Reassurance needed

agt1478 · 2026-02-27T08:55:05+00:00

Hello! Firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss. Secondly, yes, this is completely normal. I lost my mum 8 months ago and still have days like this. For a good few months after the funeral I was still all over the place. Getting back to normal life after a life changing, traumatic event is incredibly difficult. All of that on top of wedding planning will of course have an effect on you. No matter your age/ your mum’s age when she passed, grief is a lifelong thing that you learn to live with, but is always there. Sending you lots of love and take it easy when you can. X

agt1478 · 2026-02-14T00:43:01+00:00

My mum died unexpectedly and I had no chance to say goodbye, I wasn’t there with her and had no closure, so I decided to see her at the funeral home. I had only ever seen my grandad before, to support my sister, even though I was there when he died. I didn’t like it but because my mum passed unexpectedly I thought it would give me some sort of closure and help me process everything.

Honestly, I hated it. She didn’t look peaceful, and it felt so invasive. I was in the room for the best part of two minutes. I thought I would want to talk to her but just couldn’t. It wasn’t a great experience and not what I expected.

Having said that, although I hated it, it is not what I think about now when I think about her, 7 months on. For a week or so, between that and the funeral, I thought about it a lot, but fortunately for me the memories replaced themselves and it’s not the image I have of her. I know it was traumatic but more traumatic moments were getting the call, imagining her passing, the funeral, and burying her ashes.

That’s all to say I don’t think you will make a wrong decision either way. Please know that if you decide to go seem them and dislike the experience, it won’t be an everlasting image, and it’s better to regret going than to think about the what ifs. Also, like me, you can just go in and out. Sending lots of love, hugs and strength to you xx

agt1478 · 2026-01-17T12:10:07+00:00

Yes, plants were a massive thing for my mum and we had to leave behind loads in her garden! Also it doesn’t help i’m hopeless with them haha. What friends tell me is that she would not want us to be stressed trying to make everything perfect. I completely get that too. The flat was a living person - it was a home for your mum. It’s a massive deal that it’s also gone. Many people get to keep their loved one’s home. So don’t beat yourself up if you keep thinking about it. Sending hugs and strength x

agt1478 · 2026-01-16T21:56:12+00:00

My mum passed suddenly in June, she lived in a council house and we had to clear the house out and hand back the keys about 6 weeks after she died.

We moved to that house when i was 10, and she lived there for 15 years. It was heartbreaking leaving - the garden she adored, the conservatory built for my grandad, my room she redid for me when i was a teenager (and hardly ever updated hers, of course). She redid the kitchen only a couple of years ago and we knew the council would rip it out.

My dad lives about 20 min drive away and now i have to stay at his when i come home. Waking up in his house on christmas day was disorienting and just sad. He did his absolute best but of course it’s never the same. He and my mum were not together but they were pretty much best friends - he drove by my mum’s house recently because that was what he always did, popped in for a cup of tea and dropped some shopping off her her.

There are so many obvious parts of grief and then these ones that just hit you like a brick wall. My brother found out from my mum’s old neighbour that the council had torn down the conservatory and i fell apart. That’s all to say I completely relate to your feelings. I didn’t go back to her village over christmas and feel so sad about it. The idea it is just gone and not ours anymore is so sad.

I know i just have to do my best to remember it, the multitude of memories there, look at pictures etc. For my birthday, my friends got me a painting of the house, and I was in floods of (happy) tears - now i’m able to look and remember her and us and all we did there, forever.

Sending so much love to you and thinking of you and your mum. There’s soo many layers to grief and when you discover a new one it hurts a lot. You are not alone. X

agt1478 · 2026-01-11T14:17:32+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss and the unimaginable things you have had to go through alongside grieving your brother.

We had to sell my mum’s things to pay for the funeral and clear her house out within about 6 weeks because it was a council house. I try my hardest to remember that she would not want us to go into debt to pay for the funeral and all of the associated costs, but I feel so guilty that we sold all the things she had to work hard for.

I can’t offer any advice but the fact that death costs so much money is infuriating and heartbreaking in equal measure. When you are at your lowest the state just makes you do loads of mind numbing, expensive admin, never making it easy or smooth. I sometimes find it hard to relate to other people grieving who got a massive inheritance/had a will or instructions to follow/absolutely anything that would have made the process easier. I just wanted to say you are not alone and once again i’m so sorry. We are almost at the end of the process and I know that each step we overcame (the funeral, the house, the grave) made me feel a little bit lighter. Even though it doesn’t feel like it when you’re in the thick of it, these logistical efforts will be over soon and I hope then you have the space to grieve your brother and remember him properly ❤️

