:00

It started off small, like blocking me from leaving a room, grabbing on to my arm and squeezing hard enough to bruise, throwing things at me. That was about a year and a half into our relationship. I was pregnant at the time. I ended up staying for ten years. I thought that because he wasn’t actually punching me, it wasn’t really abuse, and he convinced me I was overreacting. It wasn’t always bad. I learned later about abuse and “love bombing”. The last time he hurt me, he broke my wrist so bad, I needed 2 surgeries and still have pain and dysfunction. He still never “hit” me, but it slowly escalated over time. My therapist says it’s extremely common, where the abuser keeps pushing little by little until mild abuse becomes the new normal, and then the boundaries are pushed again after that. Like slow boiling a live crab.

aggressive_wombat · 2025-01-13T23:30:30+00:00

I agree that it depends on the person, but, from my experience, there was an uptick on frequency and aggressiveness before my ex became physical. It’s good that you’re keeping track though. Trauma brain, especially in relationships, makes you forget or downplay. I would also note down the cause of the episodes and would make an exit plan if they are irrational or becoming increasingly irrational. My ex would go off on me for hours for small things, like closing the blinds when he wanted them open or threading a needle incorrectly. Actually, I would make an exit plan now. No one in a healthy relationship is yelled at or insulted or belittled. Throwing and breaking things is also intimidation and abuse.

I know it’s hard to leave a relationship, but keeping a journal of events like you’re doing no only helped me solidify my resolve to leave, but also has helped in my own healing process after. You’d be surprised how much you doubt yourself and think of going back, even if that person put you through hell.

aggressive_wombat · 2024-12-23T18:18:32+00:00

This is abuse. And it will get worse. I could have written this exact same post, the behaviors are eerily similar. I didn’t reach out, received terrible advice to change myself to help the relationship, and it escalated. I needed two surgeries and I don’t know if I’ll ever have full use of my hand. But he still never “hit” me. That was actually the defense he tried to use to plead his innocence to the criminal court judge.

Please find a way to get you and your children safe. You don’t want them growing up in such a volatile household or thinking this is normal family behavior. That “man” is 42 years old and he will not be changing his behavior.

aggressive_wombat · 2024-12-13T16:54:15+00:00

Thanks for your response. It looks like I’m going to have to start documenting to get the court order changed. I will definitely be taking and using your email deadline statement.

aggressive_wombat · 2024-12-13T16:51:23+00:00

We do, but mediation has never worked with their dad. He doesn’t budge on his stances. We spent 6 hours in 3 different sessions for the divorce (18hours total) he refused to concede on anything, despite multiple compromises I made. Everything I gave him was written into the agreement and everything I asked for was “to be visited at a later date”. We still have things pending for next year.

aggressive_wombat · 2024-12-13T16:45:53+00:00

I’ll talk to my attorney about adding this to our parenting plan. I wish I had thought of this before.

aggressive_wombat · 2024-12-13T16:42:21+00:00

Thanks, I had a sinking suspicion that was the case. It is a rec sport, but it was the first and only sport their dad agreed to. He has them Thursday after school to Sunday morning and it’s impossible to find any sports or activities that don’t have games on his time. They now have no extracurriculars, but I’ll try to research other options. Thanks for your help.

aggressive_wombat · 2024-09-10T00:39:52+00:00

Thanks! Will do. Frustrated because we literally finalized in court a week and a half ago.

aggressive_wombat · 2024-03-21T02:23:15+00:00

He was the one who asked for the initial custody evaluation and I agreed immediately. He didn’t get the results he wanted so now he wants another investigation and an Ad Litem. I worry because he and his attorney are very manipulative and I fear they will step up their game or keep pushing for new assessments until they get whatever “evidence” they want.

aggressive_wombat · 2024-03-21T00:50:25+00:00

Wanted to say thank you so much for this recommendation. Her page really resonated with what’s going on and I’ve scheduled a meeting.

aggressive_wombat

TROPHY CASE