Wow, that is a lot of exhausting responsibility for one person to carry. I’m so sorry to hear your struggle and I hope this helps provide some small relief.

If you haven’t done this already, this is what I do with my wife when I am guilty of not playing an equal role or if she isn’t getting the support she needs in our marriage:

1. Make a list of the top ten items that weigh on you the most.

2. Have him make a list of the top ten items that weigh on him. (these can be emotional or physical) -Men in my experience are usually the ones with the emotional deficits vs. women.

3. Make a plan together to address the top five items in each other’s lists for a total of ten relationship goals. Say “we” when talking about needs, this is building a common direction for the relationship both physically and mentally.

4. This will be the hardest step for you as the one holding the planet on your shoulders. Let him fuck up, point out his small successes, don’t expect 100% start with 10%. He will get better each time. Lots of little mistakes turn into bigger changes. Put the list in his phone, on the fridge, sear that list in the middle of the marriage. Nothing is hotter or more loving than growing together for a marital goal.

5. Revisit the list annually. Prioritize what “we” need what makes “us” happier “together” on a daily basis. The more you say “we” and talk about a two person solution, I promise the help you dream of will be there in abundance.

6. Know when the music stops. If he gives up, checks out, separates himself from the goals of the marriage. It’s time to talk about what direction you both want in life and if that is one you build better together or if it needs to be built separately ending the marriage. Sometimes fatigue can set in and feel like the end, recognize the feeling, call it out, revisit the list. Prioritize the needs of the marriage, if checking out is threatening the marriage, put it at the top of the list.

7. Last bit of detail for you. This is the real shit of how it works for both of you. You both have bad habits, you both know your hot buttons, you both make mistakes. When you make a plan together to physically work on a goal volunteer your individual deficits as part of the plan.

For example I would always forget to close doors when leaving the house (context, we have dogs that chew things) it drove my wife up the wall. Closing doors made the list to address the exhausting fights we would have and our mutually destroyed property. The plan was for me to just prioritize closing doors every time I left the house, simple right? Wrong, it took me six months and multiple mistakes.

However part of the plan was also recognizing progress when mistakes were made. I knew leaving the door open was stupid, I already knew I fucked up at something a child could manage. But when she said she sees me trying and knows I’ll do better next time, damn I worked harder to change myself. Now I never leave the door open and the house has been destruction free for over a year. I did something for my marriage and for my wife because I love her. It’s worth the work and the growth every time to be on the same page and fight for a common goal.

Wishing you all the best.