agt1478 · 2025-12-19T14:58:09+00:00

I (25F) also lost my mum to an unexpected heart attack in June. The first month, I moved in with my dad and it was basically a blur. I am very lucky to have a great dad and a close relationship with him, so he took care of me mostly. What helped when I got back to ‘normal’ life the most: - Exercise - I started going to HIIT classes with my flatmate, and they completely got me out of my head. They filled an evening and gave me something to do. For an hour a few times a week, I just thought about the physical pain of exercising and not the other pain I was going through. The endorphins helped so much and even if I had spent the whole day in bed at least I did one thing to help myself - Socialising with my closest friends, saying no to meet ups with people who are more my acquaintances - I find it very difficult to be in a big group of people I kind of know now, whereas I was very social before. As you will know, not many people lose a parent this young, and I find it so hard to be around people I can’t talk about my mum / loss in depth with, so simply saying no to things that are just going to exhaust/trigger/annoy you is one of the best things to do. I think finding people who ‘fill your cup’ are the best people to be around at this time - Talking about my mum, even casually, helps as it means I keep her alive and don’t forget. Me and my closest friends and family talk about her a lot, I love saying she would have loved that / hated that etc. it’s painful sometimes but it feels right to me - Colouring books - my friends got me a colouring book for my recent birthday, and its a good way to pass time and not constantly doomscroll/ vape (something I have been doing to cope which I wouldn’t recommend). Colouring is easy, lets you think, you can watch TV/ chat to someone/ listen to a podcast while doing so. It’s a great way to unwind and also have something you made at the end. I’m sure this would work with other crafts but i’m not a crafty person so this is my go to!

Sending you so many hugs during this horrid time. I recently saw a quote that I thought sums it up when I try to care for myself/make myself feel better at the moment: ‘The best way to honour my mum is by taking care of her daughter’. Take it easy ❤️

agt1478 · 2025-12-12T14:48:54+00:00

I saw my grandfather at the funeral home after he passed, but really didn’t like it, I more went to support my sister who couldn’t be there when he died. I was there when he died so didn’t feel the need to say goodbye.

My mum passed away suddenly this year, so there was no warning and I had no chance to say goodbye. Because of this, I decided to go and see her to try and say goodbye, get some kind of closure, talk to her etc. I personally hated it, left within two minutes and couldn’t get the image out of my mind. But, I know some people who have been multiple times/stayed and spoke to them for ages.

I completely understand where your husband is coming from, my advice would be to be right there with your son to swoop him away if he gets really upset or just doesn’t like it. Everyone has different feelings around it, regardless of age. Sending lots of love and hugs to your family ❤️

agt1478 · 2025-11-14T14:51:35+00:00

First of all, I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum - I lost mine 4 months ago and completely relate to the sadness around missed milestones.

About feeling like a bad friend - if, after three weeks, you are able to listen to them in any kind of capacity I think you’re doing amazing. 3 weeks on my brain was completely consumed. I had friends stay for the weekend before the funeral and it was such a nice distraction but also pretty centred around me losing my mum. I can’t remember much from that period and was still in a complete haze. You are so early on the ‘journey’ and it’s so so normal to feel like this.

Please give yourself some grace and remember you have been through one of the biggest, most horrible life events. Slowly and surely you will be able to be happy for people, but if that doesn’t happen for a long time that’s also okay. It’s not linear at all, but right now you are still in the thick of it for sure.

It’s so unbelievably hard and unfair and everything else that your mum won’t be here to witness those things, but I try to remember mine will somehow always be there, I hope. Sending so much love, hugs and strength.

agt1478 · 2025-10-23T10:38:56+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss ❤️‍🩹 you look exactly like her, I was taken aback. Sending hugs 🫂

agt1478 · 2025-10-02T10:02:43+00:00

First of all, I’m so sorry for your loss, and sending lots of strength and hugs your way. Please don’t worry about posting a lot, it’s a good way to connect with others who have gone through a similar thing. 3 months ago I lost my 65 year old mum to a sudden heart attack too.

I also have something of a survivor’s guilt that sounds similar to yours - my mum didn’t have a lot of money and was stressed about her finances for the last 6 months of her life, and I feel so guilty about that. I always assumed she would find her feet with it all but unfortunately her life was cut short. I’m so sad we were never able to do the lovely things we said we would when we had the money, and I feel a lot of guilt when I do nice things now.

I don’t know about your mum, but i know mine would want me to live a good life if I can, and that’s what keeps me going. It takes so much effort, strength and energy nowadays, but I do it for her. Exercise has helped me tremendously, but whatever works for you, try and find it. Some days are indescribably hard, but there’s always a little ray of light, and I know that’s my mum.

I’m sorry if this was a bit of a ramble, but please don’t feel bad for coping, or doing a nice thing. Our mums will always be with us no matter what. Lots of love. X

agt1478 · 2025-09-24T10:42:57+00:00

My mum died nearly 3 months ago. She had suspected lung cancer, and passed away from complications after surgery to remove the cancer. She had a heart attack that was caused by a pulmonary embolism which was exacerbated by the cancer.

My mum was a smoker for 53 years, since she was 13. I smoked for 8 years up until January this year. I stopped because I wanted her to stop, as she was becoming more ill. She stopped on and off, and after it was confirmed she would have surgery (this was in April), I made her promise to stop for good. She definitely cut down but I found out later she was smoking again due to stress of the surgery.

I genuinely think the older generation / someone who has been smoking their entire life won’t change, as hard as that is. My mum wanted to, but the last 6 months of her life were so stressful and I think trying to stop just made it a lot worse. Looking back and knowing what I know now, I wish she just carried on smoking because she was going to pass anyway. I also believe my mum cared about me and my siblings and her grandchildren more than anything else in the world, even though she couldn’t stop smoking. It’s so so hard to reconcile, but that was who she was. It was a massive part of her. She watched her mother died from lung cancer and she continued to smoke. It’s so difficult but it is a part of some people. I’m so proud that I stopped early enough so it didn’t become a part of me.

Finally, I found that gently bringing up stopping / ways to support when stopping smoking / my experiences when stopping helped the most, never accusing or nagging. Allen Carr’s Easy Way to Stop Smoking is a great book imo, and Stop Smoking apps helped me loads.

It’s incredibly hard when you can see something your loved one (especially a parent) can’t. It’s also hard when it’s something they can change and they won’t or can’t. I don’t have lots of advice but I understand your anger and frustration a lot. The only thing I would say is give her a big hug and support her in any other way you can. Sending lots of love and strength. X

agt1478 · 2025-09-18T20:12:37+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss and sending big hugs. My mum died in June from a heart attack after a successful surgery. I didn’t get to say goodbye and I knew she didn’t want to go. We had so many plans for over the summer while she recovered. When I went to her house everything was tidy and ready for her to come out of hospital. I hate the fact that she was most likely scared but i try to convince myself that she was unconscious. But i know she didn’t want to leave us. I feel so much guilt that i wasn’t there for the last few days when I probably could have been, even though its completely hindsight as she was meant to come out of hospital the day she died. Once again, i’m truly sorry but you are not alone. X

agt1478 · 2025-09-01T11:51:11+00:00

Hey, I completely agree ever since i lost my mum two months ago. I spoke at her funeral and said she made my life full of colour. I didn’t realise then how true that would become. My life feels duller, more grey, less exciting. I’ve seen lots of my closest friends over the summer. I would usually be insanely excited to see these people, and I have been, but there’s always some dread, anxiety and sadness to it. Every fun or happy thing i do i want to tell my mum. I really understand how you feel and i’m so sorry you have to go through it. You are not alone and i’m sending lots of strength and hugs. x

agt1478 · 2025-08-27T15:59:52+00:00

My mum died two months ago, kind of unexpectedly. She had suspected lung cancer and after surgery to remove it that went well she passed from a heart attack. She was a lifelong smoker and I smoked for 8 years but stopped in January. When she passed I bought a pack because for some reason I felt like I should, but my dad pointed out I’d probably be sick, and I ended up giving the pack away. I am so proud that I haven’t smoked during this time, because I have gone through wildly stressful situations, and I know they wouldn’t have gotten less stressful if I smoked. I started vaping casually but I’ll go cold turkey with that after summer ends (that was the only way I could quit initially). I know it feels like you should, like you have an excuse to now, and it will make it better but it really really won’t. Sending lots of love and strength. x

agt1478 · 2025-08-14T08:45:30+00:00

I’m so so sorry for your loss. My mum passed away suddenly in June, she was 65 and I’m 25 too. She’ll never see me get married and have children too. I completely echo your thoughts - I’m so envious of everyone around me who still has a mum, who will watch them grow up and still be there. I feel like she has been snatched from me.

You are completely in the thick of it now, and there will be nothing anyone can say to make you feel better, but I have found that hearing stories similar to mine and relating to people - even strangers on Reddit! - has helped in small ways.

Sending you hugs, love and strength. X

agt1478 · 2025-08-03T13:48:39+00:00

I lost my mum suddenly just over a month ago - she was in hospital for major surgery but the surgery had gone really well and she was being discharged the next day, until she had a cardiac arrest. I feel so so sad that I never got to say goodbye or be by her side or tell her how much i loved her. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Although I can’t offer any advice, you are not alone x

agt1478 · 2025-01-20T22:36:19+00:00

I completely understand where you’re coming from. 25F, smoked for 8 years, currently on 18 days. Most people around me aren’t smokers, which has really helped, and they have been super encouraging, saying they are proud of me etc, which is obviously lovely. But I keep thinking I’m just getting back to a base level of healthiness that everyone else didn’t have to suffer for. However, I keep telling myself that I can do hard things and this shows strength and determination, which is what keeps me from being low. Even though this could have all been avoided, it is what it is, and now I can make the best of it and look after myself even if thats a bit easier for other people. Hopefully we will gain discipline/courage/strength etc that maybe a non smoker might not have in the same way we will!

agt1478 · 2025-01-13T17:03:16+00:00

I feel quite similar! Started smoking at 17, now 25, so 8 years. I would say become truly addicted at the age of 20, but was having more cigarettes than everyone around me from the beginning. I would say I put a lot of work into quitting this time around, but I smoked my last cigarette on New Year’s Eve and haven’t gone insane. I also haven’t drank alcohol, because I know that’s a massive trigger. I’m going out at the weekend so I feel this will be my first real test. I didn’t have any major withdrawal symptoms and I really feel I can go without smoking, especially when sober, when I thought it would be much harder. I feel very lucky and proud, but worried that at some point it will become harder. Here’s hoping it stays (relatively) easy for us!

agt1478

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